Where the Wild Roses Grow
by staringatthesky
Summary: Rosalie thought she had it all, a perfect present and a golden future, until one night of violence shattered everything. Broken and hurting she turns her back on her old life and starts anew, learning along the way what it really means to let go of being a victim and emerge as a survivor. Because sometimes the most beautiful things are found in the darkest places.
1. Chapter 1- Flying Away

_A/N- Just a quick warning. This is an all human story, but I'm trying to incorporate as many canon elements as I can. Since I'm working with Rosalie that means that I'm going to be dealing with rape and violence and the after effects of trauma. The rape and beating occurred prior to the story's beginning and there won't be graphic descriptions of either as I don't feel it's necessary, but the aftermath is what the story is about and if this is a particularly sensitive or upsetting topic for you than perhaps this isn't the story for you. _

_I also want to add that I'm not a doctor or psychologist or therapist or anything. I was diagnosed with PTSD a few years ago after a traumatic incident (not a sexual assault, something else) and so when I'm writing Rosalie here I'm writing from my own experiences and memories- I am not writing from any position of expertise on ptsd or therapy and it's different for everyone. _

_After all that serious stuff…I hope you enjoy it! It's my first time writing all-human Twilight fic, so I'm not all that sure how it's going to go. As always, comments and questions are very welcome and all credit goes to Stephenie Meyer for the creation of the characters and the Twilight world! _

_Chapter 1- Flying Away._

The pressure from the plane taking off pushes me back against the seat and makes my ears ring. I swallow hard to make my ears pop, and then sigh and relax as the plane levels out. We're flying out in the grey, pre-dawn light, and I watch silently as the lights of New York tilt and curve underneath me as the plane find its path. It's not until we're through the clouds and I can't see any more that I turn back to face front.

The flight attendants go through the safety demonstration, and once they're done I plug my own headphones into the seat and flip through the movie channels. There's not much I haven't seen- in the last eight weeks I've done pretty much nothing but lie in bed and watch movies and tv shows downloaded from the net – so in the end I settle for watching an old favourite from my childhood.

My brother Jasper is beside me, listening to his ipod and leaning back in his seat with his eyes closed. I can't help but notice how tired and strained he looks. I guess the past few weeks have been hard on all of us, in different ways.

Jasper opens his eyes long enough to accept a beverage and package of cookies from the attendant when she rolls around the cart. Without saying anything he opens my cookies before he passes them to me, and although I don't say anything I do appreciate it. With the fibreglass cast encasing my left arm from the second knuckles of my fingers to my elbow a lot of little things are difficult.

"You should try and sleep a little, Rosalie," Jasper says quietly. "You look tired."

I don't answer him. Of course I'm tired. I'm _exhausted_…he knows how little I sleep these days. But as New York falls further behind us and I think about getting _away _from everything I can feel myself relaxing and think that maybe Jas is right. Maybe I should take a nap. I lean back in the seat and close my eyes.

I'm not aware of falling asleep, but I know I have when the dream starts. The same thing, the darkness and cold and the horrible laughter…even in the dream I know it's not real but that doesn't stop the flood of terror I feel as it surrounds me.

"Rosalie…Rose!" It's Jasper, his voice low and urgent in my ear. "You're dreaming. Wake up, it's okay."

He doesn't touch me. He learned that lesson early on, when I woke from one of the nightmares and whacked him in the face with my cast. I don't have any signatures or drawings or funny saying on my cast- the only mark on it is the scattered brown drops of Jasper's blood from where I split his lip open.

Now I wrench myself back into wakefulness, feeling the familiar sweating shakiness that always comes with the nightmare. I breathe hard for a minute, the artificially cool air of the aeroplane reassuring me that it's okay now, it was only a dream and not real, not now…I touch my face, feeling calmer.

"Thanks," I say to Jasper quietly.

"It's okay. I thought I should wake you anyway, we'll be landing soon if you want to go to the bathroom or anything."

"Yeah, I think I will."

I move past him and walk down the plane to the bathroom, ignoring the eyes that follow me. Women look with envy and men look with desire…it's been this way for years and I don't even think about it anymore.

It's awkward enough to manoeuvre in the tiny bathroom even without the added burden of my cast, but I manage as best I can. I use the toilet and then splash some water on my face with one hand, scrubbing it dry with a scratchy paper towel. I have fading marks on my cheek where I slept against Jasper's shoulder and my blonde hair looks dirtier and messier than usual. I run my fingers through it and wish I'd thought to bring my hairbrush.

Back at my seat Jasper buckles me in for the landing in Seattle. I hate being dependent on him for so much help! I know the cast is due to come off soon, and I can't wait.

The plane has barely stopped when the passengers are on their feet, pulling down bags from the overhead lockers, jostling slightly to get into the aisle and get out of the plane. I sit motionless though, and Jasper waits patiently beside me.

"I don't want to go," I say abruptly, staring down at my hands. My fingernails have grown back, and the ones on my casted arm are dirty. "I don't want to live with strangers and start over at a new school."

"You know Dr and Mrs Cullen," Jasper says reasonably.

"I don't know their kids."

"Would you rather be at home?"

"No." I bite my lip. "I guess this is the lesser of two evils…I know that, I'm just complaining." With a deep sigh I rise to my feet and gather my jacket and backpack. "Come on, let's go," I say, and follow Jasper's tall form down the aisle. We're the last ones off the plane.

The airport is busier and noisier than I had expected for eleven on a weekday morning. The crowds of people pushing around us as we make our way through the domestic arrivals gate are making me tense, and I nearly snap at a child who bangs into my leg and steps on my foot. I grit my teeth and move closer to Jasper.

"It's okay Rosalie," Jasper tells me, looking around. "Dr Cullen said he'd be waiting for us. We'll be out of here soon."

I hunch my shoulders slightly and hold my sweater closer to me, crossing my good arm defensively over the cast. I can feel my heartbeat racing, and I'm horrified at the idea of having a panic attack here, in the middle of this crowd. I force myself to take a deep breath, and then amongst the strangers I see a familiar face. Dr Carlisle Cullen, my dad's old college roommate.

"Over there," I mutter to Jasper, and the two of us head over to the tall blonde man. Beside him I see the sleek, caramel brown curls of his wife, Esme.

"Jasper, Rosalie, it's good to see you!" Dr Cullen shakes Jasper's hand and would shake mine if I didn't have both my hands hidden under the sweater I'm holding bundled up to my chest.

"Hi Dr Cullen, Mrs Cullen," Jasper says.

"Oh, you have to call me Carlisle now," the doctor says with a grin. "I can't be Dr Cullen at home."

"And you must just call me Esme," she adds. She's small and soft and smiling at us with friendliness, but when she goes to hug me I flinch. I can't help it. I don't like anyone to touch me now. Esme just pretends she doesn't notice though, and touches Jasper lightly on the arm. "Let's go find your luggage and then we can get out of here. We've got a bit of a drive ahead of us."

Silently I follow them the baggage claim, letting Jasper answer their questions about the flight and about how our father is doing. No one mentions why we're here, but everyone knows it and the knowledge hangs heavily in between us all.

We're lucky that our bags come through quickly. Jasper claims his rucksack and throws it on a trolley and then drags my two suitcases off the carousel. His camera bag comes last, vibrant with the bright 'FRAGILE' stickers all over it, and he places it carefully on the top of the stack. I shrug out of my backpack and add it to the pile as Jasper pushes the trolley after Carlisle as he leads us out of the airport.

I like the car. It's a Mercedes, the newest model, and the leather seats are soft and comfortable when I slide into the backseat beside Jasper.

"It's about three and a half hours to Forks," Carlisle says, looking at us in the rear view mirror. "We'll stop somewhere along the way for lunch, and just let us know if you need anything. Otherwise, just settle in."

It's a pretty quiet drive. Esme and Carlisle talk a little, and Esme addresses a few things to Jasper. He does his best to answer, but he's never been in to small talk and she's not very successful at drawing him out.

I put my headphones on and stare out the window at the passing scenery. I know I'm being rude and I should be making more of an effort, but I can't. I know they're doing so much for Jasper and I, taking us in this way, but the necessity of it makes me so angry that I half hate them for their generosity.

Really, I just hate the whole world right now.

I hear Esme's light laugh even through the headphones, and see the smile Carlisle gives her. I wonder why they've decided to do this, take in Jasper and I to live with them for our senior year of high school. Especially considering that they already have three adopted high school aged kids of their own.

I curl a length of my hair around my finger and pull on it, the way I always do when I'm anxious. I've never met the Cullen kids before. Dr Cullen and my father were college roommates and they've always kept in touch. Dr Cullen and Esme have stayed with us every year when they come to Rochester for an annual medical conference, but their kids never came and we've never even been to their place in Forks. I know that their oldest, Emmett, will be a senior this year like Jasper and I, although he's a little older than we are, and that Edward and Alice are both a year younger. I know that they were all adopted, Edward as a toddler and Emmett and Alice when they were kids.

So maybe that's it, I muse, maybe the Cullens just like taking in strays. Maybe they like the broken and damaged… After it happened and my life in Rochester went to hell, it was Dr Cullen who suggested to my dad that I come and stay with them and do my senior year in Washington. He said it might be good for me to start over somewhere new and get away from it all.

Get away from it all. Yeah, like that's even possible. The cast is going to come off my arm soon and no one will ever know anything happened to me by looking at me, but the scars run so much deeper than the surface. I don't know what's waiting for me in Forks, but I somehow doubt that a plane ride across the country is going to be enough to leave my demons behind.

But in the end I agreed to go, if Jasper would come with me. Not that I had much choice really. Things in Rochester were impossible for me, so bad that even going to the other side of the country and starting my senior year at a new school, living with a family I barely knew, seemed preferable. Now that we're into the reality of it though…I pull harder on my hair and glare at the dark green forest flying by outside my window.


	2. Chapter 2- The Cullens

_Chapter 2- The Cullens._

After driving for a couple of hours we stop at a diner that's pretty much in the middle of nowhere. Jasper heads straight for the bathroom, but I sit uncomfortable in the booth with Carlisle and Esme.

"How are you feeling, Rosalie?" Carlisle asks, his voice taking on a professional note. "I've been in touch with your doctors in Rochester, and have had your medical records sent over. Everything healing?"

My whole body tenses and I stare at the table top. It's been wiped recently and I can see the trails of moisture on the formica. I can't believe he's bringing it up so casually, but of course he and Esme know all about it, and he's going to be my doctor here. I shove my arm below the level of the table so I don't have to look at the cast and without meaning to I find my other hand creeping up under my tank top to touch the newly healed scar on my belly. "I'm fine," I mutter.

Out of the corner of my eye I see Carlisle and Esme exchange glances. "That's good," Carlisle says easily. "I've made appointments for you at the hospital for Friday so we can x-ray and see how the fractures have healed, and assuming everything is looking good we can get that cast off. I thought you'd probably prefer to start school without it."

Jasper slides into the booth beside me and we order. The food comes quickly, but I'm not hungry anymore and most of my sandwich remains untouched on the plate. I listen to the others talk but I don't say anything until Esme mentions how excited her kids are that we're coming, and that they've been looking forward to meeting us.

"What did you tell them?" I ask abruptly. "What did you say about why we're coming to stay?" _What do they know about what happened to me?_

Once again Carlisle and Esme exchange glances.

"We didn't tell them the details," Carlisle says slowly. "They know that you were hurt, and that your father thought it might be better for you to do your senior year elsewhere. It's up to you what else you tell them and others, if and when you decide it's time."

"But Rosalie," Esme says softly. "You mustn't feel that this is anything shameful, what happened to you. It's not…"

"Excuse me," I mutter, pushing past Jasper so fast I nearly fall into his half eaten burger. "I'm going to the bathroom."

In the bathroom I lock myself in a stall and crouch on the toilet seat, bent forward with my head on my knees. My heart is thumping, and I wrap my hands over my head and shut my eyes, trying to breathe. _Everyone_ says that to me, that I shouldn't be ashamed, it's not my fault…but fuck them all. I feel what I feel, and I don't want anyone in Forks knowing anything.

The others are just finishing up their lunch when I go back out to the table. Esme looks at me with concern, but I don't meet her eyes. I tell Jasper he can eat the rest of my sandwich and he swallows it down in about two bites. Carlisle asks if we want dessert, but before Jasper can say yes (he's never going to turn down pie) I shake my head. I don't want to sit here and make awkward conversation anymore, I just want to get where we're going and hide.

I put my headphones back on for the rest of the drive. The Cullens live just outside some small town in Washington called Forks, and the last part of our drive takes place in the Olympic National Park. I can't get over how dense and mysterious this forest looks, with its soaring trees and endless green. As we turn at their mailbox and bump down the long dirt driveway I wonder what it's going to be like to live out here, and if the isolation is going to feel reassuring or menacing.

"Home!" Esme announces, and I hear the note of relief in her tone.

I don't say anything as I step slowly out of the car and gaze up at the house. It's incredible, all timber and glass that reflects the forest around it and completely huge. Dad always said the Cullens have real money, and looking at this house and the car we've just been driving in I can easily believe it.

"You're here! Hello!" A girl bounds down the front steps and towards the car. She's tiny, short and thin, with spiky dark hair and sparkling blue eyes. She's wearing a black and white polka dotted dress that has a real 50s vintage look to it, and is beaming as she wraps an arm around Esme's waist and leans against her, looking over at me. "I'm Alice, and I've been so looking forward to meeting you!"

Is she for real? Who in the world is that perky? But I give her a small smile in return and say, "Hi, I'm Rosalie," before I head to the rear of the car, where Jasper is hauling our bags from the trunk. I sling my backpack over one shoulder and try and pick up my suitcase with my good hand.

"Rosalie, leave that," Carlisle says. "The boys will get them for you. Emmett! Edward!" He raises his voice as he looks towards the house. "Some help please!"

I hear a muffled response from the house, and a moment later one of the boys comes down the steps. I wrap my arms around myself and tuck my hands into my armpits and look at him warily. He's wearing jeans and a button down shirt and has the lean build of a runner, and his reddish brown hair looks like it hasn't seen a comb since school ended, but he smiles easily and offers a hand to Jasper. "I'm Edward Cullen."

"Jasper Hale," Jasper answers. "And this is Rosalie."

Edward lifts a hand towards me, but when I don't make a move to respond he simply waves at me. "Hi Rosalie."

"Emmett!" Carlisle calls impatiently.

"Yeah, I'm coming!"

Someone who must be Emmett comes out of the house, the front door banging closed behind him. He pauses on the step for a moment and grins down at us, and I feel like someone's punched me right in the gut.

He's _beautiful._ I don't know the last time I looked at a person and felt this instinctive, overwhelming attraction to them, and it scares the hell out of me. _Emmett_ scares the hell out of me. He's big, taller even than Jasper and broad to go with it, and as he jumps down the steps I can see the strength and power he has in that big body. He's wearing shorts and sneakers without socks, and a t-shirt with a football team logo on the front and his hair is dark like Alice's but curly. As he comes closer he smiles at me, and I see the deep dimples in his cheeks.

I back up until I'm pressed against the car. I can't smile back at Emmett as he picks up my two suitcases without effort, even though he's still looking at me.

"Are these both yours? I'll take them upstairs?"

"Yes thanks Emmett," Carlisle says. "Come inside everyone. Rosalie and Jasper, if you want to go with Alice and Edward they'll show you to your rooms. You can unpack and settle in, or if you're hungry you can come downstairs to the kitchen and get a snack."

"Thanks," Jasper said awkwardly, slinging his rucksack over his shoulder and lifting his camera bag. "We really appreciate it Dr Cullen…Carlisle."

"Come on Rosalie!" Alice chirps. Before I can move she seizes my backpack from my shoulder and heads towards the house. "I'll show you your room…it was the spare room but I did some decorating for you. I hope you like it, but if you don't it doesn't matter, we can redo it. That might be fun…"

Emmett's disappeared with my suitcases, so I follow Edward and Alice and Jasper in to the house. It's just as amazing inside, all light wood and steel and glass everywhere, decorated with rich looking rugs and modern, abstract art. There are professionally taken and framed family photographs lining the wall beside the staircase and I can't help staring at them at I pass by.

"This is your room," Alice pokes her head out of the open door and grins at me. "Come on in."

The room is bigger than my room at home in Rochester. It's carpeted in a plush cream carpet with cream painted walls. The curtains and the quilt cover are both dark forest green, with embroidered flowers in a riot of colour along the bottom edges. The furniture- a full sized bed with a nightstand, a desk, a bookshelf and a dresser with a mirror – is all made from a highly polished cherry wood and someone (I'm guessing Alice, who is bouncing on the end of the bed and looking at me hopefully) has strung fairy lights over the bedhead and put some flowers on the dresser and a couple of knick knacks on the shelves so that the room doesn't look so bare.

"Do you like it? We bought the curtains and the quilt cover specially for you," Alice says anxiously. "We can change it if you want…"

"Give it a rest, Alice." Emmett backs out of a door that I guess must lead to the closet. "Give her a chance to even look at it!" He flashes his dimples at me. "I put your cases in the closet."

"Thanks." I mutter. As he moves towards the door I move away, keeping my back to the wall until I hit the desk. I reach behind me and stroke the smooth, polished surface. "It's nice Alice, thank you."

She beams and jumps to her feet. "I knew you'd like it! We'll share this bathroom now." She flings open the other door beside the closet and I see the bathroom, all tiled in grey and white. It has a double vanity and a big corner tub and shower, with the toilet behind the door. "I put all my things in the drawers on the right hand side so you can have the left," Alice tells me. "The towels are in the cupboard under the sink, face washers and bathmats are in there too, just use whatever you need!" For a moment a fleeting look of doubt crosses her face. "I haven't shared a bathroom for a long time, so I'm not sure how we'll manage before school…we'll work it out!"

Emmett, lounging against the doorframe, laughs at her. "You'll just have to spend less time fussing over your hair, pipsqueak."

"Oh, ha ha ha," Alice pokes her tongue out at him. "Go away. Rosalie and I are going to unpack her things and we don't need you around."

Emmett grins at her amiably and vanishes, and I relax slightly.

"I share a bathroom with Jasper at home," I say awkwardly. "It works out." Most people look at me and think I must spend hours in the bathroom doing my hair and my face, but I really don't. I _can_, if I'm going out or want to look special, but I rarely wear make up on ordinary days and my hair doesn't take a lot of maintenance.

"Want me to help unpack your things?" Alice offers.

"Thanks, but I'll be fine." Honestly I just want her to go away. I need to get used to this place. "Where's Jasper?"

"Oh, down the hall," Alice says. "My room's on the other side of the bathroom obviously, and Emmett and Edward and Jasper have the rooms on the opposite side and will share that bathroom." She stands up and smooths down her dress. "I'll leave you to sort out your things, but just call out if you need something."

Once she's done I shut the door and take a deep breath. The bed looks so inviting with the fluffy quilt and multiple pillows, and I fight the urge to just crawl into it and shut my eyes. If I thought I might fall asleep I'd probably do it, but I know that there's no way I'll be able to relax enough to sleep in a strange house, with strange noises and smells. Instead I go into the walk in closet and start unpacking my suitcases, putting my clothes away neatly on the hangers and shelves and in the drawers, putting my laptop on the desk and the few books I'd bought with me on the shelves. I leave the bag with my makeup and bathroom things on the vanity for the time being.

The manilla envelope is in the bottom of the suitcase, under my shoes. I put it there yesterday when I was packing to leave, but seeing it still gives me a shock and I feel my heart start to pound. Why did I bring it with me? Why do I even have it…what's the point in torturing myself? But like I can't help myself I open it and fight against the growing nausea as I look at the photographs that are never going to have a place in my modelling portfolio.

"Rose? What are you doing?"

I jump a mile and shove the envelope back in the suitcase, snapping it shut and trying to swing it up onto the top shelf. I can't do it with one hand and I swear as the case falls back, narrowly missing my head.

"What are you doing? Here, let me." Jasper takes the case from me and easily slides it to the back of the top shelf, pushing the other one up after it and then looking at me. "You settled in then?"

I shrug. "I guess so. What about you?"

A ghost of a smile drifts across Jasper's face. "I'm unpacked, at least." We go back into my bedroom and he pokes around, pulling open the empty desk drawers and prowling over to look out the window. "This is nice."

"Yeah." I join him at the window and look outside. There's a few feet of cleared grass surrounding the house before the forest looms up, looking thick and impenetrable. Even though I'm on the second floor and there's no way anyone could get up to it, I find myself automatically checking the window lock.

Jasper sees what I'm doing. "I'm just down the hall," he tells me softly. "If you need me I can be right here. Come on, I'll show you."

Silently I follow him down the hall. It's easy to tell whose room is whose as I pass them. Alice's door has an elaborate decorative panel with her name in painted wooden letters and glittery butterflies arranged on it, there's a small woodcut with Edward's name on it on the next door, and then the one beside it has a Forks high athletic pennant tacked up that I guess is Emmett's. Then there's a discreet sign on the bathroom door, and then the final door is Jasper's room.

Jasper's room is smaller than mine and painted a muted grey, but it's got the same kind of furniture. I wonder if they went out and purchased it new for us and I feel another stab of guilt about how much the Cullens are doing for me.

Jasper is looking at me carefully. "It's going to be okay here Rosalie."

I nod bleakly. It _has_ to be okay here…what other choice do I have but to make it so?


	3. Chapter 3- Seeing Scars and Drinking Tea

_Chapter 3- Seeing Scars and Drinking Tea._

Esme cooks a huge dinner. Roast beef and vegetables, a selection of salads and even homemade bread are all laid out on the eight seat dining table when Esme calls us down to dinner. I don't know the last time I sat down to a home cooked meal like this.

Everyone serves themselves from the side dishes and Carlisle carves the meat and adds slices to everyone's plates. I mumble thanks and then sit down quietly, but with the racket Emmett and Alice and Edward make talking as they eat my silence isn't really noticeable.

I don't eat a lot, picking at the small serving of vegetables I gave myself and nibbling at a piece of bread. As the three boys between them demolish the roast meat down to the bone and empty the vegetable platters, mopping up gravy with chunks of bread, and Alice eats more than I would have thought she could possibly fit into that skinny little body I don't think anyone is going to notice, but I guess I'm not used to having a mother around, because Esme smiles at me gently and says quietly, "You're not eating much Rosalie. Don't you like it? You're not vegetarian are you? Is there something else you would prefer?"

"No, it's fine. I eat meat, it's just that…I can't…" My words trail off helplessly, as I lift my cast and shrug. I can't use a knife and fork at the same time. There's an uncomfortable silence at the table as Jasper mutters a quick apology to me and cuts my meat while everyone watches, and I feel my cheeks burn.

"When do you get the cast off?" Alice asks conversationally. "How long has it been on? It must be such a pain!"

"I should get it off on Friday," I mumble. "It's been on for nearly eight weeks, so it should be healed." And the cast IS a pain. I can't get it wet, and only having one functional hand makes a lot of things impossible. I don't want to get into with Alice though, so I take a forkful of meat and stuff it in my mouth.

"Are you both settled in?" Carlisle asks.

"Please let us know if you need anything, of if we can help you with anything," Esme adds. "It's important to us that you feel at home here."

"Thank you, we're fine," Jasper says courteously. "It's good of you to do…all this." His eyes flick towards me and I know the rest of them are looking at me too, but I just keep chewing and ignore them as best I can.

I wonder what it's going to be like living in a house with so many people. My dad works so much that I'm used to it being pretty much just Jasper and I, and now I'm living here with five more people. The house is big and light and airy, but I'm uncomfortably aware of the presence of so many people.

I shower after dinner, going through the tedious process of wrapping the cast in plastic and using my teeth and other hand to fasten the rubber bands around my arm to hold it all in place, then struggling to wash and condition my hair with only one hand. It's worth it though, as I feel the grime of the trip here wash away, leaving me all fresh and clean smelling.

As I step out of the shower though, I catch a glimpse of my reflection in the full length mirror on the back of the door and I freeze. It's the first time I've seen this much of myself naked since just after it happened. Back then I saw my whole body naked and smashed the full length mirror, swearing I never wanted to see myself ever again, but now I drop the towel and just stare at myself, at what's left of me.

I must have lost twenty pounds since it happened, and that's not a great look for me. My ribs are too obvious and my hipbones look almost painful, the way they're jutting out against my skin. But all the bruising and swelling and wounds have gone and I'm back to looking just like I did before.

Almost.

Most of it healed so cleanly you'd never know to look at me that anything happened. There's a scar right up on my hairline, but no one will ever see it unless they know where to look, and a narrow red scar on my upper belly where they removed my spleen that the doctors say will fade with time. There are a few small scars on my belly from the laparoscopes and a bunch of small scars on my back that are hardly noticeable and will probably disappear.

Then there's _that. _I step close enough to the mirror that my forehead presses against it as I stare down at my breasts and the harsh, ugly purple crescent moon shaped scar that mars one now. A bite mark. It wasn't even deep, and in the emergency of tending to my fractured skull and cheekbone and broken arm and ruptured spleen and stopping all that bleeding no one even paid it much mind. But despite all the antibiotics they pumped into me it got infected and became an abscess and now I'm left with this ugly scar as a permanent reminder of what happened. I lean harder against the mirror, feeling my breasts flatten out against the cold glass and watching as the scar meets its own reflection and then the two of them meld and disappear, and I close my eyes and wish I could disappear too.

I don't even let my mind go to the other scars they left.

~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~0

Jasper comes into my room before he goes to bed, finding me already in pyjamas and reading in bed. He's smiling and despite looking tired he seems more relaxed than he has in a long time.

"I've been playing some video games with Edward and Emmett," he tells me with a laugh. "It's been good. You should come and play with us tomorrow maybe."

"Maybe," I say noncommittally. We both know I won't.

"You'll be okay tonight?" Jasper asks carefully.

I shrug. "Yeah. It'll be fine." I hope it is. I don't know what I will do here if the dreams come when there is no Jasper just across the hall, when there are other people who might hear me screaming. I don't want that.

Jasper hesitates. "Well, goodnight then. You know where I am…"

I nod, and try to smile. "Thanks. Goodnight."

I can't sleep though. I read with only half my attention, my ears straining to hear any sounds in the house. I listen as footsteps trudge up the stairs and then Jasper and Edward talk in the hall before doors open and close. I hear light footsteps as Alice hurries up the stairs and then I hear her in the bathroom and faint sounds as she moves around in her bedroom. Even when I eventually put my book down and turn out the light I can't sleep. It's too dark, and the house and surrounding forest is too silent and I toss and turn for hours, my arm itching under the cast and my mind whirling with thoughts that won't let me rest.

Finally I can't stand it anymore, and I slide out of bed and pad silently out into the hall and downstairs. The living room is lit by the flickering light of the tv that someone has left on, but the room seems deserted and I slip through it to the kitchen. I remember seeing a variety of teabags and an electric kettle in the butler's pantry and I think with a little desperation that maybe there'll be something there that might help me sleep.

"What are you looking for?"

I only just manage to bite back my scream as I whirl around. The wooden box holding all the teabags falls from my hand and crashes onto the tiles, breaking apart and sending the teabags scattering across the floor.

"Oh shit, sorry…I didn't mean to scare you."

It's Emmett, standing in the door of the pantry and looking contrite. He squats down and starts gathering up the fallen teabags, and after a moment to let my thudding heart calm down I crouch down beside him and help him.

"I'm sorry," he murmurs, and his eyes catch mine. "I thought you would have heard me coming. I just wanted to come and see what you were doing and if you needed anything."

Hear him coming? He's barefoot and he moves with a surprising amount of grace for such a big man- he could probably be a cat burglar if he wanted to.

I feel his eyes on me and I stand up and turn my back on him, placing the teabags on the counter with a shaking hand. I wish I'd worn a robe. My pyjamas are pale pink jersey cotton shorts and a matching pink and white tank top, but I'm uncomfortably aware that I'm not wearing a bra and it shows. I know he can see the way my nipples have gone hard in the cooler air in the pantry, and that when I was crouching down to help him pick up the teabags the shorts were riding up pretty high.

"I just wanted a cup of tea," I mutter, adding accusingly. "What are _you_ doing sneaking around in the middle of the night?"

Despite my bitchy tone, Emmett laughs and I feel his arm brush against mine as he reaches past me with the broken box and places it on the counter. "I was just watching tv and thought I heard someone in here. You want something to eat with your tea?" He looks at the shelves full of healthy, organic food and grimaces. "Well, you don't want anything that's in here…Esme hides the good stuff."

Emmett goes back into the kitchen and stretches up to open one of the high cabinets. His t-shirt rides up and I stare at the definition of his abs and the trail of hair running from his belly button down into the waistband of his shorts and wonder what it would feel like to touch him.

"When you've finished checking me out, I'll have my tea black with sugar," Emmett says casually, and feeling my face burn I go back into the pantry and take out a second mug for Emmett, wondering what on earth I'm doing as I make two cups of tea.

"Hey, score!" I hear the cabinet close. "I think Carlisle must have been doing good deeds…we've got peanut brittle and the fancy kind of chocolates that he's always being given as gifts."

I stir sugar into Emmett's mug, and then carry the two mugs, one at a time, into the kitchen. Emmett's sitting on one of the barstools pulled up to the granite counter, and I give him his mug and then take a seat on the barstool at the opposite end of the counter.

"Thanks," Emmett says, accepting the mug and taking a sip. "Peanut brittle? Chocolate?" He slides the box along the counter towards me and makes a face. "Is this Esme's herbal stuff?"

"I guess. It was labelled 'Sleepytime tea'," I answer, taking a sip and feeling the warmth start to spread. The tea smells good. I look longingly at the peanut brittle, which is one of my favourite things, but I doubt my teeth and jaw can stand up to the hardness so I take a chocolate instead.

"Having trouble sleeping?" Emmett asks.

I look at him sharply, but he's drinking his tea and staring peacefully out the window. "You're still awake too," I point out, looking at the chocolate box and finding the strawberry filled ones. I suddenly feel hungrier than I have all day.

Emmett laughs lightly. "I like late-night tv. And it's summer…may as well stay up late and then sleep late while I can. School starts next week."

"Don't remind me." I look at Emmett out of the corner of my eye, and then swallow some more tea, thinking deeply. I was intimidated by him when I first saw him. His height and breadth and the careless strength of him had felt menacing, but somehow now, sitting beside him in the dim kitchen lit only by the light falling from the open door of the butler's pantry, the last thing I feel is afraid. There's something about his face, with his dimples and long sooty eyelashes and the full lower lip that makes him look young and almost innocent.

"You're a senior this year, right?"

I nod. "Yes. You are too?"

"Yep. It'd be hard starting over at a new school for the last year," Emmett says thoughtfully.

I shrug and take another chocolate. "Better than staying where I was."

"Forks isn't bad anyway," Emmett says. "Our football team sucks, but there's some good kids."

_Football._ I haven't even thought about the fact that I've effectively given up my cheerleading captaincy by coming here, and if Forks high even has a team and would let a new senior try out they're certainly not nationally ranked for competition. Not that it matters…do I really think I'd feel like cheering now? I scowl deeply and drink my cooling tea.

"Don't you like football?" Emmett asks with a grin.

I haven't missed a football game since my friends and I started going to high school games in middle school and crushing on the players. "No," I say. "I don't really like it."

"Me either," Emmett says. He notices my small start of surprise and laughs. "You assumed I played, right? It's okay, everyone does. And I don't mind messing around a bit, but baseball's my sport." He drinks the last of his tea, and adds absently. "Oh, and I wrestle."

I just about choke. _Wrestling?_ Who _does_ that?

Emmett's watching my reaction with amusement. "You think wrestling is funny?"

I blink at him innocently. "I think it's…you _really_ do wrestling? Like rolling around on the floor groping other guys? And you wear one of those…things?" The idea of Emmett in skintight lycra has my cheeks feeling hot and I'm glad it's too dim for him to see me blushing.

"A singlet? Yes, I wear one…and I rock it out, I'll have you know."

I can't help it, I start laughing like I haven't done in weeks, and Emmett grins back at me and picks up the empty mugs and puts them in the sink.

"Maybe you'll be lucky enough to see me in it one day," he tosses over his shoulder as he heads towards the living room, pausing in the doorway to look back at me for a minute. "Hey, Rosalie?"

"Yeah?"

"I like the way you laugh."


	4. Chapter 4- Reminders

_Chapter 4- Reminders._

I sleep in a little after not falling asleep until so late. After washing my face and brushing my hair I dress, and then pause in the doorway, listening to the noises from downstairs. I can clearly hear Alice's high voice and bubbly laugh, and more subdued tones that might be Esme and Edward. I can't hear Jasper and I'm hesitant to go down without him, so I hurry as silently as possible down to his room and peer in. The curtains are pulled back and his bed is empty. He's even pulled the quilt up and straightened the pillows. I can't help but grin, wondering how long this abnormal tidiness is going to last.

I can't resist peeking into the open doors of the other bedrooms as I walk downstairs. Emmett's room is dim with the drawn curtains, but I can see enough to recognise that he's a bigger slob than Jasper usually is. There's stuff everywhere, and in the middle of the mess he's still sleeping, sprawled diagonally across the bed with the quilt wrapped around his shoulders and his bare feet sticking out the end. I move on quickly.

Alice's room is a riot of colour and personality. At first glance it looks chaotic, but then I realise that it's really artfully decorated and the whole thing works to create a space that's bright and welcoming. She has so many things- books and ornaments and stuffed toys and pictures and photographs and knickknacks and souvenirs. My curiosity is aroused and I step in to the empty room to look at the photographs that cover the pin board. They date from elementary school right up to recent times, all these photos of a beaming Alice with friends and family- going out, staying in, on holidays, in a cheerleading uniform, at school, camping, hiking…I wonder, a little wistfully, how Alice and I might have got along if we'd met under different circumstances.

In contrast to the other rooms, Edward's room is very neat. His bed is made and the enormous collection of books and cds and even vinyl records that I can see from the doorway are neatly arranged. I bet he alphabetises things. He has an enormous and expensive looking stereo system and an electric keyboard set up under the window. I would go in and look around further but I hear a muffled groan and a thud from Emmett's room and I remember that I'm not alone up here and flee downstairs.

"Good morning Rosalie!" Esme greets me cheerfully when I step cautiously into the kitchen. I can smell coffee, and the delicious scent of frying bacon and I wonder how much cooking this woman does.

Jasper's certainly appreciative. He's sitting at the kitchen table with a breakfast sandwich in his hands- hunks of homemade bread stuffed with what looks like egg and cheese and ketchup and half a pig worth of bacon. I don't even think I could get the thing in my mouth. He makes an inarticulate grunt which is the closest he can get to hello with the mouthful of food he's working on.

Edward is finishing off a similar looking sandwich beside him, and Alice is sitting behind an empty plate and drinking coffee out of a 'born to shop' mug. Esme's plate is empty too, and she rises to her feet and places it on the counter when I come in.

"Breakfast, Rosalie? Do you want some bacon? Eggs? French toast?" she offers. "Bacon and egg sandwich like the boys?"

"You don't have to cook for me," I say. "I can get something." I'm not used to having someone fuss over me, and I don't think I've had a cooked breakfast at home since my mom died. Jasper and I have always existed on cold cereal and microwave oatmeal.

"I don't mind," Esme says brightly. "Everything is already out and it will only take me a minute."

Jasper manages to swallow. "She likes bacon, maple syrup, peanut butter and banana toasted sandwiches," he tells Esme. "If you can bring yourself to make something that looks so revolting."

Everyone laughs and I roll my eyes impatiently, but I can't deny that Jasper is right. I think everything tastes better with peanut butter on it, and the sandwich that Esme hands me a few minutes later is a culinary work of art.

"Alice, would you go and wake Emmett please?" Esme asks. "I want to clean up the kitchen so he needs to come down and eat breakfast if he wants it. And you'll all be back at school in a few days, he needs to come back to earth and start getting up in the morning and actually going to bed before dawn."

"Do I have to? He's horrible to wake up. Esme, you know that…" Alice groans, but slips out of the kitchen obligingly enough.

A moment later there's an unearthly shrieking and thumping from upstairs. Jasper and I both look up in alarm but Edward just chuckles as he carries his plate to the dishwasher. "Well, that sounds like it went well."

Alice appears again in a moment, smiling and apparently unruffled as she pours herself another coffee and sits back at the table. "He's coming," she says sweetly to Esme.

Emmett shuffles in a moment later, scowling mutinously. He's only wearing a pair of shorts slung low on his hips, and once again I am swamped with the desire to touch him. I turn my head away and let my hair fall forward to shield my face as he drops into the chair beside me with a groan.

"Why do I have to get up? We're not back at school yet."

"Bacon and eggs for breakfast?" Esme asks, ignoring his moaning. "And next time can you remember to dress yourself before coming downstairs please?"

Emmett sighs heavily and leans forward onto the table, pillowing his head on his arms, his face turned to me. He gives me a sleepy smile and murmurs, "But Rosalie likes to look at me, I'm adorable."

I don't think anyone else hears him, but I snort. He's so outrageously full of himself! I take my empty plate over to the sink, almost surprised to realise that I've eaten the whole sandwich.

"Good girl," Esme says to me approvingly. "A few more meals like that would do you the world of good. I spoke to your dad Rosalie, and he said you haven't had a chance to do any back to school shopping but that he gave you a credit card? I thought perhaps you and Alice and I could go shopping today? I'm sure you'll need more clothes than you were able to bring on the plane."

I nod. I realised when I dressed this morning how sparse my wardrobe is here, but I hadn't wanted to bring many of my old clothes with the memories that were attached to them. The idea of buying new clothes for this new life appeals to me. "That would be great actually. I do need a lot…do we go shopping in Forks?"

Alice laughs. "Not unless you want to buy hiking clothes from Newton's! We'll go to Port Angeles. Can I invite Bella? She's my best friend," she explains to me.

I shrug. I don't care if Alice brings friends. Esme tells her it's fine if Bella comes, and Alice grabs her phone to make a call.

"I'm assuming none of you boys want to come?" Esme asks the three boys still sitting around the table. "You're more than welcome of course."

"No thanks," Edward says.

Jasper looks at me and lifts an eyebrow, but I shrug and he smiles at me and shakes his head at Esme. "No, I won't come. But if you can pick me up a couple of notebooks for school Rose, that would be good."

Emmett's eyes are closed as he rests on the table, but he rouses himself as Esme places a plate of bacon and eggs in front of him and, after a jaw breaking yawn that shows me that he's got three silver fillings in his back molars and apparently had his tonsils removed at some point, he starts eating. "Thanks Mom, this is great," he says through a mouthful, and Esme affectionately runs a hand through his mop of curly hair.

"You're welcome, Em. And I'm sorry you had to wake up, but you need to get back into a normal schedule before school goes back." It's obvious how much she loves her kids, and I feel the same sense of emptiness I have always felt when I'm in the presence of families who are close and loving.

Alice skips back into the kitchen. "It's all set, Bella's dad is going to drop her off in half an hour, so we can plan to leave after that. I'm just going to run upstairs and have a quick shower. If you don't need the bathroom Rosalie?"

I shake my head. "No, I'm good."

While I'm waiting, I prowl around the lower level of the house. Alice showed me around yesterday, hastily before dinnertime, but now I take my time and really look.

I think I could love this house. With all the timber and glass opening up to the forest outdoors it's light and cool and airy, with furniture that manages to look both stylish and yet comfortable enough to settle in to. There's a lot of art scattered throughout, modern paintings and beautiful sculpture mixed in with antique curios, but it doesn't give the impression of being a museum either. I'm sure that all these things were chosen with deliberate care and mean something to the people who bought them. Even with all that, the house exudes warmth and it's obvious that a family live here. There are framed photograph everywhere, music books with pencil notations and dog-eared pages piled on the grand piano in the living room, a basket with yarn and something half knitted in it beside the sofa. The books on the shelves in the study are an eclectic collection and look well-read, there are piles of battered boxes containing board games on the lower shelves too, and rows of leather bound photo albums.

As well as the spacious living room and the study, this floor also has the kitchen, the dining room, a luxury powder room, and Esme and Carlisle's bedroom suite, which I don't go in to. There are also steps going down to the next level which, due to the house being built into the hill, is a half basement room, so I step down them to see what Alice referred to as 'the rec room' in her brief and incomplete tour. The enormous room does have a pool table, but it's also a nearly fully equipped gym and dance studio. The floorboards under my bare feet feel ideal for dancing, and there is a barre along one mirrored wall. The half of the room that doesn't have floorboards is carpeted and holds the pool table, a treadmill, elliptical machine and stationary bike, as well as both weight machines and free weights. All the equipment looks top of the range. There are two open doors in the far wall and I can see through to a bathroom and a laundry room.

I lightly hold the barre and almost automatically begin going through my stretching exercises. Twelve years of ballet lessons have left the routines ingrained in me, and even though I've focussed more on cheer and gymnastics in the last few years I still like the classical ballet warm ups I grew up with. This is the first time I've done any stretching since it happened, and my muscles feel tight and stiff as I move through the positions and do my plies.

"Rosalie, should you be doing that?" It's Esme, coming down the steps with a basket of laundry in her arms. Emmett's behind her carrying another two baskets, and I feel my face flush as Esme goes on, her tone concerned. "Has your doctor given you the okay to start exercising yet?"

I let go of the barre and wrap my arms tightly around myself. "Not yet."

"Well, maybe you should wait and talk to Carlisle?" Esme suggests. "You don't want to rush into anything you're not ready for."

I shrug and turn away, moving quickly back up the stairs to the next level of the house. I'm not quick enough though that I don't see the curious look Emmett throws at me and hear his low voiced question to Esme. "It's not just her arm then?"

I'm already tense from that interaction with Esme, and when I reach the living room and see through the window that there's a police car and a man in uniform out the front talking to Alice, I feel like I've hit breaking point. The memories come back, all the _questions_ and being made to _talk_…I don't know if I'm going to throw up or start screaming.

"Rosalie." It's Jasper, standing as close to me as he can without touching me, his voice low and soothing. "Breathe Rosalie, just breathe…it's okay. That's just Bella's dad, Alice's friend Bella…he's got nothing to do with that. Look at me…Rosalie, come on, look at me…"

I force myself to look at him, and his familiar, concerned face calms me as only he can. The tight bands of fear around my chest loosen a fraction and I struggle to take deeper breaths and stop the panicked gasping.

"That's just Bella's dad," Jasper repeats. He's so close to me that I can smell the clean scent of his deodorant and clothes, and his blue eyes look into mine intently. "He gave her a ride over so she can go shopping with you. It's okay Rosalie, you're okay…" He holds up his palm and I press mine against it, the only way I can stand to let him touch me anymore even though I know he would love to hug me like he used to.

I manage a deep, shuddering breath and feel the terror recede. _I'm okay. That cop isn't anything to do with me. I'm okay._ Jasper nods at me reassuringly, and after another moment I gently tap his fingertips with mine and let my hand drop.

"Thanks," I whisper. I'm so lucky to have him- I don't know how I would have got through the last eight weeks without him. He's always been the more sensitive and placid one of us, always much steadier and more sensible than me, and since it happened I sometimes think that the emotional stability he offers me is the only reason I haven't fallen completely apart.

Jasper nods. "It's okay," he says. "Why don't you go upstairs and find your purse, you'll be leaving soon."

I take another deep breath and look away from him, only to feel my heart clench as I realise Esme and Emmett are standing at the top of the steps to the rec room and they've heard everything. With a face like stone I flip my hair back and walk as quickly as I can up the stairs and down the hall to my room.

I came here to get away, but how can you get away from what's poisoning your own heart?


	5. Chapter 5- Girls' Day Out

_Chapter 5- Girls' Day Out._

"Alice, you didn't tell me she looked like a supermodel! Honestly, how I am supposed to go shopping and try on clothes today with someone who looks like _that_ right there?"

In the bathroom I pause, the brush caught in my hair as I listen to Alice and her giggling friend. The two of them have just come clattering upstairs and into Alice's room, and now they're talking about me.

Alice laughs gaily. "Oh Bella, you're beautiful too! Although I do admit Rosalie _is_ gorgeous."

"I'll say. I didn't know people could look like that in real life! I bet the boys were drooling."

"Oh, Emmett was just _embarrassing_!" Alice said derisively. "You know what he's like- put something blonde with boobs in front of him and the big dope loses his mind."

"What about Edward?" Bella is trying to sound careless but even I catch the edge to her voice. What Edward thinks of me matters a lot more to her than Emmett's opinion of me does.

"Oh, Edward…maybe if Rosalie draped herself over his piano he'd pay attention!" Alice laughs again. "Bella my darling, I've told you before, Edward isn't like other boys. He's not going to have his head turned by any random pretty girl…even one who looks like Rosalie. He's going to open his eyes and see you one day, I know he will."

"I don't think that's so likely with Rosalie living in the next bedroom," Bella says glumly.

Slamming my hairbrush down loud enough that they'll know I'd been in the bathroom listening to them, I stomp back into my bedroom. I hate feminine judgement of me based solely on the way I look! Insecure girls who look at me and decide that I'm a bitch, or a slut out to steal their boyfriends, or that I'm trying to make them feel ugly or inferior…all because of some random combination of genes that have given me this face and hair and body that people consider beautiful.

In my room I look for my bag, checking that I've got some cash and the new credit card dad gave me in my purse, and then I go downstairs. Jasper meets me at the bottom of the staircase, holding a Ziploc bag that holds what I eventually identify as the shattered remains of my phone.

"Here," he mutters, dropping it into my bag. "Get yourself a new phone today. You'll need it once school starts."

"I like not having a phone," I say rebelliously.

A brief look of impatience crosses Jasper's face before he laughs. "Get one anyway," he orders. "I _think_ they can salvage the SIM card from that, but you can always get yourself a new number with your new phone if you want."

I take the broken phone from my bag and hold it out until Jasper takes it from me. "I'll get a new phone with a new number," I say to him quietly. "I'm starting over…I don't want anything from Rochester here."

Jasper nods slowly, and for a minute his palm touches mine. He understands that I'm talking about so much more than the phone itself. I smashed the phone myself after it happened, unable to bear the endless stream of phone calls and texts and pictures that were constantly invading my broken heart and mind, shattering what little was left of my world. So much trust lost. Since then I've held myself aloof- no phone calls or text messages or emails, no Facebook or Twitter or instant messaging. Just me, safe in this self-imposed isolation.

"Come on girls," Esme calls. "We need to get going. Boys…behave yourselves! Call me if you need anything." She kisses Edward on the forehead as she passes him, and waves to Emmett and Jasper. I follow her and slide into the front seat of the Audi that's parked out on the driveway. A moment later Alice and Bella jump into the backseat, slightly more subdued now.

They take me on a quick tour of Forks, and it's easy to see why we're not shopping here. The place is so small! There's the single high school, the middle school and the elementary, the police station, the hospital and medical clinic where Carlisle works, a couple of churches, a few stores and businesses. There's several boutique hotels and bed and breakfast places, and Esme tells me that people come to stay for the fishing sometimes. A lot of people are employed by the prison system. Everywhere we drive in town we can see the forest.

"That's it?" I say, a little blankly as the town is left behind and Esme speeds up for the drive to Port Angeles.

Alice giggles. "Yes, that's all the sights and excitement of Forks!"

"Wow," I say, trying to think of something to say. "It's, um…small."

"Carlisle likes small town doctoring," Esme says with a laugh. "The clinic and the hospital serve the town and the surrounding area, so it's more people than it looks like. There's also the Quileute reservation to the west, and Carlisle was excited to have the opportunity to do some work there when the job here in Forks came up."

"How long have you lived here?" I ask uncertainly. Esme is so chic and stylish and their house is so sophisticated in design that neither would be out of place in New York. I wonder how she feels about living in the backwoods.

"Just over two years," Esme answers. "We moved in just before Alice and Edward started high school." She glances in the rear view mirror and smiles at Bella. "Unlike Bella, who was born here, I think we'll always be considered outsiders."

Bella blushes. "I'm kind of an outsider too though," she says. "After all, I _left._ My parents divorced when I was little," she tells me, and I can tell by the slightly strained note of friendliness in her voice that she's uncomfortable over what I heard her saying earlier and is trying to make amends for it. "My mom took me with her to Phoenix and I lived with her there until last year. She got remarried and I thought I'd try living with my dad for a while so I moved to Forks. Dad's the police chief here."

"I guess this is pretty different to Phoenix," I say.

Bella shrugs. "Yeah. I really miss the sunshine," she says ruefully. "I'm _never_ going to get used to Forks' rain! I miss my mom too, of course, but it's been really nice to get to know my dad a bit better. Mom and I left when I was so young, I don't remember ever living here full time until now."

"Well, I'm glad you came back!" Alice says, giving her a friendly poke on the arm.

"Who needs to buy what today?" Esme asks.

"Well, I've done all my back to school shopping that's absolutely _necessary_," Alice says mournfully, before adding cheerfully. "But of course, if the best mommy in the world wants to buy her baby girl some lovely new clothes anyway, I won't say no! There was a rather divine pair of boots that I saw last time and didn't buy, but they really would go well with SO much in my wardrobe, really be an absolute _investment…_"

Esme chuckles. "Nice try, little minx! You can show me though, and we'll see. Bella, do you need anything?"

Bella shakes her head. "No, not really, I'm just looking. I wouldn't mind going to the bookstore though."

Alice sighs dramatically. "Bella, Bella, Bella…back to school shopping is for _clothes._ You know, those things you wear? That can come in forms other than denim jeans and t-shirts? There actually ARE different fabric patterns besides plaid if you open your eyes and look around!"

I can't help laughing at Alice's look of despair and Bella's long-suffering sigh. It's clear just from looking at them that their views on clothes don't exactly match- Bella's wearing blue jeans, a white scoop neck t-shirt and a pair of battered Chucks, while Alice is wearing a short skirt, strappy sandals and a pink wraparound shirt.

Alice leans forward to the front seat, resting her chin on her folded hands as she looks at me imploringly. "Please tell me you like clothes Rosalie. You do, don't you? You're going to look at pretty things and cute things and fashionable things with me today, aren't you? And let me help choose outfits?"

"Alice," Esme admonishes. "Settle down."

"It's okay," I say, looking at Alice. "I like clothes, and I hardly brought anything with me so I'm going to need to get everything. I'd love some help."

I can already tell that Alice has an innate sense of fashion and flair for styling, and I'm happy to talk clothes with her. I've always loved shopping with my friends, I enjoy clothes and dressing up to look good, but I'm not very creative with it. The way I look has always garnered enough attention without adding flamboyant or outlandish clothes.

Alice grins at me in delight. "Oh, it's going to be fun! Even if you can't try some things on over the cast…it's coming off before school though right?"

"If it's all healed," I say into the sudden quiet. Just the mention of the cast has brought down such an uncomfortable silence as everyone is reminded of what happened to me. "I'm having x-rays tomorrow."

"Is it your wrist or hand?" Bella asks in her soft voice. "Was it a break or a fracture?"

The tension in the car is almost palpable as Esme and Alice wait to see how I'll respond to direct questions. For a moment I wish fiercely that Jasper was here, or that I was somewhere else, but I force my face to remain impassive and my voice even as I reply. "I had a distal break in the ulna – that means in the arm bone, down near my wrist- as well as a fracture in one of the metacarpal bones of my hand, and three broken fingers."

I realise as I say it that I've never had to describe the injuries. That the doctors communicate via their reports and photographs and x-rays and I have just been the passive recipient of their attentions. It has always been someone else telling _me_ about the ways in which I've been broken and damaged…I'm surprised to discover that listing off the injuries in emotionless, clinical language doesn't hurt the way listening to someone else describe me does.

Bella blanches. "Oh god, ouch. That sounds excruciating. I've broken a finger before – I'm horribly clumsy, I slammed it in a car door – and that was bad enough."

"I broke my leg once," Esme says with a giggle. "I fell out of a tree."

I can't help laughing myself. The idea of Esme, sleek, well put-together Esme climbing trees and falling out of them is kind of amusing. At the same time I wish I had such an innocent story as to how I got hurt…no one really wants to hear about breaking your bones the way mine were broken.

"I need a new cell phone too," I say, remembering.

"Oh, that reminds me I have to get something for Emmett's birthday," Esme says with a sigh. "I thought I'd replace his ipod…he's been without one since he stood on it earlier in the summer. He might have learned his lesson about taking care of his things after being without it so long…"

Alice snorts. "Yeah, right…Emmett taking care of his things, that'll be the day." She shakes her head. "However I do think buying him a new one is a good idea, since it will hopefully stop him borrowing mine!"

"When is his birthday?" I ask curiously.

"Saturday," Alice tells me. "He'll be nineteen. I bought him a pair of socks," she adds with a giggle. "Which I know is terrible, but it's all he deserves…last birthday he bought me _soap_. Can you believe that? Not even nice soap, just a rectangle bar of soap from the grocery store!" She rolls her eyes as Bella and Esme laugh.

I smile too and wonder if I should buy him a gift too. But I quickly discard that idea- I don't even know him and wouldn't have a clue what to buy him. But even as I think that the image of him, bare-chested and sleepy and beautiful sitting at the table that morning, rises up in my mind and I can feel my belly fluttering. _I want to know him._

The shopping trip is fun. Port Angeles is hardly New York City, which is where I usually do my back to school shopping, but it doesn't really matter. Between what I find and all the outfits Alice drapes over me and convinces me I need, I come close to hitting the limit on the card, and in the Apple store I buy myself a shiny new iphone before we head for home.

Bella, Esme and I are quiet on the way home. I think the others are tired, and I know I am. The shopping was more physical activity than I've done since it happened, and eight weeks of lying in bed hasn't done my fitness level any favours. I scratch at the skin around the edges of my cast and think over what I bought. I'll need to go back and buy some more winter clothes in a month or two, but I've got enough to start school with.

"You really need a car to get around here, don't you?" I say thoughtfully. I think about the distance to Forks from the house, and realise I'm not even going to be able to get to school without being driven. Here I won't have friends to give me rides, and mom's old convertible is still sitting at home in the garage since there was no way it was going to make the cross country to drive to Forks. "I should talk to dad about that."

"The kids generally use the Volvo for getting to and from school," Esme says quickly. "When I don't need it they'll drive this one too. There's Emmett's Jeep as well, and Carlisle drives the Mercedes to and from work. We manage to juggle rides fairly well, and we'll make sure you and Jasper get where you want to go too."

"Thanks," I say slowly, "But it would be nice to have something of my own. Jas and I have been driving Mom's old convertible sometimes- it's in pretty bad shape, but I love it. I asked Dad if he'd pay to do it up for my birthday, and he said maybe he would…maybe he'll do it a little earlier."

"My friend Jacob and his buddies are good with cars," Bella volunteers from the backseat. "He keeps my truck going."

"Bella drives a 1953 Chevy truck," Alice informs me. "It's an absolute tank."

"Yeah?" I say, suddenly interested. "So your friend knows about older cars?" I twist around in my seat to look at her. "My mom's is a '69 Camaro."

"You're in to _muscle cars_?" Bella says in disbelief.

_What, because girls like me aren't supposed to be in to the classics? _I raise my eyebrows and say icily, "What's wrong with that?"

"Nothing!" Bella says hastily, "Nothing at all! I bet Jacob and the other guys will love it…if you want I can ask him."

"That would be great," I say slowly. "I'll talk to my dad about getting it here, I think. If that's okay, Esme?"

"Whatever you want, sweetie," Esme says. "There's room in the garage."

I sit back against the soft leather seat and imagine my mom's beat up old car made shiny and new again, the powerful engine tuned, giving me the freedom and independence here that I've been afraid I might have lost forever. I look out the window at the forest racing past in a green blur and I give a small smile. It seems there are still things to look forward to, even now.

* * *

_A/N- Just wanted to say thanks for all the positive reviews and encouragement for this. I can't reply directly to anon reviews, but I appreciate every one. I was really unsure about all-human, honestly, and it's been a big boost to know that people are connecting with this Rosalie, who's a bit more fragile and struggling a bit more than her badass vampire counterpart. _

_I also forgot to say at the start that I've taken the title from the song "Where the Wild Roses Grow" by Nick Cave and Kylie Minogue. I'm definitely showing my age with this one, since it was released in 1996! But the lyrics make me think of Rosalie and the song is really sad and beautiful, so you should go and check it out on youtube._

_They call me 'The Wild Rose'  
But my name was Elisa Day  
Why they call me it, I do not know  
For my name was Elisa Day_

_From the first day I saw her, I knew she was the one  
She stared in my eyes and smiled  
For her lips were the color of the roses  
That grew down the river, all bloody and wild_

_When he knocked on my door and entered the room  
My trembling subsided in his sure embrace  
He would be my first man and with a careful hand  
He wiped at the tears that ran down my face_

_They call me 'The Wild Rose'  
But my name was Elisa Day  
Why they call me that, I do not know  
For my name was Elisa Day_

_On the second day, I brought her a flower  
She was more beautiful than any woman I've seen  
I said, "Do you know where the wild roses grow  
So sweet and scarlet and free?"_

_On the second day, he came with a single red rose  
He said, "Give me your loss and your sorrow"  
I nodded my head, as I lay on the bed  
"If I show you the roses, will you follow?"_

_They call me 'The Wild Rose'  
But my name was Elisa Day  
Why they call me that, I do not know  
For my name was Elisa Day_

_On the third day, he took me to the river  
He showed me the roses and we kissed  
And the last thing I heard was a muttered word  
As he knelt above me with a rock in his fist_

_On the last day, I took her where the wild roses grow  
She lay on the bank, the wind light as a thief  
And I kissed her goodbye, said, "All beauty must die"  
And I lent down and planted a rose between her teeth_

_They call me 'The Wild Rose'  
But my name was Elisa Day  
Why they call me it, I do not know  
For my name was Elisa Day  
My name was Elisa Day  
For my name was Elisa Day_


	6. Chapter 6- Doctors and Demons

_Chapter 6- Doctors and Demons._

"Rosalie!" It's Emmett, shouting my name through the lower level of the house. I'm packing the dishwasher in the kitchen after breakfast, and even though I don't answer him, a moment later he bounds in from the living room. "Hey, there you are. Are you ready to go? Esme had an emergency at work and had to leave already. But she said you're meeting Carlisle at ten and I'm supposed to drive you."

"I can drive myself," I say sullenly, closing the dishwasher.

Emmett doesn't take offence at my tone, instead he just grins at me and tosses me a set of keys which I catch automatically with my good hand. "That's cool. You can drive me then," he says breezily. "I need a few things in town. I'll meet you out in the garage."

Shaking my head as he disappears, I reluctantly pick up my purse and jacket from where I left them on the table earlier, and trudge out to the garage. The last thing I want to do is go to the hospital and have to endure the medical checks Carlisle has scheduled for me.

Out in the garage I press the remote unlock, and it's the raised red Jeep with the spotlights and enormous tyres that beeps and flashes its lights. I look at Emmett and raise my eyes. "_That's_ yours? Figures." The thing's obnoxious- it looks like it would be at home on the moon.

"Don't hate on my Jeep," Emmett says, opening the door for me with a wicked grin. "She's awesome…you can drive a stick shift then?"

"Yes I can," I snap, before I remember my cast. "Not with this thing though," I mutter sulkily, slapping the keys into Emmett's hand and stamping around to the passenger door.

Once I've managed to haul myself up I pull helplessly at the tangle of straps that seems to take the place of a seat belt. Emmett chuckles as he reaches over to me. "It's an off-roading harness," he tells me. "It's safer when you're driving over rough terrain, and that's mostly what I got her for…here, grab that bit for me."

I tense as he pulls the straps across and buckles them, but he's careful not to touch me and when he's finished he sits back and smiles at me with a smile of such endearing sweetness that I smile back. _He's so beautiful…please don't look at me like that._

We don't talk much on the way. Emmett's a more careful driver than I would have expected, and I'm too anxious over what's coming up to make small talk. It feels all too soon that we're pulling into the parking lot of Forks Community Hospital.

Emmett jumps down from the Jeep and comes around to my side, opening the door for me while I'm still struggling with the buckles on the harness. When I finally get it undone he's standing waiting patiently, and the height of the vehicle means that for the first time ever I'm not looking up at him.

Emmett looks up at me thoughtfully for a moment, and when he speaks his voice is kind. "Come on, I'll take you through to Carlisle's office."

I simply nod, not sure that I would trust myself to speak even to ask for directions, and follow Emmett's broad back through the main entrance and down a wide corridor to double swinging doors marked 'Community Clinic'. I have to fight my urge to run as Emmett holds the door for me.

The receptionist greets him with fond familiarity. "Emmett! I didn't know you had an appointment with your dad today! How have you been going over the summer? Did you make it to the baseball camp? You know Andy is dying for you to come down to the park and play again sometimes!"

"I'm good thanks Jean," Emmett grins. "I did get to camp and I've got lots of new stuff to show Andy and the other little guys next time. And I don't have an appointment with Carlisle today, I just bought Rosalie for hers because she didn't know which way to go."

"Oh of course. Well, you would be Rosalie Hale, then?" Jean gives me a friendly smile and hands me a clipboard and a pen. "Since you're a new patient we need to get you into the computer system, so if you could just fill this out dear. You've got your insurance card and things? Okay then, just bring it up to the desk when you're finished."

I take the clipboard and walk over to the waiting row of chairs. There's a lot of people waiting, mainly elderly people and moms with kids, and I feel uncomfortably conspicuous.

"You want me to stay?" Emmett asks quietly. "I don't mind, if you want company."

The look of concern he wears is genuine, but I shake my head. I don't want Emmett to see me here, in the hospital, where I'm back feeling like a terrified victim. So I start filling out the forms with my name and information and say carelessly, "No, I'm fine. I'll be a while, you go and do whatever you have to do in town."

"Okay." Emmett hesitates for a minute, rocking from foot to foot. "I'll give you a ride home when you're done," he tells me finally. "Just text me when you're ready."

"Bye." I don't look up, and a moment later I hear his footsteps leave. I finish filling in the forms and then take them up to the counter, bracing myself for what lies ahead.

Carlisle is a good doctor, and a thorough one. When I see him he has all my medical records from Rochester, and gives me orders for repeat blood tests and x-rays. A nurse takes me to pathology and then directs me to the x-ray department, where they scan my arm, hand and fingers, skull, face and ribs before sending me back to Carlisle in the clinic. After what feels like an interminable wait I'm called into his office, and I go in and perch uneasily on the chair beside his desk.

Carlisle smiles at me, looking friendly and relaxed as he clicks through several screens on his computer. I can see ghostly grey outlines of my bones. "We won't have the blood test results for a few days, but I don't think you need to worry too much about them," he tells me. "You were treated prophylactically, so that should have taken care of any problems. I've got your x-rays here now and that's all looking good. Ribs, cheek, arm, hand and fingers are healed, and your skull is well on the way. I consulted with one of the specialist orthopaedists on staff and he agreed with me that the cast can come off, and in terms of the breaks and fractures you're cleared to resume normal activities for the most part. No contact sports for another few months to give your skull time to heal completely, and be sensible. I don't know if you were planning on trying out for cheer leading here…?"

I shake my head.

"Okay, well never mind." Carlisle picks up the phone and speaks to someone briefly, and then gives me a smile. "They're waiting for you down in the fracture clinic to take the cast off. If you go and do that then come back here and we'll finish up."

A student doctor takes my cast off, cutting it away with a circular saw that looks like it could take my arm off if he slipped. He blushes as he holds my hand and makes jokes that I can't laugh at as he cracks away the cast.

My arm feels so strange without the hard shell of fibreglass it's been encased in for the last nearly eight weeks. It feels light and fragile, as though it might break again at any moment, and I can't help the look of distaste on my face as I take in how thin and flaky and dirty my skin looks.

"It'll look like the other one in no time," the doctor says. He wipes the arm down with wipes that smell like alcohol, gently turning and flexing my wrist as he does so. "Does it feel okay? No pain?"

I shake my head. I hated the cast, but having it removed has made me feel oddly naked and vulnerable. Even walking back to Carlisle's office I cradle it protectively in my other hand.

"I bet that feels better," Carlisle says cheerfully when he calls me in again. He too takes my arm and manipulates my wrist and fingers gently. "It'll take a little while to feel normal again, but probably not as long as you expect. If it starts aching we can strap it for you, to give it a bit of extra support, but we'll leave it for now. I'm sure you can't wait to go home and have a shower without having to put your hand in a plastic bag."

I can't deny he's right about that.

"Okay, just a couple more things. How's your surgery site? You've had no trouble with that? If you want to just pull your t-shirt up, I'll take a look."

My heart is thumping, but I stand up and lift my t-shirt up to reveal my belly. "That all feels normal," I say, glad when my voice doesn't shake. "I haven't had any trouble with that healing."

Carlisle probes at my scar with cool, gentle fingers. "It's healed up really nicely, and that scar will be barely noticeable in time. I'll just take a look at the other one…" I stare past his shoulder, pretending I'm somewhere else as he lifts my t-shirt a little higher and pulls down my bra cup so he can see the bite scar on my breast. "There's no discomfort associated with that?"

When I shake my head he releases my clothes and I immediately tug everything back into place and sit down, my arms folded defensively across my chest. Carlisle sits back in his chair and taps his desk thoughtfully. "I'm not an expert in scar reduction, but they may be able to do something for that. I know an excellent plastic surgeon and I can arrange for you to have a consult with him and find out your options. It may involve another surgery, or laser treatment to minimise the scarring."

"Not now," I say, my voice a little hoarse. As much as I hate that scar the idea of having to show it to strangers and having surgery on my breast to try and remove it is too much for me right now.

"There's no rush," Carlisle agrees. "I would recommend waiting several more months to see how it does on its own first. Okay then," he looks back at the computer, his eyes scanning the reports he has up on the screen. "I'm going to need to do a pelvic exam now Rosalie, and then we're done."

I don't say anything but I don't move either, and the look Carlisle gives me seems laced with pity. "I'm sorry, I understand that it's difficult, but I need to check that everything there has healed as well. I'll get the nurse to come in…"

"No!" I'm on my feet, kicking off my shoes and yanking down my jeans with fingers that fumble with haste before he can finish. "I don't want anyone to…_watch_…_" _The words choke me.

"Okay, that's fine. Whatever makes you more comfortable. Lie on the table and put your feet up."

Carlisle turns his back. I don't put on the paper gown he has on the end of the bed but leave my t-shirt on as I scramble up and throw the sheet over my legs. He has a mobile hanging up over the bed, a fancy version of what people put over babies' cribs, and as I lie back I stare at the delicate paper fish as they seem to swim around each other.

"Try and relax Rosalie," Carlisle says. "I don't want this to be any harder than it already it is…let me know immediately if something is uncomfortable, or if you want to take a break."

I can't relax, but I cross my forearms over my face so I can't see him and bite my lip so I don't make a sound. Below the scent of the cleansing wipes I can still smell the sour, rotten smell of the arm that's just been cut free of the cast pressed against my nose, and I don't know if it's that or the feel of Carlisle's impersonal hands that's making me want to vomit.

"All done," Carlisle announces, pulling off his gloves and handing me some paper towel so I can wipe the slippery goo off me. "You've healed beautifully Rosalie, your doctors in Rochester did an excellent job. You can get dressed again now."

I don't think I've ever put my jeans on as quickly as I do then. Despite scrubbing between my legs with the rough paper towel the gel Carlisle used for his examination still feels damp and sticky between my legs and I know if I don't get out this office soon I'm going to throw up.

"We've taken care of everything then, Rosalie," Carlisle says to me with a smile. "As I said, you still need to take a little care with your skull, but in other respects you're free to resume your regular activities. The only other thing I wanted to talk to you about was getting you into some good talk therapy. One of the therapists here at the hospital has a lot of experience counselling survivors and I think she'd be a great choice for you…"

"No." I move towards the door, shaking my head in agitation. "I appreciate what you're doing for me, but no. Just…no. I'm not going to therapy."

Carlisle frowns a little. "Your father and Esme and I all think it would be a good idea…" he begins.

"Yeah, well I don't," I say flatly. I reach the door and grip the handle tightly. "Not a good idea, not now…I just want to settle in to school and being here and…" I don't finish either. What am I supposed to say? I want to just forget about it? I want to pretend that nothing happened to me? All of these are true, but as I let myself out of Carlisle's office and hurry down the hallway towards the exit I know that I'm just kidding myself. I can pretend and ignore all I like, but nothing is going to change the fact that it happened.


	7. Chapter 7- Emmett's Story

_Chapter 7- Emmett's Story._

Out in the sunshine I slow down, and when I get to the Jeep I realise I have no keys, and climb up to perch dispiritedly on the hood. Less than ten minutes later Emmett comes jogging through the parking lot, talking on his phone.

"Yeah, it's okay. She's here at the Jeep." Emmett pauses and nods. "Sure. Okay, see you tonight then." He drops his phone into his pocket and leans against the Jeep. "You want to go home?"

_Home. _I wish I knew where that was. "Yes please."

Emmett doesn't take me straight home though. Instead he pulls the Jeep in beside the diner and looks at me. "Carlisle said you didn't have any lunch."

"I'm not hungry."

"But I am." Emmett looks at me pleadingly. "You should eat. Esme gave me money to treat you, and she'll be mad if I don't do it. Please…you wouldn't make me get in trouble."

Oh, those dimples! I hesitate for a moment and then acquiesce. "Okay."

The diner is busy, and there are several people around our age sitting and eating. They call out enthusiastic greetings to Emmett and he replies to them, but I'm relieved when he heads past their table and slides into a booth down at the end. I can feel the curious stares on me but I just walk straighter and don't look around as I sit opposite him and pick up a menu.

"Hi Emmett, long time no see." The waitress is our age, and she smiles flirtatiously at Emmett as she gets out her pencil and order pad. "Do you know what you want?"

"Hey Cara. I'll have a burger and fries, thanks. And a chocolate milkshake. Rosalie, what do you want? The burgers are really good here."

The waitress narrows her eyes slightly. I can tell she's not happy to see me sitting here with Emmett, and she's already looked at my blonde hair and big boobs and made up her mind about me. I give her a cool smile. "I'll try the burger then. And a diet coke, thank you."

She sashays off to the servery and I raise my eyebrows at Emmett. "Girlfriend of yours?"

Emmett grins sheepishly. "Nah, just a girl from school." He fiddles with the salt cellar. "Are you okay then? After this morning I mean. I see they took your cast off."

"Yeah." I wiggle my fingers. "It feels weird actually. But I'm glad it's gone." I laugh. "I can't wait to do something to my hair besides brush it!"

"It looks good like that," Emmett says, and I notice the faintest pink flush on his cheeks.

"Thank you." I give him a small smile. It's funny how good I suddenly feel, sitting here surrounded by strangers who know nothing about me. I think how it must look to them…just a girl in jeans, sitting here and laughing with this good looking boy who clearly thinks I'm pretty. I smile at him. "So is this like, the hang out or something?"

Emmett chuckles. "It's Forks…there's not a lot of choices. But you can walk here from school and the burgers are good."

We make small talk until the food arrives, and then Emmett's too busy eating to talk for a little while. He's right that the burgers are good, and although I can't eat it all I make a good dent in it before I push it across to Emmett. "You can finish that if you want to…" Jasper always eats whatever I can't, and looking at the size of Emmett I'm guessing he must eat a similar amount.

"Thanks, I will." He accepts it unselfconsciously and I watch him as he devours it. I realise that I like watching him eat. I like the way he concentrates on what he's doing and enjoys his food.

"What?" he asks me as he swallows the last mouthful. He wipes his mouth with a napkin and looks down at himself. "You've been staring at me for five minutes…have I spilled something? Got something in my teeth?"

"No," I shake my head and fiddle with my napkin. "I was just wondering…can I ask you a question?"

"Sure."

"How come you're almost nineteen, and just about to start your last year of high school?" I feel a slight flush of embarrassment at being so nosy when so far I have barely given him the time of day, but Emmett doesn't seem too bothered.

"Oh, that. It's no big thing- you know I was seven when the Cullens adopted me, right? I didn't go to school before then, so I couldn't read or write or anything. I was really small too, so when they enrolled us in school they put Alice in kindergarten with Edward, and me in first grade. They thought I'd find it easier to fit in that way." He laughs. "Of course I was only little because I'd never had enough to eat and I grew about a foot in six months once they started feeding me, but you know…their intentions were good."

"How come they adopted you?" I ask hesitantly. The Cullens seem so privileged, and yet Emmett spoke so casually of not having enough to eat. "If you don't want to talk about it, that's fine," I add hastily.

Emmett shrugs. "I don't mind. It's not any kind of secret…it's the usual story. We lived out country in Tennessee, my momma was a part time hooker, part time junkie and my dad ran off sometimes after I was born. Alice was born when I was about three. When Momma was okay things were good, and when she wasn't I took care of Alice as best I could, and when things got bad we'd go and stay with my grandma. After Grandma died though we didn't have any place safe to go, and then momma's new man started dealing meth and momma was either high or hooking, so eventually the county got involved and took me and Alice away."

"That's not exactly a 'usual' story!" I say, a little shocked.

Emmett laughed. "No, maybe not," he conceded. "But it's my story…it's what I know. I find it harder to imagine being born with a silver spoon in my mouth like you and Jas and Edward were." He winks at me.

"How did you come to the Cullens, then?" I ask, since he seems open to talking about it.

"Esme worked at the food pantry in town," Emmett says reflectively. "My momma used it sometimes and Alice and I would go with her. Esme would always talk to us and give us something extra in the food boxes, or something else. She gave Alice a dress once, when she needed one. When things got really bad at home and Alice got hungry I went begging there by myself. I made up all kinds of crazy stories about why we were there without our momma, and Esme pretended to believe me and made us sandwiches." He ran a hand through his hair and shook his head. "Like I said, I didn't go to school and after my grandma died Alice and I pretty much never saw anyone except junkies getting their fix and momma's johns. Esme was like the only normal person I ever spoke to, and the only person who didn't treat me and Alice like we were scum just because of what Momma did."

"What happened?" I breathe. I've never heard a story like this- we don't have the money the Cullens have, but I've grown up in a world of solid upper middle class privilege. I know about booze and party drugs, not meth and prostitution.

"Esme contacted child services when I started showing up at the food pantry on my own too often. But no one came out to investigate until one day Alice got into something she shouldn't have from the kitchen," Emmett says matter-of-factly. "Keeping in mind they were cooking meth in there and no one ever did any cleaning it's a miracle neither of us had done it before. But Alice got bad sick. Momma was too out of it to do anything and I didn't know what to do…all I could think of in the end was going and asking Esme to help. Luckily she was working at the food pantry that day. She kept me with her and sent Carlisle with an ambulance and the police. That was pretty much it- we didn't go home after that. Esme and Carlisle had adopted Edward about a year and a half before that and had all their paperwork in with child services so it was pretty straightforward for them to be approved as foster parents for us. Momma could have got us back, but she didn't follow any of the conditions so the courts terminated her rights and Carlisle and Esme petitioned for adoption."

"That's horrible," I say softly.

Emmett smiles, and shrugs a little. "That's life, you know? Sometimes awful shit happens. And sometimes good things happen too…we came to Carlisle and Esme and Alice doesn't even remember anything about Tennessee. As far as she's concerned she's always been Alice Cullen and that's the way she wants it."

"She doesn't remember any of it?"

"No," Emmett shakes his head. "She knows what happened, but she was only four and whatever she took that made her so sick at the end messed her up for a little while. They think that probably even wiped out a bit of her memory. Like I said, she likes it that way. There wasn't anything good about Tennessee for her."

"But you remember?"

"Oh yeah. I was seven when I came to Carlisle and Esme, and it wasn't all bad before that. I loved my grandma, and when Momma wasn't too fucked up on drugs we had some fun." He looked at me steadily. "She wasn't a bad person. She just…made some bad choices, I guess."

"I'm sorry," I say awkwardly. I don't know if it's the right thing to say, but it's all I can think of. I _am_ sorry that he has had to go through all that in his past. My childhood wasn't perfect, not with my mother sick on and off from the time I was six until she died when Jasper and I were eleven, but Emmett has suffered in a whole different way.

"That's okay. It is what it is, you know? I can't change it now." Emmett swallows the last of his milkshake. "And it wasn't always easy, but my life is good now. I've been lucky."

That's what they all said to me when it happened. That I was _lucky._ Lucky that they didn't scar my face, lucky my skull fracture didn't require surgery, lucky that they found me and got to the hospital as quickly as they did, lucky that I didn't _die…_

I don't feel lucky.

I push the thought away and then focus on Emmett. "What happened to her?" I ask hesitantly. "Your mother. Do you know?"

"She died. Only a few months after the adoption was finalised. It was the drugs…it was always going to happen that way. She'd been using since she was a teenager, and my grandma once told me that the longest she'd ever been able to stay clean was about a year, when I was a baby. After that she managed a few months here and there, but she always went back to it." Emmett frowns, a little tiredly. "I don't think about her much. I think it's sad, that she wasn't strong enough to beat it. And I'm really glad that Alice and I got away from that and that Carlisle and Esme took us in. They're good people Rosalie…really, they are."

I nod slowly acknowledging his point. They've been more than good to take Jasper and I in like this, and I haven't exactly made it easy for them so far. Thinking deeply, I reach for my purse and begin counting out money.

"No, I've got it." Emmett pulls out his wallet. "Seriously, Esme gave me cash for this. Put yours away…save it for next time you take me out to lunch." He reaches across and covers my hand with his, and for a moment I am aware of nothing but the feel of his skin on mine.

I pull my hand away. "You think a lot of yourself, don't you?"

Emmett laughs and stands up, taking my hand again and pulling me with him. "I just tell it like I see it," he says teasingly. "Come on, we pay up front." He's still holding my hand, towing me along, as he walks up to the counter and passes the money over to the man there with a few laughing words. He drops the change in the tip jar and takes a handful of mints from the bowl then leads me outside, and somehow his hand, big and warm, keeps holding mine and this time I don't pull away.


	8. Chapter 8- Off-roading and Manicures

_Chapter 8- Off-Roading and Manicures._

"I can't believe you drive this monstrosity," I say to Emmett, as the Jeep speeds us towards home. "You don't consider it just a _little bit _attention seeking?" At least this time I was able to buckle myself in without his help.

Emmett laughs. "Have you ever done any off-road driving?"

"No," I say haughtily. "I drive on roads like civilised people do."

Emmett roars. "You don't know what you're missing! It's so much fun!" He eyes me speculatively for a moment, and then gives me a devilish grin that makes me narrow my eyes in suspicion.

"What?"

"Just going to take you a different way home," Emmett says breezily, and half a minute later he takes a sharp left and I scream as the Jeep bounces through what I'm sure is uncharted forest and Emmett whoops with glee.

"Emmett, you fucking maniac, _STOP!"_

Much to my surprise he does stop, easing off the accelerator and letting us coast to a stop. I take a deep breath and unclench my hands from where I've unconsciously clutched at the harness, wincing a little as I feel small jabs of pain in the hand that's only just come out of the cast.

"Are you really scared? Or are you just being hysterical?" Emmett says calmly.

I take another soothing breath and look through the windshield. I realise that Emmett hasn't just taken us blindly into the forest but that we are actually on a road…or at least, I think that's what the potholed, overgrown track the Jeep is sitting on is supposed to be.

"You didn't exactly give me any warning," I mutter stiffly.

"I can take us back to the road," Emmett says. "Just say the word and we'll go back- I won't make you go this way if you really don't want to. But if you're game I'll take you home this way and then you'll understand about the Jeep."

I hesitate. "You're seriously not trying to kill me?"

"I promise," Emmett says solemnly, his dimples deepening with his grin. "We'll just take some of the old logging tracks home. I'm a good driver and it's safe, honest."

"Okay then," I say with a resigned sigh. "I'll give it a try."

"You won't be sorry." Emmett shows me where to hold on if I want to and then leans across and tightens the harness. He's so close to me I can smell the mint on his breath and my skin breaks out in goose bumps just at the thought of his skin brushing against mine. I hope he doesn't notice. The last thing Emmett's monumental ego needs is for him to think I'm attracted to him!

"Ready then? Okay, let's have some fun."

And for all my hesitation, Emmett is right- it IS fun. I'm half giggling and half screaming as we bump and crash our way through the forest, and Emmett can't stop laughing. It's fast and wild and feels dangerous, and I'm almost sorry when the logging track ends and we're back on the proper road.

"So you liked it?" Emmett's eyes are sparkling as he looks at me. "You gonna admit my Jeep is beautiful?"

"Maybe," I concede, giving him a sideways look.

Emmett grins at me wickedly. "Admit she's beautiful and next time I'll let you drive!" He turns off onto the Cullens' driveway.

I laugh and throw up my hands. "Okay! I was wrong about your Jeep! And I really want to drive it!" I grimace and cradle my bad hand in my good one. I was so hyped up on adrenaline that I hadn't noticed how much I was using it to hold on, and now it's throbbing.

"You didn't hurt your arm, did you?" Emmett looks at me in concern. "Do you need to show Carlisle or something?"

"No!" I say sharply. Today, in the diner with Emmett and now driving home, is the first time since it happened that I've felt normal and I am loath to let that go. I don't want to hear that note of concern and pity from Emmett that I have heard from so many others- I am so tired of being treated like I am something fragile! "My arm is fine!" I try and lighten my voice. "So…when do I get to drive this beast?"

"Next time," Emmett says, in the sudden silence that rings out loudly when he shuts off the engine. "You can drive next time. There are lots of other really awesome places to drive that I can show you."

He's looking at me intently, and I think that there are probably a lot of other things beside off-roading that Emmett wants to show me, and my heart beats faster at the thought of it.

_What are you doing to me? How can I want you now?_ With fumbling fingers I tug at the harness, glad when it unbuckles and I can shove the door open. "Thanks for the ride," I say, sliding gracefully down from the Jeep. For a second, before I turn and hurry into the house, I raise my eyes and look at him. _I wish I could explain to you…I wish I understood myself._

The garage opens into the kitchen, where I find Alice earnestly painting Esme's nails while the two of them sit at the table. "Hey, you're back!" she says brightly.

"Rosalie, how did it go?" Esme asks. "I'm sorry I couldn't take you in myself, but I had to go in to work. It all went well?"

"Yes, thank you," I murmur. I'm still holding my arm, and a little self-consciously I let it drop.

Emmett comes whistling into the kitchen from the garage, heading straight to the fridge. He takes out a half full gallon jug of milk and starts chugging it down.

"Well that's wonderful!" Esme beams at me. She blows on her nails. "Thank you Alice."

"Want me to do yours?" Alice asks me eagerly.

"Maybe later." I see Alice's face fall and I feel a stab of guilt. She's trying so hard to be nice and be my friend…why am I being such a bitch? "I just want to have a shower," I say quickly. "I need to scrub this arm now that the cast is off, and wash my hair using two hands…after that?"

When her face brightens I know I've done the right thing. I hurry upstairs and into the bathroom where I take a beautiful long shower, washing and conditioning my hair with two hands, soaping and rubbing my arm until all the smell of sweat and pain and victimhood are gone. It's been a long time since I've felt so clean.

I dress in some of my new clothes and braid my hair, just because now I have two hands and I can, although by the time I tie the end of it my recently healed hand feels like it's being stabbed through with bolts of pain. But I look at myself in the mirror with satisfaction.

_That's me. I'm still Rosalie, and I'm still beautiful and even if I came here to run away, I'm going to make it work for me here._

"Rosalie?" It's Alice, knocking almost tentatively at the door. "Do you want me to do your nails now?"

"Sure." I follow her back down to the kitchen.

With a happy bounce, Alice directs me to sit at the table. "Your new shirt looks so good!" she says, flipping open the small suitcase that was sitting there and waving to the contents with a flourish. "What colour do you want?"

I cannot believe the army of nail polish bottles she has collected in there. I haven't seen so many different types and colours together outside of a department store. "I have no idea," I say. "That's…completely overwhelming." I look down at my ragged nails with a bit of embarrassment. "My nails are a mess."

"Well, Alice to the rescue," she says cheerfully. "I love doing manicures!" Her hands are gentle as she takes mine. "They're not too bad anyway, they'll shape up nicely."

She hums as she works, and I find myself relaxing. My friends and I used to go and get manicures and pedicures all the time. "Thanks for this," I say quietly. I look at the nails she has filed and smoothed into shape. "I haven't touched them since…for weeks. I ripped a couple of them right down, and then with my broken hand I couldn't really do anything."

"Well, they look fine now," Alice says, moving on to the second hand. It's the one I broke, and she's extra gentle as she turns my fingers and runs the file along them.

I bite my lip for a moment. "What have you told your friends about me being here?" I ask quietly.

"Nothing very much," Alice answers. "Can I do some nail art on you?" When I nod she begins painting my nails with a black, shimmery polish with the faintest trace of glitter in it. It looks like the night sky. "I think with most of them I just said you and Jasper were coming for your senior year. I told Bella you'd been hurt, but actually Mom and Dad didn't really tell us a lot about that anyway." She looks at me solemnly, but with a spark of mischief in her eyes. "I had to promise that I wouldn't ask you about it. I can tend to be a little…curious?"

I can't help laughing. Curious…I can already tell Alice is the kind of person who prides herself on knowing everything about everyone. "Please don't tell anyone else at school," I say softly. "I don't like people knowing. It makes them treat me differently…they ask too many questions and look at me like they're waiting for me to break down at any minute. I hate it."

"I haven't been doing that, have I?" Alice asks anxiously. "I know I'm not the most tactful person in the world and I have to admit I _do_ want to know, even though that's probably horrible of me!"

I shake my head. "No, it's been pretty good here. You and your family…it's good."

Alice is carefully painting a tiny planet in the centre of each of my galaxy painted nails. "I'm glad you came. I always wanted a sister, and I think it's going to be so much fun to have you here. Jasper too."

I notice a slight pinking of her cheeks as she mentions my brother's name, and I wonder what's going on there. Jasper's not bad looking and he's never had any trouble attracting female attention when he wants it…it looks like Alice might be adding her name to the list.

The door to the garage opens and Carlisle comes in, frowning. "Rosalie," he says to me, "Did Emmett drive you home through the forest?"

"Yes?" I say uncertainly. He doesn't look happy.

"Emmett!" Carlisle bellows, and then comes over and tilts my face so he can peer into my eyes. "Are you okay? That was…Emmett!" He turns around as Emmett comes up the steps from the basement and glares at him. "You went off-roading? How could you be so irresponsible?"

"What?" Emmett looks at me, baffled. "Just on the logging tracks back home…Rosalie…"

"Has a fractured skull!" Carlisle finishes furiously. "Do you have any idea what you could have done?"

"I didn't know!" Emmett yells back, flinging a glare at me. "No one told me!"

Carlisle looks at me sternly. "Rosalie, I told you it was okay to resume normal activity, but within reason! Off-roading with Emmett hardly comes under that heading…" He shakes his head. "Nothing happened in the Jeep? I know how Emmett can drive..." He looks into my eyes again and, knowing what he wants I open them wide so he can see my pupils are reactive to light and then track his finger.

"Hey!" Emmett sounds offended. He scowled at me. "You should have said something."

I jerk my chin out of Carlisle's hand. "I'm fine. It was my fault- I could have said something but I just didn't think. I'm sorry, okay?"

"Okay," Carlisle holds up a placating hand and smiles peacefully. "I probably overreacted, but we're supposed to be looking after you. You just need to take it easy Rosalie…ease yourself back into things. And in case I wasn't clear enough, that means no off-roading, no cheerleading, no gymnastics, no contact sports in gym…nothing where you risk impact on your skull. Not for another month or two. Understand?"

"Yes," I muttered sulkily.

"Good." Carlisle ruffles Alice's hair. "How are you, pumpkin? Where's your mom?"

"I'm good, and Mom's in the laundry," Alice says, and with another smile Carlisle heads downstairs.

Emmett leans against the counter and frowns at me. "You should have told me you had a fractured skull," he muttered. "I'm not an idiot, I wouldn't have taken you out if…"

I roll my eyes. "Fractured skull, fractured cheekbone, fractured metacarpal, breaks in the ulna and three of the phalanges, two cracked ribs, ruptured spleen and other internal bleeding," I spit at him. "There. Now you know everything…happy now?"

Emmett blanches, and I wish I could take it back. This is exactly what I was just talking to Alice about, and it's not Emmett's fault. I've let my temper get the better of me again, and now the memory of the wild ride through the forest and all that laughter is spoiled.

Besides, that list of injuries that I just hurled at him? It's not everything.

Alice's eyes are huge as she carefully swipes a clear coat of polish on each nail. "Well, I did say I wanted to know…" she murmurs comically, and suddenly I slump back in the chair and sigh.

"I'm sorry," I say to Emmett, and I do mean it. "I didn't think, that's all. Everything is pretty much healed, I'm just supposed to be careful for a little bit longer." I look down at my nails. "I thought this afternoon was really fun."

Emmett lifts up his hands. "It's okay. Carlisle will get over it when he realises I haven't given you brain damage or something. Unless…?."

"No!" I glare at him as he flashes his dimples and laughs, leaving the room as I fight to hide my own grin. Jackass.

Alice shakes her head and screws the lid back on to the nail polish. "Emmett is impossible sometimes….do you like your manicure?"

The nail art is beautiful, a whole solar system across my hands, and I'm genuinely impressed. "It's brilliant."

"Thanks." Alice starts packing away her many implements. "Anytime. And Rosalie…"

"Yes?"

"I'm sorry that you were hurt," she says in a rush. "That sounds really painful and horrible, and I know I'm not supposed to talk about it so I won't…but I just wanted to say that I had no idea it was that awful. And you don't have to worry about anyone at school knowing anything, none of us will say anything and I'll tell Bella to keep quiet too. It will be okay." Without waiting for a response she picks up her nail polish suitcase and flits from the room, leaving me alone.


	9. Chapter 9- What Happens at Night

_Chapter 9- What Happens at Night._

That night the nightmares come back with a vengeance. I don't know if it was the medical check-up with Carlisle that has brought it all back, or that I'm starting to let my guard down here, but the dreams come back with all their horror and fear and I wake up screaming.

"Rosalie! Wake up…Rosalie!" It's Jasper, crouching at the side of my bed so his head is on a level with mine, his voice tight with concern. "Hush…it's fine, just wake up!"

The quilt has tangled itself around me and I fight to free myself, panicking at the sensation of restraint. I'm sobbing, on the borderline of a total panic attack, and then I see beyond Jasper to the dark figures clustered in the doorway, _watching me…_

"Jas, Jas…oh god, stop it stop it stop it stop…." My sobs rise to another scream as I kick futilely at the quilt that now seems like it's threatening to strangle me until Jasper grabs it and yanks it out from where it's caught.

"Rosalie, breathe…oh hell…it's fine Rosalie, just breathe…" Jasper tosses the quilt to the side and switches on the lamp beside the bed. "Look at me, I'm here, you're fine…"

I can't breathe. The terror has taken over and my heart is racing. It feels like iron bands are wrapping themselves around my chest, constricting my lungs, and even when I see that it's only Emmett and Edward and Alice in the doorway, awoken by my screaming, it makes no difference. The bile is rising and I think I'm going to choke on my own vomit. Jasper is talking to me, trying to calm me down but nothing is working.

"I'll get dad." It's Alice, sounding scared, and I shake my head as I hear her footsteps pattering down the hallway to the stairs.

_No, please no, I don't need him. I just need to _breathe, _oh I can't do this… _ I don't want Carlisle, I just want them all to _go away_, but oh god I can't breathe and it's all fading…

"That's it Rosalie, just breathe…you're doing fine."

I hear Carlisle through the darkness and feel someone touching my forehead with cool hands. I keep my eyes shut, all my focus on trying to force air through my constricted lungs.

"Good girl Rosalie, you're going to be fine. It's just a panic attack. I know it's scary, but you're not in any danger. Just breathe, and try and relax…Jasper, do you know if she has any meds for this?"

"No, she doesn't." I hear Jasper and I move my hand blindly in his direction, feeling my breath coming a little easier as he grasps my hand. "She hasn't been this bad in a while," he adds softly.

I'm breathing again, and my heart doesn't feel like it's going to jump right out of my chest, but I can't stop the tears that are running down my cheeks from under my closed eyes. I hate this so much! I hate feeling out of control, I hate feeling so afraid…_I hate that they've all seen me like this. _"Go away," I whisper hopelessly. "Leave me alone."

Someone wipes the tears from my face, but I still don't open my eyes.

"Back to bed you three," Carlisle says quietly. "Rosalie's fine- it was just a nightmare."

I hear murmuring voices as Edward, Emmett and Alice move away from the doorway, and when I know they're gone I force myself to sit up. Between the adrenaline and the hyperventilating I can't stop shaking, and as the cool night air hits my sweat drenched skin I start shivering.

"Are you feeling better now?" Carlisle asks.

Esme is sitting on the edge of the bed beside Carlisle. She's holding a handkerchief, and I realise that she was the one wiping my tears and stroking my forehead. She reaches down and picks the quilt up from where it has slithered to the floor, laying it gently over me. "Don't get cold."

"I'm okay," I mumble. "I'm sorry." I'm mortified that I've disturbed everyone's sleep like this. For a brief moment I lean into Jasper and let him hold me, absorbing some of his inner strength since all my own seems to be gone. He squeezes my hand and pulls the quilt tighter around me.

"Don't worry about it sweetheart." Esme strokes my hair. "We just want to make sure you're okay."

"I'm fine now," I force myself to sit up straighter and brush my hair away from my face as I struggle to take in some deep, even breaths. "It was just a nightmare, that's all, and then I woke up and panicked." It sounds so simple…how can it cause such terror?

It takes a little convincing, and Carlisle insists on taking my pulse to make sure it's slowing down and I'm not about to stroke out, but Esme and Carlisle finally leave and then it's just Jasper. He sits on the bed with his legs crossed, and looks at me steadily.

"I'm okay now," I say softly. "Thank you for coming in."

"You really going to be okay?" he asks.

I shrug bleakly. What's okay now, for me? "Yes."

"Do you want me to stay? I don't mind."

"No, you go back to bed. I'm okay now, really." I do my best to smile at him, and eventually Jasper heads back to bed.

"I'm just down the hall," he tells me, hesitating in the doorway. "If you need me…"

Once he's gone I strip off my pyjamas, which are damp and clammy with sweat, and pull on a pair of yoga pants and the NYU sweatshirt I stole from Jasper two months ago. It's big and baggy and the soft, worn cotton feels safe and familiar. I know I won't sleep anytime soon so I grab my quilt and slip silently downstairs, curling up in an armchair and flipping on the giant plasma tv. It's not until the first light of dawn begins brightening the sky outside that I relax enough to doze off.

The familiar music and deep tones of Alex Trebek break into my awareness and I wake up. It's later in the morning, I can hear noises from people in the kitchen making breakfast, and Emmett is sprawled out on the sofa watching Jeopardy.

"What is…a Mustang," Emmett calls at the tv.

I glance at the clue on the tv. "What is a Corvette," I correct.

Emmett glances over at me, his eyebrows raised. "You think you're right about…oh! Well, there you go." He grins at me sheepishly.

I grin at him smugly. "I know my cars."

Emmett laughs. "I don't. I suck at Jeopardy."

He's telling the truth- he does suck at Jeopardy. Or at least he knows nothing about classic cars or modern literature, which are the Jeopardy categories we've got left. He doesn't mind looking the fool though, and makes wild guesses which make me laugh, even as I show off and answer correctly.

Emmett keeps looking at me, and I'm uncomfortably aware that I'm wearing my sloppiest clothes and have matted hair from sleeping in an armchair. I surreptitiously wipe my eyes to make sure there's no gross crusty things glued to my face and tuck the quilt in. I don't know why I care what he thinks of me…he's wearing sweatpants with holes in the knees and a t-shirt that says '_Meat is Murder…delicious, delicious, murder'_ across the front. Back in Rochester I wouldn't have even _looked_ at him.

Emmett wriggles his feet at me, and I notice that he's also wearing bright pink and green striped socks. "Like my new socks? Alice gave them to me for my birthday."

I laugh. "Oh yeah it's a really stylish look…it's going to look great with your wrestling spandex."

Emmett clutches his heart in mock pain. "You hurt me, you really do! And you'll eat your words when you see me looking fine in my singlet." He bursts out laughing, and I giggle too.

"Happy birthday, anyway," I say. "Nineteen…quite the man of the world. And wearing the socks to prove it."

"Well, that's what I get for gifting soap," Emmett sighs. "I should have known Alice wouldn't forget about that. But thank you for my birthday wishes. And now look, it's the sports category on Jeopardy…I'm going to kick your butt here."

The two of us play along with Jeopardy, and I'm actually feeling good when Jasper comes in. He's talking on the phone, and he passes it across to me with a grimace. "It's dad."

I make a horrible face at Jasper, and unwillingly take the phone. This isn't going to make my day any better. "Hi Dad."

"Hi Rosalie." I can tell by the echo that he's got me on speaker phone and I guess he's at the office. "How are you?"

"I'm fine."

"Taking care of yourself? Dr Cullen's taken a look at you?"

"Yes," I mutter, rolling my eyes at Jasper. "The cast is off, I'm _fine._"

"Good, good, that's good…" Dad is hardly paying attention. I can hear his secretary talking in the background.

"Dad," I say, "I really want the car out here…can you get it here?"

"What's that?"

"Mom's car," I say, fighting for patience. "I want it. Alice says she knows someone who can do it up for me. Can you get it out here?"

"Don't you want something new?" Dad asks vaguely. "I could put a call in to a dealership over there…"

"No, I want the Camaro. If you can get it sent here, I can organise getting it fixed up. Dad…this is important to me. Dad? DAD?"

"What? Oh, sorry Rose, things are crazy here right now…the Camaro, right. It's still in the garage at home."

"I know!" I have to force myself not to shout. "I want you to get it shipped out here to me, here in Forks, at the Cullens' house! You know, where I'm living right now?"

The man runs an international finance house…how can he not follow a simple conversation?

"Calm down Rosalie. There's no need for rudeness."

I want to hit something. "Dad. I'm trying to…can you please ship the Camaro over here to me? Please? I really want a car here."

"Right. The convertible…I've written a note and I'll look in to sorting that out for you."

"Thank you!" I suck some air in through my gritted teeth. "Well, good to talk to you. I'll be going."

"Yes, I'm pretty swamped with work at the moment. But oh, Rosalie!" Dad suddenly sounds more alert than he has. "I've been talking to a lawyer about a pursuing a civil case. You'd be entitled to a lot of compensation…"

"No!" I can feel the iron bands of panic tightening around my chest. "No! What are you talking about? I never said I wanted to do that!"

"Oh Rosalie," Dad says impatiently. "Of course you want to! You know what that asshole is worth, and a few years in prison isn't going to mean anything when he comes out to that trust fund!"

"No, I don't want to!" I stand up in agitation and start pacing across the floor. "Dad, please!"

"It's not a point for discussion, Rose," Dad snaps. "You're a minor and I'll file on your behalf. I know you're still feeling a bit sensitive, but you'll see that it's the right thing to do. I'm doing it for _you_. You deserve to get something out of this mess. Now look, I've got say goodbye now, I'll see about getting the car sent."

Furious, I hang up the call and slam the phone down onto the table. Jasper winces at the noise and snatches it back, checking to see if it's broken.

"Rosalie," he sighs. "You can't let him get to you like that. It's not worth it."

"Did you know?" I demand, my voice shaking. "Did you know that he's filing a _civil suit_ on my behalf? He thinks that's going to make it _better!_"

Jasper's jaw clenches. "I didn't know. Can he really do that?"

"Apparently." I realise I've tangled my hands in my hair and I'm pulling on it hard enough to bring tears to my eyes. I let my hands drop as I look up at Jasper helplessly. "He's going to do it whether I want him to or not. He's after the fucking trust fund…" My voice trails away, as the thought of going to court invades my mind and I slump back into the armchair. I can't do this, there is no way…he can't be allowed to do this.

"Did he say _why_?" Jasper asks. "I mean, going to court…"

"He thinks I _deserve to get something out of this mess._" My voice drips with sarcasm. "Because of course, since my life has been ruined, money is going to make it all better…"

"I'll talk to him," Jasper says tiredly. "I'll try and explain."

"You may as well not bother," I mutter. "When has he ever listened to a thing I've had to say?" I stare at the tv, realising that Emmett is still sprawled out on the sofa and just heard all of that. _Welcome to my fucked up family relationships, Emmett, _I think sourly.

Emmett taps his knuckles against his teeth for a moment, and then says thoughtfully, "You have a Camaro?"

_He's not going to ask, not about any of the bad things that he just overheard…is he really just going to take me as I am?_ For a moment I just stare at him, and then a smile curves across my face. "1969 classic convertible," I say with a grin.

"Well," Emmett says with a sigh. "No wonder you know your classic cars then…sounds like that Jeopardy category was made for you."


	10. Chapter 10- Emmett's birthday

_Chapter 10- Emmett's Birthday._

Esme cooks another big roast dinner for Emmett's birthday. When I join everyone in the dining room I'm amused to see that he's been given the seat at the head of the table and has a paper crown sitting lopsidedly on his dark curly hair.

"Family tradition," he says to me with a slightly embarrassed smile. "Esme thinks you should feel special on your birthday."

"Well, so you should," Esme says cheerfully, bringing in another bowl of vegetables. "Another year older, another year wiser…"

"Another year in which you haven't incited anyone to murder you," Edward contributes helpfully, and Emmett laughs and throws a bean at him.

Edward grins, and eats the bean that has landed perfectly centred on his plate. "Happy birthday big brother," he says to Emmett, passing across a neatly wrapped package which Emmett tears open to reveal a shoe box containing a pair of enormous sneakers.

"They can go with Alice's socks," Edward teases, and Emmett and Alice both laugh.

"Thanks bro," Emmett says affectionately. "These are great."

"Not as good as my socks, of course!" Alice says with a pout, but then she grins and hands Emmett another wrapped package. "As if I'm not going to buy you something good! Just because you can't give good gifts doesn't mean I'm going to sink to giving you socks and soap."

Emmett reaches across the table and affectionately rumples Alice's hair. "Thanks Ali," he says, before he even unwraps his gift. It's a t-shirt, with what I guess is a band logo on the front although I don't recognise it, but that Emmett obviously loves.

"From me and Rosalie," Jasper says then, surprising me, and hands over an envelope. Emmett withdraws an itunes gift card as Jasper shrugs. "It's not that exciting…"

"No dude, this is great. Thanks…both of you." He grins at Jasper and then me, and I smile back faintly as Jasper mouths "You owe me money" across the table.

Esme and Carlisle give Emmett the new ipod we bought shopping in Port Angeles, as well as some new seat covers for his Jeep, and then everyone dives into the food. I'm so happy to be able to cut up things with a knife and fork again that I cut up everything, even though it takes me twice as long to eat my dinner.

We have cake for dessert, complete with nineteen candles that Emmett manages to blow out in one breath. As we eat the cake Esme starts getting nostalgic.

"Just look at you now Emmett," she sighs fondly. "Who would have thought when we bought that scrawny little ragamuffin home that you'd grow up so big and handsome?"

Carlisle laughs and says reminiscently. "Remember when he was the same size as Edward? I don't think I've ever seen any child eat the way you could though, Emmett."

Emmett is half laughing and half embarrassed. "Oh, come on guys!" He's got to be about six and a half feet tall now, half a foot taller than Edward and twice as broad. It's hard to imagine they were every the same size, especially considering that Edward's two years younger.

Emmett runs a hand through his hair, dislodging his crown, and says, "Stop, please! Do you have to do this every birthday? We get it…I was a short little gnome, and now I'm a god."

He flexes, and I can't help joining Esme and Carlisle in their laughter. Emmett is so full of himself, and yet it falls just on the right side of being overly obnoxious. His eyes are creased in amusement and his cheeks are dimpling as he looks at me and smiles.

"We like to acknowledge how far you've come," Carlisle says gently. "You had a challenging start in life Emmett, and you've done very well to become the person you are now."

"We've been so lucky," Esme adds softly. "I feel so blessed that you and Alice and Edward all came to us, and we've been able to be a family all these years."

For a moment Emmett ducks his face, and I just stare at them with a lump in my throat. When was the last time my dad said anything like that to me? We haven't celebrated a birthday with a family dinner since my mother died. Yeah, he'd given me his credit card for a spectacular sweet sixteen party, but he hadn't even been there until after we'd already cut the cake. Last birthday, when Jasper and I turned seventeen, Dad had been away on business so we'd eaten takeout pizza and watched tv and dad hadn't even bothered to call.

Alice smiles and lifts her glass, which is half full of water. "To Emmett! Happy birthday!"

"Happy birthday, Emmett!" Everyone else lifts their glasses, even Jasper and I, although I notice with a grin that Carlisle and Esme have wine, Jasper has soda, Edward and I have apple juice and Emmett has milk.

"And to Melody," Esme adds, a little more softly. "Who gave the world Emmett."

Alice's smile falters and she quietly places her glass on the table, but Edward and Jasper both raise theirs again and murmur, "To Melody."

For a moment Emmett's lips twist, but then he lifts his glass with a soft smile and says quickly, "Momma," and gulps down his milk.

Jasper offers to clear the table and Alice jumps up to help him. I stay at the table as they clear around me, still picking at my cake which is delicious. Emmett stays seated at the head of the table, fiddling with his new ipod, as Esme and Carlisle and Edward all drift away to the kitchen or living room. He looks up as I push my plate away with a sigh.

"You're not going to finish that?"

I lick the frosting off my fingers. "I can't…it was delicious but I can't eat any more."

Emmett takes the chunk that's left and stuffs it into his mouth. "Esme does make good cake," he says a minute later, swallowing.

"Is Melody your mom?" I ask, a little hesitantly.

"Yes." Emmett wipes his mouth with a napkin. "Esme likes to acknowledge her on birthdays. She thinks it's important to remember where I came from." He looks at me. "Do you think that's weird?"

"Everything about your family is weird!" I say in heart felt tones, and then laugh at the look of surprise on Emmett's face. "Good weird though," I add hastily. "You're all just so genuinely _nice_ to each other, and so involved in each other's lives. It's…nice," I finish lamely. "I haven't known a family like this before."

Emmett smiles slowly, and then says tentatively. "You want me to show you something?"

"Okay."

With his birthday presents in hand, Emmett leads me upstairs and into his room. I hesitate briefly on the threshold but follow him in, perching gingerly on the end of his bed since it's the only surface clear enough to sit on. His place looks like a disaster zone.

"I can't understand why you've not been featured in Beautiful Bedrooms magazine yet," I can't resist saying, "Really stunning decorative motif you've got going here…what is it, hobo chic? Dump site delight? They don't know what they're missing."

Emmett chuckles. "You just don't understand my vision." He crouches down so he can reach into the bottom drawer of his nightstand. Remembering what I accidently stumbled upon in Jasper's nightstand once I'm not sure at first I want to look, but my natural curiosity overcomes me and I peer over Emmett's shoulder.

The drawer contains only an innocent, if slightly baffling, collection of objects. A red knitted sweater, a Spiderman toothbrush, a small wooden train engine, some folded up notes, a broken watch…I see all these before Emmett finds what he's looking for and slams the drawer shut.

Sitting beside me on the bed, he shows me what he's holding. It's a double photo frame, made of cheap white plastic with tarnished metal hinges holding it together, but I can see the care he takes with it and I'm gentle when he passes it over to me. For a moment his face looks uncertain, and for the first time I see that Emmett, cheerful, confident Emmett, can be vulnerable. "That's me. And that's me and my momma," he said quietly.

I would have known the toddler in the photograph was Emmett even if he hadn't said so. The background has snowflakes and a large, glittery Christmas tree- the kind of generic seasonal background that mall photo places always use – but the curly headed baby with the enormous dimpled grin who's holding an oversized candy cane like a weapon could only be Emmett. In the other picture he's sitting on the lap of a curly haired, dimpled girl with delicate features, and both of them are laughing.

"She looks like Alice," I say. I look back at the picture. She doesn't look old enough to be the mother of the chunky baby on her lap, but the way her arms are curved around the little body and her cheek is pressed against his curly hair makes my heart ache.

"She did," Emmett said softly. He takes the pictures back from me, but doesn't put them away. "These are the only pictures I have- it sat on top of the tv at my grandma's house for years, and then after she died I kept it. The social worker found it at the house and gave it to me after I came to live with Carlisle and Esme. Esme would put it out somewhere, she's very into respecting Melody as our 'first mother' but Alice doesn't really like to see it."

"She looks so young," I can't help saying.

"She was nineteen when she had me, but she looks a lot younger I think," Emmett said reflectively. "Crazy to think I'm nineteen now…god, imagine a baby."

"Yeah, imagine that," I say, so softly I don't even know if he hears me. "You were a pretty adorable baby," I add, trying to lighten the mood.

Emmett snorts, but I can tell he's pleased. "I was as fat as the Michelin man," he says. "Look at those rolls of chub on my arms!"

"Yeah, but that's cute in a baby!" I say with a laugh.

Emmett smiles at me, and I can tell that he's shared something special to him by showing me his photos. I look away, wondering a little hopelessly if I'm ever going to be able to open up to people as easily as he seems to.

"What else have you got in there?" I ask, as Emmett slides the photo frame back under the sweater in his drawer.

"Secrets," he says with a laugh, but I notice he's quick to close it. He looks at me speculatively. "Maybe I'll tell you about them…one day."

I nod. If anyone knows the value of privacy it's me. I absent-mindedly pick up the book sitting on the top of Emmett's nightstand and read the back cover. It's an epic fantasy novel that's got over a thousand pages, and there's a leather bookmark stuck between the pages about three quarters of the way through.

"Any good?" I ask, suddenly self-conscious as I realise he's watching me, sitting back on his heels on the floor beside my feet.

"If you like that kind of thing," he answers, standing up and stretching. He leans backwards against his desk, picking up a baseball from the rubble that covers it and tossing it lightly hand to hand. "Do you?"

I replace the book on the nightstand and shrug. "Jasper does. My mom used to read them, she had a big collection."

"She's not around anymore, is she?" Emmett asked. "She died a few years ago?"

"When we were eleven," I say slowly. "She had ovarian cancer."

Emmett looks at me steadily. "I'm sorry…that would have been rough."

I look out the window at the deepening twilight. "It was. She was diagnosed when Jas and I were six, so she made it five years…that's pretty good for that kind of cancer really, but it was hard for her. There were a lot of recurrences and treatments during those five years." I remember how it felt to ride that rollercoaster of sickness and health with my mother, never knowing when the whole thing would derail. I wonder why I'm telling Emmett all this.

"Maybe that's why I just can't understand how your family can be this way," I go on. "For so long everything revolved around my mom's health, and then after she died…well, work was always my dad's priority. So for the past six years it's pretty much just been me and Jasper." I laugh, a little shakily. "There are no paper crowns and toasts on our birthday, you know?"

"Family is really important to Carlisle and Esme," Emmett says. "They've always been really involved, and they make us be involved too. It drives you crazy sometimes," he chuckles. "They're really big on all of us 'supporting' each other's crap, so they make us go along and watch Edward's running and Alice cheering at games and my baseball and wrestling… it's kind of embarrassing sometimes. But they worked hard to make this family, adopting Edward after his mother died and then going through all the crap involved in fostering and adopting me and Alice, so it means a lot to them. We go along with it." He shrugs. "And in the end it's good to have a family that you know is behind you, no matter what."

"At least I have Jasper," I say quietly. There aren't enough words in the world to say how much Jasper has done for me when I've needed him.

"He's a good guy," Emmett says. "And I guess you've got us now…if you want us."

"Yeah," I say slowly. "I guess I do."


	11. Chapter 11- Ready to Try Normal

_Chapter 11- Ready To Try Normal._

After a restless night I wake early the day we're due to start school. It's barely even dawn, but I know I'll never go to sleep again and so after I moment I slip out of bed and find some workout gear and pad silently downstairs.

It's been so long. I take my time over the warm up, stretching carefully, almost tentative over some of the movements. I'm horrified by the amount of strength and muscle I've lost. Once I've warmed up I plug my new iphone into the speaker dock and start my dance playlist and then move to the centre of the floor and let myself go. I'm clumsier than I'm used to being, my muscles feel more stretched and as the songs move from one to the next my muscles shake with the effort of doing what I'm asking of them after such a long time of inactivity. But I'm moving freely, no sharp stabbing pains in my broken bones and stitched together skin, and as the sweat drips and I catch glimpses of myself moving in the mirror, I'm feeling more alive and more myself than I have in weeks.

I stop when there are footsteps on the stairs and Edward comes down. I feel suddenly awkward in my shorts and sports bra, my sweaty hair falling out of the ponytail and sticking to my face and neck. I always used to work out in bras, but I realise now that with my belly bare you can see my surgical scars and I wish I'd thought to put on a t-shirt.

"Don't mind me," Edward says calmly, sitting on the bottom step and lacing up his sneakers. "I'm just using the treadmill."

"I'm finished anyway," I say. I know I should do a good warm down, I'll regret it tomorrow if I don't, but it feels too awkward to be down here half dressed with Edward.

"Well don't leave on my account," Edward says, straddling the treadmill and plugging in his headphone. "I'm just going to run for a bit." He presses some buttons and the treadmill whirs into life, and then Edward starts a slow, even jog.

I take my phone and head upstairs. I hope I can get to my room without seeing anyone, but Carlisle and Esme are already in the kitchen, drinking coffee and laughing together over something in the newspaper.

"Good morning Rosalie," Esme says. "We should have guessed it was you down there! We heard the music and thought it was Alice, but it would take an earthquake to get her out of bed this early."

"Workout went okay?" Carlisle asks lightly. The question sounds casual, but I know he's asking as a doctor, not just as a parental figure. "No concerns?"

"Just how out of shape I am," I say honestly. "I'm so unfit, and I've lost so much muscle tone." My arms are folded over my belly and I keep backing away towards the door.

"It'll come back," Carlisle says confidently. "You were fit and strong before- probably why you healed so well – and you will be again. Just take it easy and don't push yourself too hard. Let me know if you have any worries."

"I will," I say, and then I reach the door to the living room and turn and hurry upstairs. I want to have a shower and I'm relieved that Alice is still sleeping and I can go right in.

The warm water feels good on my muscles, washing away the sweat, and despite the looming spectre of my new school I feel pretty good. I dress carefully in some of my new clothes and brush my hair, adding a bit of makeup in an effort to cover up the bruise-like shadows that chronic sleeplessness has left under my eyes.

Jasper is stretched out across my bed when I come out of the bathroom. "Hey Rose. Ready for school?"

I smile at him, and search through the jewellery that's scattered across the top of the chest of drawers. I decide on my silver hoop earrings and the heavy moonstone pendant and then turn around and strike a pose. "Do I look ready?"

Jasper laughs. "You look great." He stands up, and I notice he's more dressed up than I would have expected, wearing a pair of dark trousers and a cotton button down shirt.

"You look good too," I say, a little surprised. Jasper's good looking, but he has always been more of a jeans and t-shirt sort of guy. "Are you looking to impress someone?"

Jasper coughs in embarrassment. "No. Alice got into my wardrobe yesterday. She thought I should wear this today…what do you think?" He looks at me a little anxiously.

I step closer to him and straighten his collar. "I like it a lot actually…you look very sharp."

Jasper grins at me, relieved. "Thanks." He hesitates, looking down at me. "You'll be okay at school today?"

My smile fades, and I needlessly straighten his collar again as I think. "Yeah," I say eventually. "I _will_ be okay at school. I'm ready to try normal again Jas. No one here in Forks knows what happened, and I want it that way. I can pretend that this whole summer never happened."

Jasper looks troubled. "But it _did_ happen Rose," he says gently. "That doesn't mean you have to tell everyone you meet, but it worries me that you haven't even talked about it at all. You're not in touch with any of your old friends, and you're not talking to me about any of it either, and now you're refusing to go and see anyone that Carlisle could set you up with…"

"Oh, shut up Jasper," I say impatiently. "I _know_ it happened, I know _exactly_ how it's fucked me up…but I don't _want_ to talk about it. I don't want to think about it. I just want to move on, and that's what I'm going to do now that I'm starting school here." I turn away from him and flounce into the closet, looking for the leather bag I picked up on our shopping trip to use as a school bag.

Jasper is still standing by my bed, arms folded over his chest. "Okay!" he says quickly, before I can open my mouth. "I'll shut up about it…for now."

I smirk at him. "Thank you, brother dear."

"Let's go down to breakfast," Jasper says with a sigh, but as I brush past him he looks down at me and there's so much love and pain in his eyes that I have to look away. "I love you Rosie," he mutters, and the fact that he uses the baby name that no one ever calls me anymore makes my breath catch. "I hate what they did to you and I hate that I can't do anything to make this easier. I wish…"

"Don't." I hold my shaking hand up to his mouth, cutting off his words. "Don't waste time wishing Jasper." I take a deep breath. "It is what it is, and I'll survive. Now come on, we've got a new school to take on."

Edward drives us to school in the Volvo. My muscle car loving heart writhes with mortification about being driven in a Volvo, but I just send off a quick text message to remind Dad about the Camaro and keep my mouth shut. In the absence of having my own car, a Volvo driven by Edward is still a more appealing prospect than hiking miles through the forest to school.

Forks High School, home of the Spartans, is a lot smaller than my old school in Rochester. There are no metal detectors and security guards here. As I follow the three Cullens up the stairs from the parking lot towards the main building, I am acutely conscious of the many pairs of eyes that follow our progress and the whispers that start up as I pass. I make sure the sleeve of my new t-shirt is pulled down over the wrist on the arm I broke, which looks thin and withered in comparison to the other, and straighten my back.

"Everyone _will_ stare today," Alice says to me with a giggle. "You might have guessed that not a lot happens in Forks, and even less happens at Forks High…you're going to be something of a novelty showing up for senior year." She doesn't add '_especially looking the way you do' _but as her eyes glance across me from my toes in my new leather boots to the top of my blonde head the words hang unsaid in the air.

Although Jasper and I made the decision to come here less than two weeks ago the school is organised with their paperwork, and we're given schedules, a pile of textbooks and locker assignments in the front office with plenty of time to find our way before the first bell.

Alice was waiting to show us where to go, but she has been enveloped in a crowd of girls all talking and laughing and showing each other things on their phones. Before she can extract herself a hand touches my arm and a masculine voice says, "You're new? Do you want me to help you find your locker?"

I turn sharply and for a moment my heart thumps anxiously. The boy is tall and has the build of a football player and must wear a particular cologne I'm intimately familiar with because he smells like… _Don't. Don't go there, not now._

"I'm Neil," he says, a little awkward in the face of my frozen response. "I just thought you might like someone to show you where to go…"

"Sure," I say, forcing myself to sound casual. I don't know where my locker is, and this pile of books is heavy. "I'm Rosalie, and this is my brother Jasper."

Jasper nods and Neil nods back, both of them checking each other out the way boys do. "My locker is number 217," I say prompting Neil to action.

"That's this way," he says, leading off down the hall. I'm slightly amused at the way he basically ignores Jasper, who just gives me a long suffering look and goes with it. "You must be new in town…I haven't seen you around. Did you just move to Forks?"

"We're living with the Cullens," I say. "Do you know them?"

"Oh sure…everyone knows everyone here!" Neil laughs. "I play baseball with Emmett in spring, and Alice is on the cheerleading squad. I play football," he says, with the kind of forced casualness that lets me know he really wanted me to know that, adding, "Oh, there's your locker Jasper."

I've already checked Jasper's schedule and know that we don't share our first class. He stops by his locker and even though Neil obviously wants me to just keep walking with him I stop beside my brother.

"I'll see you later, I guess," I say, a little uncertainly. I have never been dependent on Jasper's company in the past, but so many things are different now…

"I've got my phone," Jasper says, quietly enough that no one else could hear him. "If you need me Rose, just give me a call, okay?"

I nod, automatically touching the lump in the side pocket of my bag that's my phone. I'd resisted getting a new phone but now it feels like a lifeline as I smile at Jasper and then walk down the hallway beside Neil.

He was right about knowing everyone. A lot of people stop and say hello to him, and he answers their greetings with breezy confidence. I don't like the slightly possessive way he introduces me, as though he has already established some kind of relationship with me, and I'm glad when we get to my locker.

"Thanks," I say briefly, checking the combination and opening my locker. It smells like bleach, but at least it's clean, and I dump the pile of textbooks in there before I start shuffling through them to find what I'll need first.

"Anytime," Neil says, leaning against the locker beside me. "I can take you to your first class if you like?"

"No, that's okay," I say. "I saw the room when we passed it just back there. Thanks for the offer though."

Neil is obviously reluctant to leave. "Maybe I'll see you in class later then? Or at lunch? You're welcome to sit with me and my buddies…"

"I'm not sure what I'm doing yet," I say briefly. "I'll see you round. Thanks." Since he's obviously not going to leave I pick up the books I need for the first few classes and give him a smile as I head back down the hallway to my first class. I can feel his eyes following me.

Neil isn't the only one though. There are a lot of boys in this school, and on the first day it seems like there's always one at my elbow, offering to show me to my next class or asking if I need help. The girls seem warier, although when Jasper walks into my math class and drops into the seat beside me I meet several of them.

Emmett is in my gym class. He comes loping out of the change rooms just as I finish talking to the gym teacher about my medical exemption from certain activities. The coach tells me they're playing basketball today, so I can just sit in the stands and watch, and Emmett falls into step beside me as I head for the bleachers.

"How's your day going?" he asks. "Enjoying Forks high?" He gives me a dimpled grin. "I've been hearing stories all day about the hot new blonde."

I roll my eyes. "Well, Jasper _is_ pretty attractive," I say, which makes Emmett laugh.

"I don't know Rosalie, I think you could take your pick…"

"I'm not interested," I say, and my voice sounds tight. I sit down on the bottom row of the bleachers, watching as other students come out of the change rooms in ones and twos. "I'm really not looking for a boyfriend."

"Well, I know a few guys who are going to be mighty disappointed to hear that," Emmett says lightly, dropping onto the bleachers beside me. His gym t-shirt and shorts are badly wrinkled, but he smells like clean laundry and the forest outside and I have a sudden, crazy desire to bury my face in his chest and breathe him in.

"Hey Cullen!" the coach shouts. "You just going to sit there on your butt all day? It's not vacation time now son, and you've got a match coming up!"

Emmett waves a hand and rises to his feet. "My wrestling coach," he says, by way of explanation.

"Oh well, by all means go on then," I say with a grin. "You've got to get in shape for all that rolling around and groping…"

Emmett snorts and regards me with amusement. "You're sounding quite excited about the homoerotic aspects Rosalie…I'm beginning to suspect you're a closet fan."

"Who's in the closet?" I say innocently. "Men in spandex…just because I don't want a boyfriend doesn't mean I don't like looking." And I cover my grin with my hand as Emmett blinks at me in surprise and then throws his head back laughing.

I'm still smiling as Emmett jogs on to the court and leaps up to catch the ball thrown his way. He's surprisingly graceful for such a big man, and once again I feel the ground shift uncertainly beneath me as the thought drifts through my head, _he's so beautiful…why did I have to meet him NOW?_


	12. Chapter 12- Gift from the Past

_Chapter 12- Gift From the Past._

I'm relieved to see Alice waving at me energetically when I step into the cafeteria. She's already seated behind a tray of food, with Bella on one side and an empty place on the other, and she beckons me over.

"Leave your stuff here and go get lunch," she invites. "I'd avoid the meatloaf if I was you, but everything else is okay."

I take her advice and skip the hot lunch in favour of a sandwich and cookie and juice, sitting down beside her with a quiet sigh. Jasper had been ahead of me in the lunch line and he's already seated across from Alice, smiling at her with his eyes bright. I notice that he's decided to brave the meatloaf.

"Have you had a good day?" Alice asks. "Met many people?"

"Lots of people," I answer, waving at Neil who seems disappointed when I don't go over to him.

Alice follows my line of sight and giggles when she sees who I'm waving to. "Oh him… I should have known he'd hit on you."

"He's wasting his time," I say briefly, and then repeat what I said earlier to Emmett. "I'm not interested."

"I'm not sure he's got the message, judging by the way he's staring at you," Alice whispers.

I snort impatiently. "What do I have to do, spit in his face? He showed me where my locker was and I was basically polite…in what world does this translate to "I'm interested in hooking up with you"?" I scowl as I open my juice.

"He broke up with Heather again over the summer," Alice says musingly. "She's on the squad with me, and they've been on and off since they were both freshmen apparently."

I know exactly the type of people and relationship Alice is talking about, and that is the last thing I need. "Well, he's going to have to look elsewhere," I say flatly. "Because I am not in the least bit attracted to him, I have no interest in that kind of drama, and I'm never dating a football player again."

I haven't planned that little speech, and the last sentence slips out before I can stop it. Alice, who notices every little nuance of speech and flash of expression, looks at me with sharp interest, but at just the right moment I hear the beep of an incoming message on my phone.

I fish it out of my bag and read the text. "It's from dad," I tell Jasper, a little surprised. "Oh, great…he says the Camaro is being delivered to the Cullens' place on Friday. He's told me to get someone who knows what they're doing to fix it and send him the bill. Awesome."

"That's great," Jasper agrees.

I look past Alice to Bella. "Did you mean it, the other day? That your friend might be able to fix up my car?"

Bella looks a little anxious. "Yes. I mean, he's not a professional or anything, he's only sixteen, but he knows what he's doing. And he has some older friends and they all work on stuff together."

"Does he go to this school?" I ask, looking around.

"No, he's Quileute and goes to the school on the reservation," Bella says.

"What about the school on the res?" Emmett suddenly appears, taking a seat beside Jasper. "We're having a friendly against them with wrestling one weekend."

Alice rolls her eyes. "We're not talking about wrestling! We're talking about fixing cars. Bella's friend Jacob is going to do up Rosalie's car for her."

"Well, I'm going to ask him about it," I say quickly.

"He can't do a worse job than those bastards at the Forks auto shop would," Emmett says with a scowl. "Jesus, you should have seen what they did to my Jeep when they were trying to fix her, and then the way they charged was outrageous!"

"Jacob won't rip you off," Bella said softly. "I can give him a call if you like Rosalie, and see about taking your car out there this weekend? It takes about twenty minutes to drive to the reservation."

"That would be good." I glance at Jasper, adding wryly, "And don't worry about the money, dad's paying for it."

_Of course, if he has his way, he's aiming for a very lucrative settlement in a civil court case…_ I quash that thought ruthlessly and turn my attention back to my sandwich.

~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~

"Oh, you've found a cool spot out here. Mind if I join you?"

I shake my head and Esme takes a seat beside me on the porch swing, setting it rocking gently. It's Friday evening, an abnormally hot September evening, and I've spent the last hour reading outside and waiting for my car to be delivered.

"How was your first week of school?" Esme asks pleasantly.

I put my book face down to keep my place on the small side table and sit back, pulling up my legs and hugging my knees. "It was okay," I say to her. "It's a good school."

I've been a little surprised by the high standard of work expected, but the challenge has fired my competitive spirit and I'm actually grateful for the way that studying is helping me take my mind off things.

"Do you feel as though you're settling in here in Forks?" Esme's voice is gentle. "Feeling more comfortable and at home?"

I consider her questions. "Yeah, I think I am," I say, a little surprised. "It's all so different here, but it's starting to feel normal. _I'm_ starting to feel normal." I give her a half-embarrassed smile.

"Well, that's wonderful," Esme says sincerely. "I'm so glad. Are you making friends at school? Alice says the boys are certainly interested."

I grimace. "I guess so. I wish they'd just lay off though."

"Well, if anyone gives you any trouble just let us know. We can help you sort things out." Esme says, sounding quite fierce before her face relaxes again. "Of course, if you meet someone you'd like to date…"

"No," I say hastily. "No, I don't want to date and I haven't met anyone anyway. I guess…I guess I'm not that good at making friends."

I curl a piece of hair around my finger and tug on it, thinking that while that has never been true before, it is true here in Forks. From kindergarten I have always been at the centre of a close-knit group of friends. There was always someone to play with and whisper and laugh with, someone to plan sleepovers and movies and bike rides with, someone to go shopping and experiment with make-up and trade clothes with. Then there were all the boys…I started dating in middle school and it was a steady stream of boys wanting to take me out and try their luck after that. A Friday night alone at home, reading on the porch, would have been unthinkable to me a couple of months ago.

"I'm sure that friendships will come," Esme says comfortingly. "You probably just need to get to know people a bit better. Maybe you could join a club or an activity?"

I shrug. "I'm okay as things are…really, I am."

Esme accepts that. "Jellybean?" she offers, holding out a small bag.

I giggle and take a handful. "Thank you."

"They're my guilty pleasure," she confides, eating some herself. "I have to hide them from Emmett, he's terrible about sneaking all the snacks."

"He showed me where you hide things in the cabinets," I confess, remembering back to my first night here.

Esme laughs comfortably. "Yes, that's where I put the things I don't care if he eats…I have my other hiding places that he knows nothing about!"

I laugh, and then sit up as I hear the roar of a truck making its way slowly up the Cullens' long driveway. "This must be my car!"

It is the Camaro, and after I find Carlisle to sign the delivery slip the car is driven off the truck and parked in the garage. Between the monstrosity that is Emmett's Jeep and the sleekness of Carlisle's Mercedes it looks every bit of its age, but I don't care as I sit in it and run my hand over the cracked leather steering wheel cover.

"Hey, this is sweet," Emmett says approvingly. He has come out to the garage to take a look and slides in to the passenger side next to me. He stretches his arms out along the seat back and along the top of the door and grins. "Very nice…not my Jeep, but I can see the appeal."

Carlisle is leaning against the Mercedes and smiles at the two of us reminiscently. "Rosalie, you look just like your mother sitting there in that car," he tells me, and then gives a rueful laugh. "I can't believe it's really Lily's convertible…the number of hours I've spent driving around on double dates in this very car!"

"What?" Emmett sounds scandalised. "You went out with Rosalie's mom?"

Carlisle laughs heartily. "No! You know I was roommates with Jack, and he's Rosalie and Jasper's dad. He was dating Lily all through college, so of course I knew her well too. They used to make me go out on double dates with them…Lily was always saying I worked too hard and setting me up with girls she thought I'd like." He grins teasingly at Esme. "I had a few notable firsts in this car, you know…"

"Ugh, no!" Emmett threw up his hands. "Dad, come on…no one needs to know about your dirty bachelor days!"

Carlisle roars with laughter. "That's big, coming from _you_! I thought you were all in favour of playing the field?"

Emmett blushes uncomfortably. "Well, maybe I said something like that…but I wasn't talking about _you_!"

Shaking his head, Carlisle wraps an arm around Esme and hugs her affectionately. "You don't mind my dirty bachelor past, do you love? I've got to say that it was probably a lot more innocent than Emmett's efforts have been so far, and he's not even in college yet…"

Emmett squirms, looking mortified. "Okay, I'm sorry I ever said anything! I'm glad you had a wonderful time in college, going out to sock hops and taffy pulls or whatever you did in the olden days…"

Carlisle cuffs him over the back of the head affectionately. "I'd quit while I was ahead, if I were you," he says, before he takes Esme's hand and the two of them head back towards the house. "Rosalie- I like your car. It's got real style," he tells me over his shoulder as they leave the garage.

Emmett bites his knuckles and runs a hand through his hair. I put my hands on the steering wheel and give him a sideways look.

"Playing the field, huh?" I say lightly.

Emmett groans. "Carlisle has such a big mouth. It's not like that."

"So how many girlfriends have you had then?"

Emmett shakes his head. "Not that many." He relaxes back into the seat. "Honestly…I dated a few girls at school and messed around a bit with some girls at camp, but that's it. It's never been serious."

I wonder what 'messed around' is a euphemism for, and then I wonder why I even care.

"So, what about you then?" Emmett's voice is casual.

"Girlfriends? No, not really my thing."

Emmett snorts. "Boys then, smartass."

I wind a piece of hair around my fingers and pull on it thoughtfully. "I used to go out a lot and that was all just casual…but I had a boyfriend for most of the last school year. He…his name was Royce." My heart thumps uncomfortably. I haven't said his name or talked about him since the last time they made me. "But that's over now."

"Do you miss him?" Emmett's voice is casual, but I'm aware of how intently his blue eyes are focussed on my face.

"No!" I can't suppress the shudder, and the way my hand instinctively goes to touch my scars. I grip the steering wheel tightly and stare straight ahead. "No, I don't miss him."

"Well, I'm glad," Emmett says, and I'm so surprised I turn and look him full in the face. He smiles at me, and between his bright blue eyes and his dimples I'm caught and I feel a whole different kind of breathless. For a moment neither of us move, and then Emmett stretches out and says, "So, this thing drives right? You going to take me for a ride?"

"Sure," I say, taking a deep breath. "Let's go." I turn the car on and we head out down the driveway and into the twilight.


	13. Chapter 13- At the Reservation

_Chapter 13- At the Reservation._

The weather turns overnight, and when I wake from a nightmare in the early hours of the morning I find I've kicked off the quilt and I'm shivering with cold. At least this time I've woken before I start screaming and wake everyone else.

I can't stay in bed after the nightmares. I never can. Instead I drag my quilt downstairs with me and watch old sitcom episodes, and it's only as the sun begins to rise and lighten the big living room that I manage to fall into a fitful doze.

When I open my eyes, Carlisle is sitting in the armchair with watching Seinfeld, a plate of toast in his lap and holding a glass containing a smoothie that looks like green slime. He's wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt and I guess he's probably been downstairs working out before breakfast.

"Morning Rosalie," he says casually.

I mumble something that might pass for hello. Usually I manage to wake up and get myself back upstairs before anyone comes down, and I'm feeling edgy and vulnerable about being found down here this morning. I slump further down into the cocoon of my quilt and stare at the tv.

"Another nightmare?" Carlisle asks casually.

I shoot him a glare, and he smiles at me guilelessly. "It's not the first morning I've seen you down here and you've woken the others up a number of times during the night."

"Well _excuse_ me," I snarl quietly. "I'm sorry to inconvenience anyone."

Carlisle smiles patiently. "I'm not having a go at you, Rosalie. No one's saying that. But I'm aware of what's happening, and you have to admit that things could be better. You're not getting enough sleep and that's a fact."

I grit my teeth and say nothing. Does he think I _like_ this? I hate going to bed, I hate this chronic feeling of exhaustion, and I hate feeling like my own mind betrays me every single night that it brings everything back with an inescapable nightmare!

I'm about to get up and go back upstairs to get away from him when Esme comes into the living room with a plate which she hands to me. "Here's some breakfast Rosalie- eat up." It's a toasted peanut butter and banana sandwich…Esme is determined to fatten me up. I don't mind. I know I lost too much weight right after it happened and I'm looking better now that I'm not as skinny.

"Thank you," I say. I am grateful and the sandwich is good. After eating Esme's organic peanut butter I went and bought the regular kind that's no doubt full of salt and sugar and hydrogenated fats and preservatives, and although she sighed at me Esme always uses it when she makes my things.

"You do need to do something," Esme says gently. "You can't go on like this. I know you didn't want therapy, but this isn't a healthy or happy way to live, Rosalie."

I swear under my breath and nearly fall over myself getting to my feet while unwrapping the quilt. "Just forget about it, okay? I get it, I'm all kinds of fucked up, I'm broken…I'm sorry that bothers everyone else so much!" Feeling dangerously close to tears I storm up the stairs, sandwich in one hand and quilt trailing behind me in the other.

"Nice jammies," Emmett comments with a sleepy smile as I pass him at the top of the stairs.

"Shut up, asshole!" I hiss furiously. I don't stop, but I'm not quick enough to miss the brief look of surprise and hurt that flickers across his face before I slam into my bedroom, and I throw myself on the bed feeling even worse than I did before.

I finish my breakfast and then have a long shower, drying myself and dressing with my back to the mirrors so I don't have to see myself, and I feel better after that. When I hear the roar of Bella's truck driving into the yard I grab my phone and keys and run lightly downstairs.

"Your car got here?" Bella asks as she enters the living room. "And you're sure it'll make it over to the reservation? Because if I have to call Jake and get a tow…"

"It'll make it," I interrupt, perching on the edge of the sofa. Alice is sitting in front of the television and watching music videos while she finishes her breakfast. "It does drive, it just wouldn't have made it from Rochester to Forks! You said it's only about 15 miles to Jacob's, right? I took it out last night with Emmett and we drove further than that."

"Okay, well that's great," Bella says in relief.

Alice looks from me to Emmett, who is stretched out the other end of the sofa, staring at the television, with her eyebrows raised. "Oh really? That's interesting…where did you go?"

"Around," Emmett mutters. "Nowhere." He doesn't look at me, and I wonder uncomfortably if I've actually hurt his feelings by snapping at him earlier.

"Well, you're in a charming mood, aren't you?" Alice says acerbically.

"Shut up," Emmett growls, his arms folded over his chest and his biceps bulging.

Alice rolls her eyes and sighs theatrically. "Well girls, let's leave this grumpy bear to his hibernation and go and visit the real men," she says cheerfully.

Bella giggles and jumps to her feet. I start following them out, but pause in the doorway to look back for a moment. _I didn't want this, not at all…but please don't be upset with me Emmett, I can't stand it. _"Emmett?"

"What?" His eyes don't leave the television.

I wrap my hair around my fist and tug on it hard. "I'm sorry for being such a bitch," I say quickly, and then turn and rush outside before I can see his response.

"I'm going to try out Rose's convertible on the way over," Alice tells Bella. "We'll follow you, since Rosalie doesn't know where she's going, okay?"

Bella nods and climbs into her truck. It's older than my convertible and I suppose I have to take the fact that such an antique is still on the road as proof of her mechanic friend's skills. Alice jumps into the convertible and wraps a scarf around her head and dons a pair of giant sunglasses, despite the overcast day, and I shake my head as I swing in beside her.

"Don't expect me to get all Thelma and Louse with you and drive off cliffs," I say, starting the car and following Bella's truck down the driveway.

Alice giggles. "Not at all. I'm just dressing for my surroundings. This car is gorgeous Rosalie. I mean, I don't know a thing about cars, but it's just such a unique style piece."

I snort, but I can't help feeling pleased. I love my mom's old car with a passion, and none of my old friends ever understood. They always thought I should trade it in for something new and modern…I focus hard on the road, pushing the memories away before they can overwhelm me.

Bella parks in front of a shabby small house and I ease in beside her. The door flies open and a boy with sparkling dark eyes and long dark hair tied back in a sloppy ponytail comes bounding out, a broad grin splitting his face.

"Bells!" He picks Bella up and swings her around in a big hug. "It's great to see you again! So what have you got for me?"

Alice flings off her scarf and glasses and skips out of the car, but I feel a sudden flush of shyness and take my time stepping out of the car and joining the three of them. Jacob looks me over and then looks away quickly, shoving his hands deep in his pockets and kicking at the dirt. It's in stark contrast to the happily unself-conscious way he greeted Bella. Clearly I intimidate him, and I fight back a wave of irritation. Why does _everyone _look at me and jump to conclusions? Why can't I ever be just another girl?

"This is Rosalie," Bella introduces me. "Rosalie, this is my friend Jacob." She grins at him affectionately. "My dad and his dad are old friends, so I've known Jake since he was in diapers."

"Yeah thanks Bells, way to make me look like someone to be respected." Jacob gives me an embarrassed half smile. "I've grown up some since the diaper days, and I promise I know what I'm doing with cars. You want to show me what you've got?"

He sure has grown. Bella told me Jacob is only just sixteen, nearly a year younger than she is, but he's already over six feet tall. I turn back to the car, touching the hood possessively. "This is it. It's a '69 Camaro, obviously, and it was my mom's. It's been in storage in our garage and has barely been driven for years. I've had it out a little in the last year and a half, but it's not in the greatest shape."

Jacob is looking the car over and I'm gratified by his genuine delight in it. He pops the hood and pokes around in the engine, then walks around it stroking the paintwork and looking at the rest. "It's really not in that bad shape," he tells me. "Considering its age and all…I was expecting worse." Now that we're talking about the car he's on his own turf and he's easy and confident in his manner. "I couldn't really hear it over Bella's truck…can I have the keys and have a listen?"

I toss him the keys and he turns it on and revs the engine, listening intently. I love that sound, and I can't stop my slight smile as I lean against the car, feeling the vibrations of it against my thighs.

Jacob turns it off almost reluctantly, and this time the grin he gives me has no trace of self-consciousness. "Oh yeah, we can work on this," he tells me. "What do you really want though? I mean, I'll strip the engine back and clean it and replace anything that needs it mechanically, but what are you thinking about the rest of it? Your canvas isn't in great condition and it does rain a lot here- we can patch it, or were you thinking about a full-on restoration, respray and everything?"

"Everything," I say, caressing the leather of the seat. "I love this car. And since my dad is paying for it, I want the best of everything. Just keep on spending money and I'll keep on sending the bills to him."

Jacob's eyes gleamed. "A car like this _and_ an unlimited budget? You're sure you want to give it to me? I mean, you could get anyone you want to work on this…"

"Jake! Yo man, what have you got there?" A shout breaks into our conversation and a moment later a grinning young boy jogs over to the car and leans on the door. He looks a year or so younger than Jacob, and when he looks at me his eyes widen and his brown skin takes on a reddish hue as he blushes.

"Hey, I haven't seen you here before. I'm Seth Clearwater." He grins at me engagingly.

Even my legendary ice queen bitchiness can't survive Seth Clearwater's smile. Being rude to him would be like kicking a puppy. "I'm Rosalie Hale. Jacob's going to do up my car." Okay, so I'm exactly effusive or anything, but it's better than most people get from me.

"Hey, this is neat!" Seth enthuses. "You'll let me help, right Jake? Jake's teaching me everything he knows," he tells me proudly. "I've been helping him do up the Rabbit."

Jacob snorts. "Yeah, great help you are. All you do is talk and eat my food." But the look he gives Seth is that of an older brother- equal parts fondness and exasperation. "All right then Rosalie, if you're sure you want me to start this let's get this into the garage."

"Yes," I say, and then Jacob grins.

"How 'bout I see how she runs first?" he suggests, and after a momentary hesitation I nod and slide into the passenger seat. Laughing, Alice and Bella and Seth pile into the back before Jacob takes off with a shriek of tyres and a crowing laugh.

He must drive past all his friends' houses, because within five minutes of parking the Camaro in his dilapidated old garage there's about an extra five Quileute men in the garage all pawing over my car and arguing about what to do with it first. Alice holds court from the back, sitting up on the rear seat and flirting outrageously, while Bella seems to be enjoying herself in a quieter way, sitting up on the bench and throwing in the odd remark. In some ways she seems more comfortable here, in this shabby, jumbled old garage, than I've ever seen her at school or the Cullens' house.

I'm not comfortable. Not because anyone has done or said anything inappropriate, because they haven't. They _look _of course, but boys always look and it's not something that I can afford to let bother me. But the garage isn't so big that seven boys aged between fifteen and twenty don't make it seem full, and the sheer masculine physicality of them all is making my heart pound and my palms sweat as they laugh and jostle and punch each other.

"Rosalie?"

I've unconsciously backed myself against the wall by the doorway, and I whip my head around to see another of the Quileutes looking at me somewhat curiously. He's older than the others, maybe in his early twenties rather than in high school like the rest of them, and has a more serious look to him.

"I'm Sam Uley." He holds out a hand, and I shake it quickly. His grip is firm, and I find something oddly comforting about the rough, calloused feel of his hand.

"Rosalie Hale."

Sam nods. "I just wanted to introduce myself. I own the garage here in La Push, and so I'll be doing the body work and re-spray job that Jake tells me you want." He glances over at Jacob. "He knows what he's doing, but if he runs into any trouble I'll help him out. I can source parts cheaper than he can so I'll help with that too. He says you haven't given him a budget, but we're not going to rip you off."

"Thanks," I say, feeling suddenly awkward about being seen as a spoiled princess throwing daddy's money around. "It was my mom's car…it's really important to me."

"Well don't worry," Sam says confidently, and gives me a grin that lightens his serious face and makes me smile back. "We'll take good care of her. I didn't believe Jake when he told me he had a '69 Camaro to work on, and I'm really looking forward to playing with this one! We'll keep in touch and let you know how it's all going."

"Okay, thank you." I look past him towards the doorway. "I'm just going to take a walk," I say quickly. "Will you tell Alice if she asks where I am? I won't be long."

"Sure," Sam nods. "You should check out the beach if you've never been here- it's just that way."

I nod, and slip out of the crowded noisy garage, taking a deep breath of the cool air outside. I just need to escape… Taking the direction that Sam pointed out to me, I start walking.


	14. Chapter 14- The Beach

_Well it only took 13 chapters, but here's some Leah at last! Just pointing this out because this story began when KaramelKat asked me about writing a fic where Leah and Rosalie were friends. I couldn't make anything work when they were vampire and wolf, but then one day I was playing with the 'what ifs' and when I got to 'what if they were human?' the idea took root and became Where the Wild Roses Grow. _

_And yes- I named Leah's dog after Boo Boo Stewart!_

* * *

_Chapter 14- The Beach._

The beach takes my breath away with its curve of grey sand and piles of seaweed and driftwood, the rocky lumps of islands rising up out of the water. The wind whips my hair across my face and I flip my ponytail back as I take a deep breath of the salty air and scramble over the driftwood piles and rocks until I reach the hard sand at the water's edge. I will have to tell Jasper about this so he can bring his camera down here.

There are a few lone figures walking dogs, but I guess the overcast, cool weather has kept most people away and for a moment I feel like I'm standing on the edge of the world. The wind is stinging my eyes and making me feel restless and alive, and as I take a deep breath I find myself laughing. There is no one here to see and so I take off, running fast and throwing myself into a string of round offs and handsprings and backflips, pretending that instead of a grey, deserted beach I'm back in a stadium full of football fans screaming and watching me cheer. My bad arm gives out without warning and I finish with an inglorious crash on to my knees in the sand, but I just give an exultant whoop as I fall backwards. I stare up at the clouds with a huge, goofy smile on my face, pretending that it's the wind that's bringing the tears to my eyes and not the memory of what I used to be.

"Are you okay? I mean, not that it's any of my business or I particularly care either way, but it's probably not good for the tribe if cheerleader Barbie breaks her leg on our beach and no one helps her."

_What the fuck?_ I scramble to my feet, brushing sand off my clothes as I turn and glare at the person who spoke to me. "Who the hell are you?"

It's a girl, probably a little older than me, with the same russet skin and dark hair and eyes of the Quileute boys in the garage. Her arms are folded and she's looking at me with a slight sneer. "I'm Leah Clearwater. I caught your little gymnastics display there and saw you fall at the end. You didn't get up, so I thought I should do my civic duty and check that you hadn't broken anything."

I give up on trying to brush the wet sand out of my hair. "Well there was no need to be so fucking rude about it!"

She snorts. "Sorry I hurt your feelings then."

God, where does she get off on being such a bitch? Clearwater… "Are you related to Seth?"

"You know my brother?"

"I just met him over at Jacob Black's place. Apparently he's going to fix my car." At that moment a dog the size of a small pony, with the shaggy fur and gleaming white teeth that make it resemble nothing more closely than a wolf, comes barrelling towards me and I give an involuntary shriek and step back, stumbling slightly.

Leah laughs. "You seem to be having some trouble with coordination there," she says. "Don't worry about the dog- he's harmless. Aren't you, Boo Boo baby," she croons, rubbing her hands through the thick fur as the dog stops at her side, and then lowering her face so he can lick her cheek.

"I don't like dogs," I say tightly. I don't like anything unpredictable, and this big, slobbery, hairy thing looks like it could take my head off.

"What kind of person doesn't like dogs?" Leah looks at me incredulously.

With a bad tempered scowl I turn and start flouncing back down the beach. I'm a little surprised at how much distance I covered in my tumbling run. A moment later I nearly shriek again as I feel the dog's cool wet nose bumping into my hand and then a warm tongue slurping across my fingers.

"Go away!" I say to it sternly, but the dog just leans its head hard enough against my thigh that I stagger sideways as I walk.

I hear another laugh, and then Leah is beside me again. "Guess Boo Boo didn't get the memo that you don't like dogs," she says, amused. "Seems like he thinks you're okay." She looks over at me thoughtfully. "Did you say that Jake Black is fixing up your car? How'd that all happen? You don't look like the kind of person he would know."

"What's _that_ supposed to mean?" I stop dead, hands on hips and bracing my weight to keep upright as the dog leans into my hip.

"I didn't know Jacob knew any blonde cheerleader Barbie dolls…"

"What the hell is your _problem_?" I snapped. "I'm just walking along the beach minding my own business and then you come along and start in with the bitching…you know what? Fuck you."

Leah passes a hand across her eyes wearily. "Look, I'm sorry. I'm having a really bad day, and you were just there. Which really isn't any reason for being such a bitch, I know, and I apologise."

I shrug and start walking again. "Whatever."

"So how _do_ you know Jacob?" Leah keeps pace with him.

"I don't really. But I needed some work done on my car, and Bella Swan told me he might be able to help me out."

"Oh, Bella Swan…" Leah muttered. She looks at me. "You never told me your name."

"Rosalie," I say after a pause. "Rosalie Hale."

"That was some pretty sweet tumbling you did back there, Rosalie Hale. At least until you landed and made me think you'd broken something."

I give her a wry grin. "I'm lucky I didn't. I just got out of a cast and I'm not supposed to be doing stuff like that yet…I think the doctor would have killed me if I'd turned up with something else broken."

"Sounds like a great doctor."

I shake my head. "No…I live with them- Dr Cullen and his family. He feels a bit parental."

"I know him." Leah tosses a stick and the dog lopes after it. "Well Rosalie Hale, it was interesting to meet you. I might see you round."

"Yeah, looking forward to it," I say sarcastically, and Leah laughs and blows me a kiss. I shake my head as I head back up the beach to the gap I came through- there's something about her that makes me think, for all she was so incredibly rude and abrasive, she and I could be friends.

It's mid-afternoon when Bella drops Alice and I back at the Cullens' house. Edward and Jasper are throwing a football around outside, and Alice tosses her purse and phone on the steps and runs over to join them. I wave, but I've still got sand in my hair and I smell like the sea so I head inside for a shower and a change of clothes.

I half wish I hadn't come inside though, as I'm immediately greeted with the sound of raised and exasperated voices. Emmett is sprawled out on the sofa in pretty much the same position he was when I left, and judging by the plate full of apple cores and banana peels and the empty bag of chips on the floor by him he's been there most of the day. Carlisle and Esme are standing between him and the television and neither of them look very happy. I just duck my head and head fast up the stairs as I hear Carlisle start again, his voice tight with frustration.

"It's all very well and good to have people expressing interest in your ball playing Emmett, but your grades…"

It's quiet once I've finished showering and dressing, but I still tread lightly as I tiptoe downstairs. I can hear Carlisle and Esme talking in the kitchen and the laughing shouts of Alice and Jasper and Edward drift in from outside, but Emmett is still lying on the sofa, now with his arms folded over his face, as I hover uncertainly at the side.

"You can sit down," he says, his voice a little muffled. "If you want the tv you can have it…I'm not really watching anything."

I sit lightly on the other end of big sectional sofa, wondering how he knew I was there when he couldn't see me. "What was that all about?" I ask finally.

Emmett sighs and drops his arms. "The usual," he answers tiredly. "Me screwing up in school again. Carlisle and Esme trying to get me to hold it together."

"School's only been back a week!" I say in surprise. "You can't have screwed anything up already!"

Emmett pushes himself to a sitting position with a weak laugh. "You'd think! But when you're on a kind of permanent academic probation thing like I am…" he shrugs. "My guidance counsellor gets reports from all my classes and talks to Esme and Carlisle every week. Even, apparently, the first week."

I raise my eyebrows. "That's pretty tough. At least they care, I guess…I doubt my dad even remembers what grade I'm in."

Emmett looks frustrated. "I know, it's great they care. But I'm not doing this on purpose, you know…"

"What's the problem?"

Emmett gives me a look that's half defiance and half embarrassment. "General stupidity."

"You're not stupid," I say softly. There's something about the flash of vulnerability I'm seeing in Emmett now that cuts me to the core.

"We share gym, right?" Emmett says flatly. "Sit next to me in math or English or science and you might think differently." He runs his hands through his hair and then bites on his knuckles for a moment. "I'm just not good at school," he says quietly. "I never have been. I was way behind the other kids when I started and even though Esme and Carlisle worked their asses off with me and I had tutors and IEPs and whatever else, I never caught up. It took me years to learn to read properly, and when you can't read you can't do shit else either. My SATs last year were a joke…they want me to take them again, but I don't know that there's any point."

"Do you want to go to college?" I ask hesitantly.

"That's the million dollar question Rosalie," Emmett says seriously. "_Do _I want to go to college? I always just wanted to finish school as quickly as I could and get the hell out of there, but I _really_ want to play baseball and there are a few colleges who are looking pretty happy for me to put on their uniforms and play for them. Some of them are even going to give me money to do it."

"You're that good?"

"Yeah, I am." This isn't Emmett being cocky, this is Emmett stating a fact. "I've been working towards this since freshman year. Forks High School isn't exactly the most competitive team out there, so I've had to hustle; lots of camps and clinics and emailing videos around to any one of the college coaches who'll watch them. It's paid off though, I _know_ there's a few out there that want me. Unfortunately, turns out that SAT scores still matter, and keeping up my grades has always been a requirement…I dunno Rosalie." He looks at me and gives me a lopsided smile. "Sorry. I guess you've caught me in a sore moment. It sucks bad enough that I'm the biggest dumbass in Forks, but I really hate disappointing Carlisle and Esme."

"It's okay." I look at him thoughtfully. All of this is new information to me, and I am fascinated by the insight into his character. "I can help you study for the SATs if you decide to redo them."

Emmett shakes his head. "I bet your scores were great."

"Pretty good." I don't elaborate. Academically I sit quite comfortably around the 80th percentile without making much effort, and I've always tested well. "I don't know that it matters that much though," I add slowly, feeling an odd desire to share with him since he has been so open with me. "I don't know what I want to do about college anymore."

Emmett looks at me. "You seem like the type to have it all figured out."

I laugh shortly. "I was, once…things change."

"Can I ask _you_ something?" Emmett eyes me speculatively.

"You can ask," I say cautiously. "I don't promise to answer."

"Okay. What was that about this morning?" He looks at me steadily. "Because you bit my head off, and for what it's worth I actually DO like your pyjamas."

Blushing, I squirm uncomfortably. "I'm sorry?" I offer.

Emmett's eyes crinkle. "Nice deflect there. So do I take it then that I've asked a question that doesn't get an answer?"

"No, I'll answer," I sigh. "I had another nightmare last night and Carlisle and Esme are pushing me pretty hard about going to therapy."

"You don't want to?"

"Would _you_ want to go to therapy?"

Emmett laughs. "I _went_!"

"Really?" I feel a tiny bit foolish. "You did?"

"Yeah, for nearly a year back when I was a kid," Emmett gives me a sweet smile. "When your momma chooses meth over you it kind of does a number on you. Therapy's not that bad. I mean, I guess you probably won't get to play with so many toys and draw so many pictures as I did, but who knows?"

I laugh a little raggedly. "It helped?"

"Can't you tell? Aren't I just the most well-adjusted and mentally healthy example of manhood you've ever met?" Emmett grins.

I snort and then Emmett's eyes widen as I crawl towards him on the sofa. I hide my grin as I reach out and snatch the remote control from his hand and scamper back to my end. My fingers brush across his as I take the remote, and my skin burns at the casual contact.

_What is this between us? Do you feel it too?_

"Sneaky," Emmett says amiably. "What are you going to make me watch?"

"Anything but sports," I say cheerfully, and begin flipping through the cable channels as Emmett chuckles.


	15. Chapter 15- Therapy

_Chapter 15- Therapy._

I don't know if it's talking with Emmett or just that I'm giving in to the inevitable, but when I'm called to the office after lunchtime on Tuesday and find Carlisle sitting there waiting to deliver me to my first therapy appointment I don't even kick up that much of a fuss. I roll my eyes and pout, but follow him out to the car and slide into the front seat.

"I appreciate you being reasonable about this Rosalie," Carlisle says as he pulls the Mercedes out onto the road. "Your dad and Esme and I are all in agreement that it's what you need and it's not optional."

I sigh loudly, but don't say anything.

Carlisle draws to a stop in front of a small blue painted house. It's small and cute, with a window box of colourful flowers and a shady oak tree in the front yard. I look at Carlisle incredulously, since from where we're parked I can still see the school. "You felt the need to drive me five hundred feet?"

Carlisle laughs. "I'm on my way to work. Kari works out of her house a couple of days a week, and since this is going to be regular occurrence you can just walk here from school and then walk back to get a ride home with the others."

"Well, isn't that convenient," I mutter, slumping a little lower in my seat and twisting the strap of my bag in my hand.

Carlisle taps his fingers on the steering wheel. "It's going to be fine Rosalie. You'll like Kari, she's done a lot of work with survivors and she's very good. Now, if you'd like I can come in with you…"

"No, no, that's fine," I say hastily, pushing open the door and stepping out. "I'm a big girl, I can knock on a door just fine by myself…" I make a face at him and slam the car door and then walk rapidly up the front path towards the white painted door. I hesitate, thinking that maybe I'll just walk back to school and go to my gym class and watch Emmett for an hour…I half turn around, but Carlisle is still sitting there at the kerb watching me. He grins and salutes me and I fight the urge to give him the finger as I turn and press the doorbell.

I don't know what I'm expecting, but I'm a little surprised by the tall woman in jeans and a beaded, hand knit sweater who opens the door to me. She's got lots of curly brown hair in a messy bun, is wearing long drop earrings with red stones, and has a half-eaten hamburger in one hand. "Rosalie?" she says, holding out the hand without the burger. "I'm Kari. Come on in."

I shake her hand and follow her inside. She leads me through a small living room and then into a slightly larger room, that holds a large desk crowded with papers and unsteady looking piles of books, a locked file cabinet as well as two red, squashy armchairs, a bean bag chair, and a cushioned window seat that overlooks the side yard.

"Take a seat," she invites, waving her arm. "I'll just duck back to the kitchen and finish up my lunch if that's okay. You're a couple of minutes early and I've been running behind all day."

I shrug. "Whatever." _Take all the time you need...the less time I have to sit here and not talk to you the better._

I'm too tense to sit down. Instead I drop my bag on the floor and then prowl around the room. I don't go near the desk, but I quickly scan the titles of books on the bookshelf and then stand by the wall, examining the drawings and notes that little kids have addressed to Kari that cover a large area. I remember Emmett's teasing comment about drawing pictures and if I wasn't feeling so sick with nerves I might laugh.

I turn around when I hear footsteps coming, standing with my back to the wall as Kari enters the room. "Sorry about that," she says, rummaging around on the desk for a notepad and a pen. "I have to squeeze in a bit of lunch whenever I can. How are you doing?"

"Fine thanks," I say, watching warily as she sits down in one of the armchairs and looks across at me expectantly. For a moment there's silence, and then it's broken by her husky laugh. "It's okay Rosalie, you can sit down. I won't bite."

_You probably wouldn't joke about that if you saw the scar on my breast, you know._

Reluctantly I sit down in the opposite armchair. One of my hands winds its way into my long ponytail, and I try and make the gesture look casual as I twirl the hair around my fingers. I don't think I fool her.

"So Rosalie, why don't you start by telling me a bit about why you're here?" Kari looks at me expectantly.

"Because Carlisle made me come," I say bluntly.

There's that husky laugh again. "Okay then…why do you think Carlisle wants you need to talk to me?"

"He didn't tell you?" I've wound my hair so tightly around my fingers and I'm pulling so hard I think I might have cut off my circulation.

"He did actually," Kari says calmly. "But I was interested to hear what you had to say; although I take it from all this that you're not really comfortable talking about your experiences? Is that just me, or with everyone?"

"Everyone," I mutter.

"That's a mighty big elephant in the room then Rosalie."

I shrug and don't answer, watching suspiciously as Kari scribbles a couple of notes on her notepad. I can't read her writing upside down.

She catches me looking at her and smiles briefly. "We'll go at your pace Rosalie. We don't have to dive right into the big stuff…we'll wait until you're ready, and that will take as long as it takes. Now, you do know that whatever you say to me in here stays just between us? The only exception to that might be if I believed you were at risk of harming yourself or harming someone else."

"Well, I'm not," I say. Even right after it happened I was never suicidal. As for harming others…well. They're well out of my reach.

"That's good, that's something we don't have to worry about then. How about eating and sleeping? How are you finding that?"

"I eat. I sleep…sort of."

"Nightmares? Insomnia?" Kari looks up at me.

I fiddle with my hair. "Sometimes." _Every night._

"General health good? Any physical issues from your injuries? Any prescribed medications for anxiety or depression? Any use of other drugs or alcohol? And please be honest, I'm not here to judge you or tell tales."

"No," I shake my head. "I mean, I'm healthy, no drugs, no drinking, everything healed well." I don't mention the scars.

"Fantastic." Kari finishes scribbling down some notes and then smiles at me. "We'll make today easy Rosalie. I'd like to start by getting to know you a little. Why don't you tell me something about your family?"

"There's me and Jasper," I say slowly, feeling like I'm walking into a minefield even with just that innocent question. "He's my brother. My twin, but I was born first." I can't help my smirk- the fact that I was born first was a thorn in Jasper's side for years when we were children.

"What about your parents?"

"Oh. There's just my dad. My mom died when I was eleven." I brace myself for questions but, at least for now, Kari just nods and after a beat I go on. "I don't live with my dad right now though. Jasper and I have been staying with the Cullens since the end of the summer vacation."

"Is that a permanent arrangement?"

"For this school year," I answer. "After that…I don't know. College, or…something."

"And how do you feel about that?" Kari asks. "It would have been a big change to live with a new family and start at a new school. Coming right on top of your trauma that's a lot to adjust to."

My trauma? I suppose that's as good a way to put it as any. "I wasn't going back to school in Rochester," I say flatly. "No way in hell. I didn't really care otherwise, although I didn't want to go anywhere without Jas."

"You're close to your brother, then?"

"Yes."

"That's good that he was able to come here with you then, and be a support. What about the Cullens? How are you getting along with them?" Kari looks interested.

"It's strange being part of that kind of family," I say, a little hesitantly. "I like them, but it's really different to what I was used to."

"In what way?"

"My dad works all the time. I mean, until she retired last year I had more of a relationship with his secretary than I did with him- she at least had my birthday in her calendar and used to ring me to ask me what I wanted dad to buy for me. So it was usually just Jas and I at home once the housekeeper left. At the Cullens' house there's always someone around. Esme has a lot of volunteer commitments but they're mostly during school hours, and she's like the uber-mom the rest of the time, always cooking and chasing you about laundry and wanting to know how your day was."

Kari laughs. "That does sound different."

"Yeah. Carlisle works a lot, but not like my dad. He's home for dinner most nights and he doesn't shut himself up in the study all the time either. He talks to his kids."

"And how are things with his kids? They're all at high school with you, right? Five teenagers in a house could create a lot of tension," Kari says thoughtfully.

Tension….I think of Emmett and hope fervently that I'm not blushing. I don't think that's the kind of tension she was thinking about. "Edward and Alice are a year younger than Jas and I, and Emmett's a year older although he's still in high school," I say. "Everyone gets on okay. No one has to share bedrooms, so that helps."

"Mmm, it would. What about school? I know you've only just gone back after summer break, but how are you finding it so far? What are your grades like generally? What about friends?"

"The school's okay," I say, wondering how many times I'm going to use the word _okay_ before I get out of this room. "My grades have always been pretty good, and I think they will be here too. I'm probably doing more study than I used to do anyway."

"Oh? Why is that?"

"I'm not as busy with other things," I say tightly. "Last year I was on the cheerleading squad and…my friends…" My voice trails away. That's heading on to dangerous ground.

"Are you still in touch with any friends from Rochester?" Kari seems to be looking at me intently. "Still in touch with anyone?"

"No." I grip my ponytail and twist. "No one. It was easier this way."

"Easier in some ways, probably yes. But you must miss them?"

My lip twists. "Not so much…it turned out a lot of them weren't really all that great friends."

Kari lets this go, at least for now. She hasn't stopped taking notes, and I have the distinct and uneasy impression that nothing I say is getting past her and it's all going to come back to me.

"Friends here in Forks?"

"I'm not really looking." I can feel a headache coming on and I rub my temples distractedly.

"Try and relax Rosalie," Kari says compassionately, stopping her endless note taking for a moment. "I want you to think of this as a safe space for you to work through some of what's happened in your life. It takes time to build that level of trust, and I'm not going to force you to talk about things you'd rather keep private. I'm not looking to trip you up with my questions or cause you pain. Therapy _can_ be painful- I mean these are not easy things we're going to talk about, but we'll go at your pace, when you're ready."

"But it's already not at my pace, is it?" I say, and even though I mean to sound flippant nothing can hide the anger in my voice. "It wasn't _my_ idea to come here at all. Carlisle and Esme want me to, and my dad would take any route that means he doesn't have to deal with me himself, so I don't have a choice."

"It sounds to me like that makes you angry," Kari says quietly.

"Of course it makes me angry!" I drum my fingers impatiently on the arm of the chair. "It's just another damn thing that someone else makes me do when I don't want to…" And I shut my mouth and bite my tongue hard.

Kari nods. "I can understand why you'd feel that way. The idea of opening up to a stranger is a scary one, especially if you're feeling pressured into doing it. It was really brave of you to make this first step and come here today." She considers me for a moment. "From where I am, Rosalie, you seem like a strong young woman who's been through hell and done a pretty admirable job of holding herself together. But that doesn't mean you can't use a helping hand to get yourself into an even better place."

I suddenly feel exhausted and dangerously close to tears. She sees too much. "Well, I said I'd come and I will," I mutter. "But I don't want to talk about…" My words trail away. What I want doesn't seem to matter.

"We can work on it." Kari writes something else down, and then places her notepad and pen on the corner of the desk. I guess we're done. I let out a breath I hadn't even realised I'd been holding.

"I think I can help you Rosalie," Kari adds, going over to her desk and rummaging around until she finds her date book. "If you're agreeable, I think we should start with meeting once a week, see how we go?"

I know I don't really have a choice. "Okay."

"Carlisle seemed to think this time of day would work well for you. He said you had a study period and he could arrange for you to leave school early. Is that right with you?"

I nod. It's as good a time as any. I take the card that Kari has written the appointment on and drop it in to my bag.

"I've written my numbers on there for you too," Kari tells me. "If you need to contact me – and I encourage you to do so if you need anything – use one of those numbers and leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can." She hesitates. "I do mean that Rosalie. Anytime."

"Sure," I say. "Thanks." I make sure I've got my things and give her a stiff smile. It hasn't been as difficult as I was afraid of, but the fact remains that I was sent here, and will continue to come here, to do what I don't ever want to do- remember and talk about what happened to me back on that horrible summer night.


	16. Chapter 16- Comfort and Clashes

_Chapter 16- Comfort and Clashes._

It's a few minutes before the final bell when I reach the school, and the parking lot is still deserted. I wish I had keys for the Volvo. I am nearly trembling with a combination of exhaustion and tension and the idea of having to talk to any of the boys who keep offering me rides home is unthinkable. Moving round to the front of the car I sit down on the kerb, wrapping my arms around my knees and letting my head drop forward.

_I hate this so much…how did I end up like this? What happened to me?_

"Rosalie?" It's Emmett, crouching on the blacktop in front of me. "You okay?"

I raise my head and meet his blue eyes with my own, and all I can do is wordlessly shake my head. I'm not okay, not now.

"Oh, baby girl…" I don't think he even realises the endearment has slipped out as his hands impulsively reach towards me, pulling himself up short as I instinctively flinch.

The thing is, I don't _want_ to flinch away from him. I want to go _towards_ him. I want to feel those strong arms around me and bury my face in that solid, masculine chest and feel whatever this crazy thing is that he makes me feel. But all my demons are there and taunting me with my brokenness, and the words choke in my throat as the tears well in my eyes.

Emmett does touch me then. Moving with infinite care and gentleness he raises a hand and cups it lightly round the side of my face, using his thumb to wipe away the tear sliding across my cheek.

I can't talk. I can't make my arms move to invite him closer. All I can do is look at him mutely as I tilt my head ever so slightly and lean into his hand, but I know he knows.

Emmett smiles, and it's like something in my world shifts. _Oh, you're beautiful…but I can't do this, and I'm so, so sorry._

I don't know if it's the dimples, the wide blue eyes with their long, sooty lashes, or that little quirk in his full lower lip, but there is something perpetually innocent in Emmett's face. I know his history, but it's as though nothing bad has ever touched him and it comes to me with a sudden, heartbreaking insight who it is he reminds me of. My friend Vera's little baby boy, sweet little Henry with his curly hair and dimples and manner of looking at you like you were the whole world. The beautiful little baby I'd tickled and kissed and then snuggled close and warm while he slept and I told his mother, my friend, my secrets on what would turn out to be the night my life turned into a nightmare.

"Come on," Emmett says gently, as someone activates the remote unlock and the Volvo beeps. "Let's go home."

I climb into the car without a word. Emmett swings into the front seat beside Edward, who glances at me curiously and then looks away without asking questions. I know he finds me irritating (and the feeling is mutual) but he knows when to keep his mouth shut. A few moments Jasper falls in to the seat beside me and Edward joins the line of cars making their way out of the lot. Alice has cheerleading practice and will get a ride home later.

I can feel Jasper looking at me, but I stay with my face resolutely turned to the window. He is another one who sees too much. It feels like I've spent so long trying to glue the broken pieces of myself back together, and now I'm being forced to look at those cracks all over again and I'm so frightened of what it might do to me. A moment later I feel his fingertips touch mine, and when I look down his hand is lying palm up beside me. Closing my eyes I lay my hand on his and feel the pressure of our palms and fingers touching.

"Stop at the grocery store," Emmett directs Edward.

"Why?" Edward grumbles, but he pulls into an empty space out the front all the same. "Can you be quick please?"

Emmett grins and whips his hand out like a striking snake to ruffle Edward's hair, something he hates, and ducks out of the car. He's back in only a few minutes, holding a small paper grocery sack, and with a long string of red licorice hanging out of his mouth. He breaks off a chunk and tosses it to Edward. "Here grouch, sweeten yourself up…Jas? Rosalie? Want some?"

Jasper and I shake our heads, and the rest of the drive home is silent. I just want to get home and go to my room, but as we get out of the car in the garage Emmett trails behind and, when Jasper and Edward go through to the house, Emmett holds out an arm to stop me. He offers me the paper bag he bought at the grocery store with a slightly sheepish smile. "I got this for you. It's ice cream," he says quietly. "That's what Esme used to buy for me…after therapy. It helps."

He runs a hand through his curls, but his eyes don't leave my face as I slowly open the bag and peer in. Not only has he bought me ice cream, but it's peanut butter flavoured…I didn't even know they made such a thing.

"Thank you," I say shakily. "This is…really nice of you." The words are inadequate for what his little act of kindness has made me feel.

"That's okay." Emmett looks like he wants to say more, but after bouncing up on his toes for a moment he just gives me a self-deprecating smile and then bounds away from me into the house.

I follow him inside slowly. Taking a spoon from the drawer I sit down at the counter in the deserted kitchen and open my little tub of ice cream. The first taste hits my tongue and I'm hooked- my favourite food in all the world now comes in ice cream. I smile blissfully, and even as my mouth freezes as the ice cream melts on my tongue my heart feels warm because Emmett had done this just for me.

~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~

All the ice cream in the world can't chase away my nightmares though. After the stress of the day it's a particularly bad one and no one in the house manages to sleep through the screaming. When morning comes I'm not the only one around the breakfast table looking tired.

It's a silent ride to school. I have gym first period and would usually walk to class with Emmett, but he has been scowling over a bunch of crumpled papers marked with corrections as we drive and with a mumbled curse he gets out of the car and reluctantly slouches off in the direction of the staff lounge.

"Hey Rosalie." It's a boy I recognise from gym but barely know who has fallen into step beside me. "How are you doing?"

"Fine thanks," I answer frostily. He's a football player and I've heard him joking around with the other members of the team at their table in the cafeteria. I have no interest in befriending these people.

"I heard you turned down a couple of dates to Homecoming," he says bluntly. "I thought you might be just holding out for a better offer. You know I'm going to be starting quarterback for the game, right?"

"Good for you," I say blandly. He couldn't have said anything less likely to impress me if he'd thought about it for a week.

"So, do you want to go to the Homecoming dance with me?"

"No thanks," I say. I haven't even spoken to him long enough to remember his name…why would I want to go to a dance with him? And judging by the way he's pretty much only looked at my boobs I don't think he's that interested in getting to know me either, at least not in any way that requires clothes.

"Are you going with someone else?"

"No. I just don't want to go to the dance at all."

We have thankfully reached the gym and, not waiting for him to say anything else, I stride across to the bleachers and take a seat a few rows back. They'll be playing basketball during class and I'm still giving contact sports a miss so I reach into my bag and find my math notebook, preparing to spend the period studying. I don't mind sitting on the sidelines during gym class. It's a little noisy, but I can tune out the thud of basketballs and the thump of feet if I need to, and the games provide a good distraction if my thoughts start getting out of control

The games…or watching Emmett out of the corner of my eyes, I have to admit to myself He's in his element when it comes to physical activity, any physical activity, and seems to play whatever game is on with effortless ease and grace.

I've only just found my place in my math book and opened to a fresh page in my notebook when someone comes jogging up the steps to me and I curse under my breath when Neil sits beside me. Despite his continued attempts to engage me, I don't really like him. He's part of the pack of football players I try and avoid, and even when he's on his own he's too cocksure and pushy for my liking. He seems to feel he has some kind of claim on being my friend and is clearly interested in more, even though I've never given him any indication that I return his feelings.

"So what was Travis talking to you about?" He doesn't look very pleased.

"Is that his name?" I say, bored. "Nothing really- just Homecoming."

Neil scowls. "Did he ask you to the dance? I told him I was going to ask you."

"I told him I didn't want to go with him," I say, focussing more on the equations that I'm setting out than him.

"Oh, hey great then!" Neil grins enthusiastically. "We can go together, it'll be fun…"

I lift my face and stare at him. "Neil, I don't want to go Homecoming. At all."

"Oh come on Rosalie," he says, almost impatiently. "I really want to take you."

I can feel my irritation rise. Why doesn't he just _listen_ to me? "I'm not interested in going to the Homecoming dance," I say through gritted teeth. "I'm not interested in going out with you at all."

I am trying to be as unambiguous as possible. I _don't _want to go out with him, and I don't want him to keep asking me. So I find the bluntest way of saying this that I can.

Rather than being hurt though, Neil gets angry. And this is a scenario I know all too well, and one I swore I would never, ever let myself get tangled up in again.

"What's your problem?" he asks, aggrieved. "I've done nothing but be nice to you since you got here."

"That doesn't mean I have to go out with you," I snap. "I appreciate your help with finding my way around, but that doesn't mean I owe you a date or anything else!"

"You don't have to be such a bitch though!" Neil snarls. "Geez, and I've been defending you when the other guys were calling you the ice queen."

"What did you call me?"

"The ice queen…the way you walk around with your nose in the air like you're better than everyone, and the way you freeze everyone out who even tries to talk to you. Everyone's been saying what a bitch and a tease you are, and I've been standing up for you. Guess I was wrong though and you…"

I'm on my feet before I realise it. "Don't you and your goddamn friends dare talk about me!"

Neil shakes his head. "As if I'd bother after this." He eyes move past me into the gym, and when I look around to see what he's scowling at I see Emmett walking towards us across the basketball court. Neil looks from him to me and then he gives me a sneering smile. "Well, here comes Cullen. Guess there's one person the ice queen might melt for… Or maybe two people? There's been a lot of rumours about you slutting it up with both the Cullen guys...maybe they're true after all?"

And then I do something I've never done before, and bunch my hand into a fist and punch someone right in the face. Hard.


	17. Chapter 17- Consequences

_Chapter 17- Consequences._

The next few moments are chaos. I'm strong and I must have just got in the luckiest hit imaginable, because as my fist smashes into Neil's nose I hear the crack of breaking bone. He reels back clutching his nose but I'm the one who screams as the blood spurts out between his fingers and spatters on to the bleachers.

"Rosalie!"

Emmett is by my side in seconds. For a brief moment his strong arms wrap around me and I feel his body, rock solid and reassuring, against mine and my breath catches. But he releases me almost immediately and I realise he's just lifted me up and swung me away from Neil, who is glaring at me furiously over his bloodied hands.

"You stupid, fucking _bitch!"_

_Oh my god, that's so much blood…_ I fight down a rising wave of nausea and stare back at Neil defiantly as the Coach comes racing over, carrying a towel which he thrusts at Neil.

"Here Forbes, let me have a look. What happened?"

"That bitch _hit_ me!" The words are muffled through the towel as he holds it up to his nose to catch the flow of blood.

"What?" The coach spins to stare at me. "Rosalie?"

I realise I'm gripping Emmett's arm like a vise, and I let my hand drop. "Yes, I hit him."

The coach shakes his head. "Principal's office. Both of you. Forbes, you'd better get some ice on that. You probably need a doctor, I think it's broken."

Neil makes a howling noise of rage, and I begin shoving my things back in to my bag. My hands are shaking though, and Emmett silently reaches out and helps me. "Are you okay?" he asks quietly.

"I'm fine," I say tightly. "It's just the blood, I don't like that, not now…" I can smell it, sharp and coppery, and I swallow hard, hoping I will not vomit. The smell of blood brings up too many bad memories, now.

"You want me to call Carlisle?" Emmett asks, slightly uncertainly. "I think they'll call him anyway…I mean they do, when you fight."

"You know all about it, huh?" I stand up, holding my bag tightly.

Emmett gives me a lopsided smile. "I've had my moments." He digs around in his pockets. "I'll call Carlisle. You'd better get going."

I take my time walking to the principal's office. Neil, spitting blood and swearing, storms off ahead but I dawdle, trying to settle my racing thoughts and calm my breathing. I'm not sorry I hit him, but all that _blood… _

The secretary, Mrs Cope, waves a hand at me as I enter the front office. "Go on through Rosalie, they're expecting you," she says, frowning slightly.

The principal, Mr Greene, is behind his desk when I knock and let myself in. Neil is in a chair in front of him with the school nurse holding a fresh towel and a gel icepack across his face. At least I don't have to look at him. I set my mouth in a stubborn line and continue to stand, my arms folded and my back against the wall by the door.

"Fighting, Rosalie?" Mr Greene says wearily. "Can you explain this to me?"

I open my mouth but then stop. Actually, I'm not sure I _can_ explain it. I shake my head. "I punched him."

"So I see. I assume that something led up to this though? You felt you had a reason to turn to violence?"

Judging by the indignant noises of dissent coming from under the towel, Neil doesn't agree that I had any reason at all. I just shrug and stay silent.

A moment later there's a knock on the door and Carlisle enters. I'm surprised that he nods to the principal and then ignores Neil completely, despite the blood still blooming crimson all over the towel, and turns straight to me. I'm braced for him to be angry, my father would be _furious_ to be called down to school for any reason, let alone fighting, but Carlisle's face is nothing but concerned.

"What happened? Are you okay?" Carlisle is standing between me and the rest of the room, and is eyeing me intently. His voice is tense. "Did he do something to trigger you? Did he touch you?"

I shake my head, confused. "No. He…he asked me to Homecoming…"

Carlisle's jaw drops. "He asked you to a dance and you broke his nose?"

"It's not like that!" The adrenaline is wearing off and my hand is beginning to ache. I look down at it, noticing that my knuckles are red, darkening to purple, and there are two tiny splits in the skin, drops of blood welling up and smearing across the bony bumps.

Carlisle takes my hand gently in his and examines it. "Wiggle your fingers," he tells me. "And please, explain what it IS like, Rosalie."

I wiggle my fingers. My hand is going to bruise, but there's no real damage. "I said no and he wouldn't back off," I say, trying not to let my voice shake. "He got angry and he said things, so I hit him."

Carlisle turns away from me and moves towards Neil. "I need some ice for Rosalie's hand please," he says to the nurse, peeling back the towel to look at Neil's face. I hear Neil swear as Carlisle turns his head from side to side. "It's broken," he tells him. "When your mother gets here you'll have to come down to the hospital so we can put you back together."

Neil glares at me as Mr Greene indicates one of the chairs in front of his desk. "Please take a seat Rosalie."

I sit, perched tensely on the edge of the plastic chair. The nurse comes in with another of the gel packs wrapped in a length of gauze and some cotton wool soaked in alcohol and comes to stand beside me. "Give me a look," she says, and I reluctantly hold out my hand so she can dab some alcohol on the cuts. It stings, and I'm glad when she lays the gel pack across my knuckles and wraps the gauze around my hand to keep it in place.

"It's going to be sore for a while," she tells me. "You clearly didn't hold anything back." There's a flash of amusement in her eyes as she looks at me and when I look at it from her perspective I can understand why. I'm tall for a girl and strong, but I've got nothing on Neil who is a linebacker on the football team and must outweigh me by eighty pounds. When you look like I do, no one looks at you and considers that maybe there is strength or brains under all that blonde prettiness.

"So what happened?" Mr Greene is looking at me, but it's Neil who answers.

"She hid be!" he exclaims. "I didden do adythig!"

He can't breathe through his nose and he's so stuffed up when he tries to talk that it takes me a moment to understand he's just said that I hit him, and he didn't do anything.

"Rosalie?"

"He asked me to go to Homecoming with him," I say, trying to keep my voice even. "I said no, that I didn't want to go, but he wouldn't back off." I feel that I'm starting to clench my fist under the ice pack and I force my fingers to lie flat.

Neil retorts something, but this time no one can understand him and then the door opens and a woman I presume is his mother comes storming in. "You better not have been fighting again Neil!"

"Id wadden be!" Neil says, pulling the ice pack and towel off his face and glaring at me. "Id wad _her_."

His mother eyes me incredulously. "What has been going on here? Dr Cullen, is this your daughter?"

I sit up straighter as Carlisle explains that he's my guardian, and tells her that she should take Neil to the hospital to get his nose attended to. Mr Greene tells her that Neil doesn't appear to have laid a hand on me and that they'll deal with his part in the whole situation tomorrow morning when he comes back to school. To Neil he says that he wants him in the office first thing, and then they'll get to the bottom of it. Then Mrs Forbes and Neil leave, and it's just Mr Greene, Carlisle and I looking at each other in silence.

"I'm sorry Carlisle, I don't have an option here. Zero tolerance policy for violence and she broke his nose. I'm going to have to suspend her." Mr Greene sounds genuinely regretful.

"I don't care," I mutter. "He deserved it. He's been talking about me with his friends and when I said no to him he didn't listen. When someone says _no_…" I bite my lip hard. I can't finish that thought, and I see the flash of compassion cross Carlisle's face. He knows why this matters to me so much.

"I understand why you were angry Rosalie, but you have to admit that violence isn't the answer," Mr Greene begins.

"Oh, I understand _that_," I say tightly. "I think I understand a whole lot more about violence than most people."

Mr Greene exchanges glances with Carlisle and it occurs to me that he must have been given some explanation for my enrolment here, and the medical exemptions that have kept me from doing gym. It's possible he spoke to the principal at my old school when they sent my records here and got the whole sorry tale from him. I have to grit my teeth to stop myself screaming at the idea of so many people knowing my secrets.

Maybe he can tell by my face that I'm very close to the edge, because he sits up straight and folds his hands before he says briskly, "I'm going to give you a three day suspension Rosalie. I have no choice about that. But it won't go on your permanent record and Neil will be dealt with too. He won't bother you again."

"Thank you, Adrian," Carlisle says smoothly. "I appreciate it, and I'm sure Rosalie does too."

"Anytime Carlisle. Sorry to call you down here during the day, although of course it's always good to see you. All the rest of yours seem to be settling back into school well for the year…I haven't seen Emmett in here yet, anyway!"

Both of them laugh, and Carlisle says "He's trying Adrian, he really is. He knows that all the interest the college ball coaches have shown won't lead to anything if he doesn't keep his grades up. We're trying to convince him that if he retakes the SATs he'll probably get a better result and that can only help him too."

"Well, he'd better do it then," Mr Greene nods. ""Cause I've never seen the like of that kid on the ball field, and it would be a shame to see all that God given talent go to waste."

"That's what we've been telling him," Carlisle says with a sigh, and then rises to his feet. "Come on Rosalie. Do you want to get anything from your locker before you go home?"

I go to my locker and bundle up most of my books. Three days at home alone stretches out endlessly before me, and I think I may as well get some studying done. They're heavy in my arms as I trudge out the front door and find Carlisle leaning casually against the railings.

"I have to go back to work," he tells me. "I've called Esme and she's on her way to pick you up."

"Thank you," I say stiffly. He doesn't seem angry at me, but I know that I've inconvenienced him. "I'm sorry you had to come down here," I say at last.

Carlisle tilts his face up the meagre sunshine. "Don't worry about it. It wasn't bad timing actually, I'm waiting on a baby and it's taking its time. I've left mom in the capable hands of the nurses and hopefully when I get back we'll be a bit closer to the big moment."

I don't want to think about that.

"What did you mean before?" I ask hesitantly. "When you asked me if he'd done something to trigger me?"

"When someone has PTSD they sometimes have intense physical and emotional reactions to situations that don't necessarily warrant them," Carlisle tells me. "It might be an event, a smell, a sight, even just something you think, but it triggers your memories of the trauma and you react accordingly."

"You think I have post-traumatic stress disorder?" I say sceptically. No one has ever said this to me.

"Yes, I do," Carlisle says steadily. "When people go through a traumatic event their mind and body will go into shock. That's absolutely normal. With time people make sense of what happened and process their emotions and move on. PTSD occurs when that doesn't happen, when a person gets 'stuck' if you will, with those intense reactions and emotions. That's you Rosalie. The panic attacks, the nightmares, the insomnia, the way you're so constantly wound up and nervy…these are all natural reactions to trauma, but in your case they're not getting better, they're disrupting your life to an unbearable degree, and they are not _going_ to get better unless you face what happened and deal with all your emotions."

I absorb this. "Do you think that's why I hit Neil?"

Carlisle shrugs. "Would you have reacted like that last year to someone who did the same thing?"

Of course I wouldn't have. I've always had a temper, but I've never gone around punching people for just mouthing off. "No," I say quietly. "I wouldn't have done that then."

Carlisle smiles compassionately. "This is why I want you having sessions with Kari. Not because I want to hurt you by making you remember things you want to forget, but because I know you're never going to forget them and the only way for you is to learn to live with them."

Esme pulls up in her Audi then so I'm saved from having to answer him. But he's given me a lot to think about, and as Esme drives me home and the gel pack grows tepid on my aching knuckles I find myself mulling it all over.


	18. Chapter 18 - A Good Place

_Chapter 18- A Good Place._

"Rosalie! Where are you? Oh my god, _everyone's_ been talking about you _all_ day!" Alice's excited voice rings out from the garage even before she comes dancing into the kitchen and makes a beeline for me, the boys close on her heels. "What on earth _happened?"_

I've just finished working out, and I'm standing by the sink drinking water. "Nothing."

"Nothing?!" Alice exclaims gleefully. "I wouldn't call breaking Neil Forbes nose _nothing!_"

Jasper is looking at me in concern, but as he sees that I'm calm he too relaxes. He raises his eyebrows at me in silent question, and I nod slightly. _I'm okay._

"Rosalie, you have to tell me all about it," Alice begs. "Please! Everyone's talking about you! I must have been sent the photos a hundred times."

"Photos?" I say sharply, my stomach clenching.

"It's okay," Jasper says quickly, his eyes intent. "It's not…that." He knows where the idea of photos has taken my memory, and it's not good.

"Look!" Alice whips out her phone and holds it up. "Check it out."

I take the phone from her, my lip curling in distaste. Someone in gym must have had their phone with them because it's a photo of me with my fist clenched and Neil with his hands over his face and blood dripping between his fingers. Alice flips through her text messages and I realise with growing horror that several people must have pulled out their phones for the spectacle, because there are several other photos of me looking enraged and Neil splattering blood across the gym.

"Ugh." I hand Alice back her phone. "That's disgusting." I am unnerved all over again by the amount of blood.

"What did he _really_ do?" Alice asks. "I've heard a million different versions of what happened, but no one really knows. Neil can be such an ass, it's hardly surprising someone finally had enough of him, but I wouldn't have expected it to be _you_!"

I shrug uneasily. "I don't want everyone talking about me."

Alice bites her lip. "I promise I won't gossip," she says with a sigh. "I _can_ keep secrets if I try."

"There's really not much to tell," I say. "Honestly, he asked me to go to the Homecoming dance with him and I didn't want to. He was being a real dick about me saying no, and I got fed up with him and punched him."

Alice laughs delightedly. "I just wish I'd seen it! He always did think he's God's gift to the girls. And you really broke his nose? That wasn't an exaggeration?"

"Carlisle said it was broken," I say, taking an apple and biting in to it. It's taken practically two and a half months but as long as I'm careful I can eat hard food again.

"So you don't want to go to Homecoming with Neil," Alice says. "But you'll come with me and Jas, right?"

I raise my eyebrows at Jasper and note the slightly sheepish look on his face. "I didn't know you two were going to Homecoming together."

"Well, with Edward and Bella too. Just a group thing," Jasper says, but the way his neck is slightly mottled with embarrassment I think there's more going on here than I'm fully aware of.

"We'd love to have you come with us!" Alice exclaims enthusiastically. "Do you have a dress? I can do your hair…"

"I don't want to go," I interrupt her. "Really Alice, I don't."

Alice's face falls. "But it will be so much fun!"

I shake my head. "Not this time. You go and have fun, but I just want to give it a miss."

Alice is disappointed, but I'm staunch in my refusal. There is no way I am going to this dance. She's slightly mollified when I say I will be going to the game - Carlisle and Esme are going to watch Alice cheer, and I've said I'll go with them- and she trips out of the room and upstairs. Edward and Jasper have long since vanished, leaving only Emmett, sitting at the bench steadily working his way through his second bowl of (wholegrain, organic) cheerios.

"How's your hand?" he asks.

I hold it out to him so he can see my purple knuckles. "Sore," I admit. "But it's only a bruise, it's not too bad."

Emmett shakes his head. "Where'd you learn to punch like that? I couldn't believe it when I saw it happen…you completely nailed him."

I finish my apple and toss the core into the bucket Esme keeps for compost. "I've never hit anyone like that," I admit. "Honestly, I was just lucky…I probably couldn't do it again if I tried."

Emmett laughs and drinks the milk out of his bowl, but his smile fades as he finishes it and puts it down on the bench. "I heard what he said," he says abruptly. "Just before you hit him, what he said about you and…me. And Edward."

I can't look at him. When it comes to Emmett my thoughts and feelings are so complex and tangled I can't even begin to really understand them. But from this thorny base is growing a tentative, fragile friendship that, despite what my mind says, my heart suddenly wants desperately. I am horrified by the idea of people talking about the two of us, of making this amorphous and beautiful thing between us into something crude or dirty.

"I'm glad you hit him before I did," Emmett says flatly. "But I'm sorry you got in trouble for it."

I shrug. "It's not so bad. Three days…and it won't go on my permanent record."

Emmett nods as he puts his cereal bowl in the dishwasher and then the cereal box away in the pantry. "Don't let it bother you," he says kindly. "All the gossip and talk…it's all just bullshit. It doesn't mean anything, and it doesn't matter."

That's easy for him to say. No one would say a bad word against Emmett. I've watched him at school and Emmett, despite not being part of any particular group, is universally well-liked. He's the most sociable loner I've ever seen, moving from group to group and being accepted everywhere. Even today, Neil wasn't insulting _Emmett_ with what he said. But in the end it's all just words, and I have to make it not bother me. At least I've got a few days away from school to think about everything.

~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~

By the third day of my suspension I think I'm going to go mad if I don't get out of the house. I've done all the studying I can cope with and I've danced and run on the treadmill until my legs feel like jelly, but nothing can calm the restlessness. I wish I could get out of here, just go somewhere…I think longingly of my car, and the wide, empty beach down at La Push.

"Esme," I ask hesitantly, finding her in the kitchen peeling vegetables for dinner. "Can I borrow your car for a little while? Or do you think Emmett would mind if I took the Jeep if you need yours?" I've never asked for a favour like this before.

"You're welcome to take the Audi," Esme says. "Where are you off to?"

"I want to take a drive out to La Push and go for a walk on the beach," I tell her. "I'll check on my car while I'm out there too I think."

"The keys are on the hook by the door. Will we expect you home for dinner?" Esme asks.

I say yes and then bolt upstairs to get a hoodie before I snatch the keys and go into the garage. It's been grey and raining today, and I think it will probably be cold out on the beach.

The Audi drives smooth and fast once I'm through Forks, and it isn't long before I'm slowing down as I go through the Quileute's town. I do want to check on my car but it occurs to me that Jacob Black will probably be in school, so I head straight to the beach.

I don't tumble along it today. Instead I wander slowly, picking up the occasional stone or shell to look at it before dropping it again. Ahead I can see the remains of a massive tree that's somehow been washed ashore and I quicken my steps to reach it. The thing is enormous, completely dwarfing me and all the other surrounding driftwood (which is already like nothing I've ever seen before) with a hollow trunk that I could walk inside if I wanted to. Instead I scramble my way up to the top and sit for a while, huddled in my hoodie against the cold wind as I watch the waves.

"Hey, it's cheerleader Barbie again! What are you doing down this way?"

I turn my head with a scowl. Leah Clearwater has silently made her way up on to the trunk and is standing a few feet away. Below us I can see Boo Boo the dog bounding along the water's edge; at least up here I'm out of the way of his jaws.

"Rosalie," I say to her with teeth clenches. "My name is _Rosalie_. And I didn't come to the beach for more of your shit."

Leah sighs. "I do owe you an apology," she says a little stiffly. "I _was_ pretty rude the other day."

It seems like that's all the apology I'm going to get, so I shrug and look back out to sea. Whatever. I am surprised though when Leah sits down beside me.

"So what _are_ you doing here?" she asks casually. "Shouldn't you be at school? Seth told me you went to Forks high."

"I got suspended," I tell her, "I punched someone."

Leah looks impressed. "I wouldn't have thought it of you! Catfight?"

"You make a lot of assumptions," I say irritably. "No, it wasn't a catfight. He's a football player. I broke his nose because he asked me to Homecoming and wouldn't take no for an answer." I scowl at the memory. "I hate boys."

"Well, you've come to the right place for female bitterness," Leah says. Her voice sounds light and joking, but there's a thread of steel underneath that speaks to me. She means what she says. "Although I don't know that someone asking you to a school dance is really worth that kind of fury."

"What's your excuse then?" I snap irritably.

"Asshole ex-boyfriend," Leah says drearily.

"I think that's something I know more than I want to about," I mutter, my hand going instinctively to my face. But it's smooth and unmarked now, and I let my fingers drop.

"Don't we all?" Leah turns and stares at the ocean.

"Well, this is excellent," I say sarcastically. "Thanks for cheering me up…you've got a real gift."

I don't know if I expect Leah to laugh or hit me, but after staring at me for a moment there's a flash of white teeth as she grins. "That's me. Always thinking of others."

I check my watch. "Do you think Jacob might be back from school yet? I wanted to see how my car's going while I'm here."

"I'm not his babysitter, but he'll probably be home," Leah says. We don't say anything, but after I inch past her to work my way down the enormous trunk, she scrambles down after me and we fall into step together as we head back up the beach.

"Why aren't you at school?" I ask.

"I'm finished," Leah says smugly. "I graduated last year." She whistles for the dog, and Boo Boo flings up his head, scattering sand and water droplets everywhere and then bounds towards us.

"So what do you do now?" I watch the dog uneasily, glad when he runs to Leah's other side.

"Nothing," Leah's voice turns hard. "Look for a job, but it's not as though there's that much going here at La Push or even in Forks." She takes a deep breath and buries her hand in the thick fur of the dog walking beside her. "Sorry. That's not your problem. And I'd think, going on your "send the bills to daddy" directive, it's not ever going to be." Leah's look is half teasing and half challenging.

"Yeah, my dad could always give me a job if I needed one," I say candidly. "But he's also a complete ass, so there is that. It's not all silver spoons and restored muscle cars when you're one of the privileged."

Leah laughs. "I wouldn't know." She pauses and then said slowly, "My dad died a couple of months ago. He wasn't an ass though."

"I'm sorry," I say, surprised by this flash of openness and truth. "I know how that is. My mom died when I was eleven."

"Well, I'm sorry about that," Leah shrugs. "My mom's a nurse- she works with Dr Cullen at the hospital in Forks and at the baby clinic here." She looks at me curiosity. "What's it like living with him? I hear their house is something amazing."

"The house is gorgeous. Huge and light and airy and beautiful- Esme has an amazing eye for decorating. Living with Dr Cullen is okay," I shrug. "He and Esme are both a bit more up in my business than I'm used to with my dad, but they mean well."

The two of us leave the beach and head down the path that leads to the Black's house. "I'm going to come and see if Seth is there," Leah says a little defensively. "I'm not stalking you."

"Whatever, it's your town not mine," I say. I'm a little surprised when I realise I honestly don't mind her company. She's abrasive and can be downright rude, but after every one treating me so delicately for so long it's surprisingly empowering to have someone who is clearly completely unconcerned about any perceived fragility on my behalf.

Jacob Black's garage door is propped open, and I can hear the music spilling out from inside. I stand in the doorway for a moment and see my car, the hood up and most of the insides spread out over the floor. Jacob has his back to me, examining something over at the bench, and Seth is there with him. Boo Boo yelps and bounds across the garage to him, and the two of them turn around, eyes widening in surprise as they see Leah and I.

"Hey, you don't want to look at it now!" Jacob is suddenly at my elbow, smiling at me a little self-consciously. "We haven't done anything yet!" He scratches his face, leaving a streak of grime across his high cheekbones.

"How can you say that?" I murmur. "You've pulled it all apart into tiny little pieces." I look at the mess a little bit doubtfully, and Jacob chuckles.

"You come back at the other end of the weekend and it'll all be back together again," he says confidently. "I promise. I got the new parts delivered during the week and everything else is cleaned and ready to go. Honest Rosalie, you don't need to worry."

"I'm not worried," I say, smiling at him and watching the wave of red suffuse his cheeks. "I'm not really here to check up on you. I came to go to the beach, and I thought I'd stop by and see how you were going with my car."

Jacob waved at it. "Well, as you can see we're well on the way."

I go and inspect the pieces of engine that are laid out in some particular way that's meaningless to me, but clearly important to Jacob since he winces and clasps his hands together anxiously when I dare to pick something up. "Do you want a hand?" I ask, unexpectedly.

"Do you know anything about cars?" Jacob asks.

"I know something about cars," I say. "I don't, necessarily, know anything about how to rebuild an engine that belongs in one."

Jacob laughs and looks across at Seth. "Well, I guess if I can teach that bonehead how to make himself useful I can teach anyone…how 'bout I find you some overalls to keep your clothes nice and give you a lesson?"

I smile at him and pull on the grimy, too-big overalls he offers me. It's a long way from Rochester, but as the rain begins to fall and patters steadily on the tin roof while Jacob and Seth show me how to use a wrench and Leah watches with amusement and throws in sarcastically teasing comments, I think maybe I've found a good place.


	19. Chapter 19- Homecoming

_Chapter 19- Homecoming._

"Rosalie, are you ready yet? It's time to go." Jasper is standing in the doorway of my room, tapping his watch impatiently.

"Nearly…" I answer, yanking on a pair of boots and backing out of my closet, carrying a jacket. "Oh, nice sweatshirt," I say sarcastically, taking in the Forks Spartans logo on Jasper's sweatshirt. "Good to see you getting into the high school spirit, Jas."

"Give it a rest," he says to me good naturedly. "Alice got it for me."

"Oh well, if _Alice_ got if for you," I smirk. "By all means wear it, if _Alice_ likes Spartans sweatshirts…" I look at Jasper speculatively. "You still haven't told me what's going on with you two."

Jasper flips me the bird. "None of your business," he says cheerfully.

"Jaspeeeerrr…." I whine, but before I can go any further Edward comes hurrying along behind us.

"Carlisle and Esme are waiting," he tells us.

The three of us join them in the garage, climbing into the back seat of the Mercedes. Alice left with some other cheerleaders hours ago, and Emmett took off in the Jeep a little earlier too, planning to meet up with friends at the game.

I feel jumpy and unsettled as we drive to the high school, and it's only made worse when we pull into the jammed parking lot and slowly follow the line of cars to the places at the very back to find a spot. Everywhere I look there are crowds of people in supporter gear, laughing and talking as they head towards the field. It's a much smaller school and community than in Rochester, but it seems like everyone loves high school football. It's Homecoming, and home is all I can think about as the sights and sounds and smells swirl around me.

Everyone else is cheerful and excited. Carlisle and Esme have their hands clasped between them as they stroll along the path towards the field, calling out greetings to a lot of people we pass by. Even Jasper and Edward are laughing with each other. I shove my hands deep in my pockets and follow them up through the stands until we find a row with enough space for the five of us.

The stands are loud with pre-game excitement, and under cover of all the noise Jasper leans towards me. "You okay, Rose?"

"I'm fine." He's not really looking at me and I follow his line of sight down to the field, to where the cheerleaders are warming up and milling around…_Alice. _

"What's really going on with you and Alice?" I ask him. "Do you like her? I mean, you're going to the dance with her, and you're always talking about what she says or what she thinks..."

Jasper shrugs, a small smile playing over his lips. "I don't know what's happening. Honestly Rose, I don't. The dance is just a group thing, we're going with Edward and Bella."

"Bella likes Edward," I tell him, and smirk as I watch his eyebrows arch in surprise. "So maybe there's more to this 'group' date than you think."

Jasper shrugs again, and I can see the idea doesn't really bother him. Maybe he is developing feelings for Alice, but if he is he's not going to tell me about them now. I resolve to pay more attention from now on and then sit back, scanning the crowd.

I don't realise that I'm subconsciously looking for Emmett until I see him fooling around with some friends on the other side of the field, his curly hair and broad shoulders standing out in the crowd. As I watch he bends his head low towards the girl sitting beside him, and I feel the acidic bite of jealousy as she puts her hand on his arm and laughs up into his face. Hastily I turn my eyes away.

Neil is down on the field with the coach. He's not playing today, and it's easy to see why. His nose is taped and even from up in the stands I can see the bruising on it, along with two black eyes. I know he's not looking in this direction but I slink a little lower in the seat anyway…I think I'm going to have to avoid him at school on Monday.

The teams run out and the game starts. The teams are quite evenly matched which makes it a reasonably good game, but I'm not watching the players. From the first moment they moved into position my eyes have remained trained on the cheerleaders, and I'm watching them with my heart aching because this was my world and now it's all gone. And maybe it was awful and brought the monsters into my life, and maybe I'm the one who ran away…but there were beautiful parts to it too and sitting here in the cold stands on a grey Forks afternoon I have to admit how much I miss it.

The Forks cheerleaders are not even that good. Individually some of the girls are okay – Alice is very good, I would have had her as a flyer on my squad – but the student population of Forks is so small compared to my school in Rochester that they just don't have the pool of talent to pull from. And we took cheering really seriously, competing in regional and state finals and even making nationals last year and that's not something they do here. Even so, I lean forward on my seat and watch them with fierce concentration, my heart racing as I remember what it was like to be out there.

Midway through the half-time show I've had enough. Carlisle and Esme have brought sodas and hotdogs and distributed them to the boys and I, so I give the left over half of my hotdog to Jasper and tell him I'm going to the bathroom. Pushing through the crowd I leave the stands and work my way past the concession stands and to an empty bench I can see a short distance away. With a sigh I sit down, pulling my legs up and hugging my knees. For a moment I rest my forehead against my knees, letting my hair fall forward until it obscures everything around me.

_I want to go home._

"You really don't like football then?" It's Emmett, standing in front of me with an enormous soda in one hand and half a hotdog in the other.

I shake my head. "It's not that." I remember the girl he was talking to earlier and say, "_You_ seemed to be enjoying yourself."

Emmett looks surprised by my bitchy tone. "The game's alright." He hesitates. "Mind if I sit?"

I shrug. "Go ahead. It's a free country." I want to roll my eyes at my own pettiness. I sound like a nine year old.

"Want a bite?" Emmett drops onto the bench beside me and offers me what's left of his hotdog, and then holds out his soda cup. "Or are you thirsty?"

"Thanks," I say, taking the soda and having a drink. "You can keep the hotdog though." I try to smile.

Emmett finishes the hotdog and then stretches his legs out before him. We can hear that the game is starting again, but neither of us make any move to go back.

"Won't your friends be wondering where you are?" I ask finally.

Emmett shrugs. "They'll survive. I know I'm great to have around, but they'll just have to make do with each other."

I laugh, shaking my head, but can't resist saying, "But what about _her?_ That girl you were talking to? She might not want to make do with someone else."

Emmett's eyes crinkle up and his dimples deepen with his smile. "I think she'll be quite happy with Brady. I mean, they've been going together since last year, so I guess she _must_ see something in him that I don't…"

"Ah." I feel both foolish and unaccountably pleased. "Well then."

There's a long silence, and I'm starting to squirm when Emmett says, "So what are you doing sitting out here? You really don't even want to be within viewing distance of a football game?"

I rest my chin in my knees. "I used to go to every football game," I tell Emmett slowly. "I was a cheerleader."

Emmett's eyebrows rise in surprise. "Really?" He sounds genuinely amazed.

"Yes!" I laugh, half insulted by his apparent shock. "Why is that so hard to believe?"

"Oh, don't get me wrong!" Emmett says hastily. "I mean, you'd look _really_ great in a cheerleader outfit and everyone would want to watch you, but you're not…you're a bit…well, you're not like Alice," he says, obviously trying to find the right words that will get across his meaning without insulting me. "You're not…_perky_ or cheerful like she is. I mean, you're kind of fierce…you seem like you'd be the sort of cheerleader who would jump the fence and punch people in the face for not cheering, you know?"

I laugh, half because it's funny and half because I just want to cover up the fact that I'm blushing because he's thought about what I would look like in a cheerleader outfit. "I'm a really good cheerleader! My squad made it to nationals last year and they voted me captain for this year…no one can keep up a smile while they're doing a tumbling run like I can!" I protest.

Emmett's eyes are bright. "That's something I'd like to see," he says wickedly.

"Well don't get your hopes up!" I say, but then my giggle turns shaky and for a brief moment I hide my face. "I guess things change though."

Emmett's face turns serious, and he slurps up the last of the soda before he says suddenly, "You want to get out of here? I've got the Jeep and I'll take you home if you want."

I hesitate. "You don't mind?"

Emmett smiles gently. "I can live without watching the end of this football game. And I came and watched Alice cheer, so Carlisle and Esme can't complain. Come on, let's go."

I just to my feet and follow him to the parking lot, sending a quick text to Jasper to tell him what I'm doing and that I'll see him at home. Emmett's Jeep is easy to spot, and I scramble up into the passenger seat and manage to fasten the harness without help.

"Thanks for this," I say, after several silent minutes of driving. I don't look at him as I talk. "I really didn't want to be there anymore."

"Do you miss it?" Emmett asks abruptly. "Cheerleading, going to games, your home…everything."

I hesitate, not sure how to answer this. "I miss some things," I say in a low voice. "But I didn't lose them because I came here…I came here because they were already lost. And there's no going back."

It comes back to me with dizzying clarity what it was like when it was me out there on the field, performing with the squad and hearing the crowd roar for us, then watching the football players come out and cheering the game. Kissing the quarterback because he was _my_ quarterback, and knowing that everyone in the stands was watching and all those girls were wishing they were me. I fold my arms across my chest and stare unseeingly out the window as we speed through the forest back to the Cullens' house.

"Thanks for the ride," I say, when we get back to the house, untangling myself from the harness. "I appreciate it."

"That's cool." Emmett shrugs. "Do you want to hang out? Watch a dvd or something?"

"Sure," I say slowly. "I'll just go upstairs and put on something more comfortable."

Emmett's eyes gleam with amusement. "By all means, go and slip into something more comfortable!"

I snort with laughter, and run upstairs. "I didn't mean it like that!" I call over my shoulder, shaking my head. I walked right into that one. But I take off my jeans and put on my fleecy pyjama pants with the rainbows and sheep on them, and my old grey thermal and tie my hair up into a ponytail. I want to be warm and cosy and comfortable, and it's just Emmett…I'm not trying to impress him.

Emmett can't believe I've never seen Ghostbusters and insists it's a cinematic classic that I can't possibly live without watching at some point. I humour him and agree to watch, but it turns out I actually like it a lot. Emmett, who has a sixth sense for ferretting out Esme's hidden snacks, finds us some things to eat, and the two of us are both stretched out on the sofa, laughing and eating caramel popcorn when the door bangs open and Jasper, Edward, Esme and Carlisle return.

"You're okay then, Rosalie?" Carlisle asks.

I nod. "Yes thanks. I'm fine. I was just a bit…yeah. Emmett offered to bring me home."

"Hey, Ghostbusters!" Jasper says enthusiastically. "Move up Rose, give me some space so I can watch too."

He nudges my foot and I swing round and sit up on the sofa so he can sit beside me. Emmett is propped up on one elbow and now that I'm sitting up like this his head is practically in my lap. My fingers itch with the desire to stroke the curly hair that looks so soft and appealing, but I put my hands under my thighs and lean a little closer to Jasper.

"Are you really okay?" he says in a low voice.

"I didn't want to watch anymore," I say, my voice equally as soft. "The cheering, the whole thing…it was too much." I meet his eyes briefly, and my voice drops to the lightest whisper. "I miss it, Jasper, I miss the way it was."

He places his hand, palm up, on the sofa between us and I place my hand in his with a sigh. _Thank you._ I wonder how it is he always knows so perfectly just what I need from him. For the rest of the movie I sit, my hand in Jasper's, and feeling the heat of Emmett close by on my other side. At least for a little while I'm safe and happy, and the nightmares recede a little.


	20. Chapter 20- A Night In

_Chapter 20-A Night In._

Alice and Bella arrive later. It turns out Forks actually won the game, and victory along with the prospect of the evening's dance has Alice nearly hysterical with excitement.

"Are you _sure_ you don't want to come, Rosalie?" Alice wheedles, sitting on top of Emmett on the sofa and beaming at me. "It's not too late to change your mind! We'll find you something to wear and…"

"Do I have to break _your_ nose?" I say in exasperation. "I don't want to go to the dance, Alice!"

Alice pouts, and then pokes Emmett who is lying passively beneath her while she perches on his back. "What about you? Made up your mind yet?"

"Not going," Emmett grunts. "I'm going to stay home."

"Good," Esme chimes in, coming in to the living room and smiling at him. "You can do a draft of that English work you didn't hand in on Friday and then I can go over it with you tomorrow."

Emmett buries his face in the sofa cushion with a groan, and Alice giggles and then drops a kiss on his curly hair. "Of course you're not going," she says archly. "Not _now_." And she gives me a pointed look that I studiously ignore.

"All of you should go into the kitchen and have some dinner," Esme tells them, holding up a hand to stifle protest as she adds, "Go on Alice, you'll still have plenty of time to get ready after you eat! I've made some spaghetti."

I don't hesitate. Esme's spaghetti is as good as everything else she cooks, and I don't think I'll ever get tired of home cooked meals. Back at home Jas and I are on first name terms with every local take out restaurant and their delivery people give _us_ Christmas cards.

As I eat I do wonder why Emmett's not going to the dance. Is Alice right, and it's because of me? This idea disturbs me, especially combined with the sharp stab of jealousy I felt earlier in the day when I thought he was with that girl at the football game. It's all such a mess! I can't deny, when I look at him laughing and teasing Edward, that I want him. I can't deny that earlier, both of lying on the sofa with our heads together while we shared the bowl of popcorn, I was acutely, tinglingly conscious of his physical proximity and that along with my relief that he didn't push anything there was an odd sense of disappointment that he didn't. All of that is me though…I don't want him to want me, because I know I'm never going to be able to give him what he will want. Losing my appetite I take what's left of my dinner and scrape it in to the garbage before I put my bowl in the dishwasher and head upstairs.

I read on my bed, only half listening to Bella and Alice talking in the bathroom as they get ready for the dance. Bella isn't in to the fancy make up and jewellery that Alice is pushing on her, but in the end she gives in and lets her do what she wants. I'm called in at the last minute to braid Bella's hair, which I do while Alice expertly paints her own face.

"You both look great," I say sincerely.

Bella gives me a grateful smile. "Thanks for the braid." She fiddles with a bracelet and makes a face at her reflection. "Alice, do I really need all this? Really?"

"Yes," Alice says firmly, hooking on a pair of earrings that could probably double as chandeliers they're so enormous. "And you look beautiful Bella! Don't you want Edward to open his eyes and look at you?" She snaps her mouth shut and gives me a sideways look as Bella's face flames red. "Rosalie won't let on," she says comfortingly.

"My lips are sealed," I say. "Have fun at the dance. Take care of Jasper." I meet Alice's eyes in the mirror and she gives me a wink so fast I almost miss it.

"Consider it done!" she trills, and then I leave the two of them to finish up their final preparations.

I'm happy enough not to be going to the dance, but when Alice, Bella, Jasper and Edward all leave the house, taking with them their noise and cheerfulness, I can't help the pang of emptiness I feel. When was the last time I ever missed a school dance? In fact, apart from the one occasion in eighth grade when I had the stomach flu and stayed home from the Spring Fling dance because I couldn't stop puking, I don't think I've ever been at home when there's been a dance on.

Feeling restless I wander downstairs. Emmett's on the sofa, surrounded by his notebooks and with a laptop open on the seat beside him, looking a little woebegone as Carlisle and Esme stand in front of him talking seriously. They break off when they see me, waving me forward when I hesitate. I don't want to get in the middle of something.

"Esme and I are going out for dinner," Carlisle says with a grin. "You and Emmett can look after yourselves, I'm sure."

"Behave," Esme says sternly, narrowing her eyes at Emmett. "I want that done tonight Emmett, I'm serious. I'll help you look over it tomorrow, but there needs to be something for me to work with."

"O-_kay_." Emmett says in sulky exasperation. "I get it! Just go and have fun and leave me to it!"

Carlisle and Esme laugh and vanish in the direction of the garage, and I drift closer and look down at Emmett's books. "What are you doing?" I ask, squinting at his notebook. His handwriting is horrendous and I can barely make out a word he's scrawled down.

Emmett curses. "English. I was supposed to have these questions about the book done on Friday and I didn't. So Esme wants me to do them tonight so tomorrow she can go over them and tell me how wrong I am and then I'll redo them." He doesn't look at me when he talks, and I can see that his ears have gone a dull red, a sure sign he's embarrassed.

"What's the book?" Without waiting for an answer I perch on the sofa and dig out the book I can see half buried under his notebook and the loose sheets of paper. "Oh, Lord of the Flies. We did this in tenth grade." I pick up the handout that Emmett's been given and scan the questions. "This doesn't look too bad."

"Oh, go away," Emmett grumbles, and it's crankier than I've ever heard him. "Bully for you that it's so easy. Meanwhile I don't even know what's fucking happening!"

It bothers me seeing him so unhappy. I miss his dimples… "Let me help you."

He shakes his head. "No, don't worry about it. I'll write some shit and Esme will wonder how much more of a dumbass I can be and fix it up tomorrow."

"I'm not worrying about it," I say. "But I really would like to help you." I look at him. "Please…you're always doing things for me." For a moment he looks undecided, and then I giggle and say teasingly, "I'll show you some cheering!"

Emmett throws back his head and laughs. "Let me get this straight- you are going to do my homework with me and then show me your cheering ability?"

I shrug. "Why not? You didn't really look all that convinced that you think I can smile! And I _do_ want to help you," I add, flipping the pages of the book between my thumb and forefinger. "You've done so many things for me since I came here."

"Okay," Emmett sighs and gives in. "But I'm telling you, I'm really thick and I don't know what this book is going on about. I know there are some kids on an island and they're picking on the little fat kid. And there's a shell. And something in the jungle." He slumps further down on the sofa. "That's all I've got."

"Well, you've got the basics down," I say lightly. "Really, you've picked out some of the most important ways the author symbolises his main themes, so it's a pretty good start."

Emmett is more intelligent than he gives himself credit for, and with some guided questioning he comes to a reasonable understanding of the text. He struggles a little when he has to translate his thoughts on to paper and I can see his frustration increasing, but he stubbornly ploughs on to get it finished.

I find myself watching Emmett as he works, noting the way he bites his knuckles when he's agitated and the way his tongue catches between his teeth as he concentrates. I love the way he becomes so absorbed in what he's doing, even this homework that he didn't want to do. I can't help but notice how relaxed I am too, sitting cross legged on the sofa facing him while I help and tease in equal measures, still wearing my sheep pyjama pants and grey thermal that are comfortable but definitely not flattering.

"Okay, done," Emmett announces, slamming his laptop shut before I can make him go back and check all his spelling and grammar. "I'll spellcheck it tomorrow." He looks over at me a little awkwardly and says gruffly. "Thanks for your help…it was good."

"I did tutoring for my community service project last year," I tell him. "Everyone had to do one so I went to an after-school program for disadvantaged kids." I remember how much I'd hated it at the start, resenting the time away from my own activities and interests, until I'd got to know some of the kids by helping them with their homework and teaching the little kids some fun cheer moves.

"Well, you're good at explaining this shit," Emmett says cheerfully, piling his things haphazardly on the coffee table. "I'm sure Esme will be pleased, she has to be getting sick of doing high school English again with the family dumbass."

"Don't say that," I say, pushing him gently on the shoulder. "You're better than you think, you know." I climb off the sofa and stretch. "I'm going to get some ice cream. Do you want some?"

"I do, but I want something else first," Emmett grins at me wickedly. "I believe you promised to show me the perky cheerleader version of your charming self?"

I laugh in embarrassment. "You're going to hold me to that?"

"Absolutely I am," Emmett says. "So come on, Rosalie, get out your pom poms and show me your stuff."

"Oh whatever," I say recklessly. "Come on downstairs." It might be stupid, but after watching Alice and her squad today my body is twitching with the desire to _do_ something.

We're both laughing as we go downstairs. Emmett flings himself down on the weight bench and I look for Alice's pom poms, figuring I may as well do something fun.

"Aww, no cheerleader outfit?" Emmett says in mock disappointment, and I snort and throw a pom pom at his face.

"Don't push your luck," I say, tightening up the drawstring on my pyjamas and briefly wishing I was wearing a better bra. "This is not something I thought I'd ever be doing as it is."

"I promise I'll behave," Emmett says solemnly, picking up the pom pom and tossing it back to me. He folds his hands in his lap and grins up at me innocently.

I shake my head at him and laugh, flipping back my hair and bouncing up on my toes. "Okay…I'm going to show you that I can be as perky and cheer inspiring as the next girl," I say, and then plaster on a manic grin and launch into the routine we used to use for tryouts. It's fun and showy and I finish with a tumbling run landing in a split because that always looks good, and I don't stop smiling and flicking my hair in my best cheerleader way. And when I'm done, looking up at Emmett who stamps his feet and hollers at me in approval, I start laughing all over again.

"I'm sorry I doubted you!" he says.

I bounce to my feet and throw the pom poms at him. "I told you so!"

Emmett grins. "How long have you been doing that stuff?"

"I started ballet when I was three," I say, rising up into an arabesque. "I went to gymnastics from when I was around eight, and I went to a cheer camp when I was twelve which started that." I shrug. "I loved cheering. That was pretty much my focus after that."

"How come you didn't try out for the squad here?" Emmett asks curiously.

I throw Alice's pompoms back where I found them, and start heading up the stairs. "Trying out for the squad here…I didn't want to. I mean, I don't think your dad would have let me, with my skull and all, but I wouldn't have anyway. It's all different now." I shake my head and turn to Emmett. Standing a few steps above him I can look him straight in the eye. "It's not something I can really talk about though." _Please don't ask me questions. _

Emmett nods thoughtfully. "Okay. You were pretty amazing though…worth going through that damned Lord of the Flies for!" He winks at me, and then gestures up the stairs. "Let's go and have that ice cream now. There's a Ghostbusters sequel that we've got to get through tonight!"

So that's what we do. Stretch out on opposite ends of the sofa and eat ice cream and laugh while we watch a movie, and I feel more comfortable and relaxed than I have since I've been here. For all those crazy undercurrents of feelings…I think Emmett is my friend.


	21. Chapter 21- Broken and Damaged

_Chapter 21- Broken and Damaged._

The dreams are always the same. Darkness and cold. Sometimes I feel the pain, blooming through my body and exploding in my head, and sometimes there is no pain but that of anticipation because I know it's coming. Either way is horrible. Always, always there is laughter, jeering and mocking and ripe with menace.

"Rosalie…Rosalie, wake up baby, it's okay…"

For a minute I don't know where I am and I would scream if the iron bands of terror wrapped around my ribs would let me take in enough air. I scramble on to my hands and knees, hating the choking noises of fear that I can hear coming from me, hating myself for this whimpering, cowering reaction to an imaginary threat.

I'm on the sofa. I must have fallen asleep watching the movie and now it's finished, because the menu screen is on and it's that that's illuminating the living room and the anxious face of Emmett, who slides off the sofa and crouches at my side.

"It's okay," he repeats, his voice low and soothing. "You're awake now, you fell asleep watching the movie. It's just a bad dream baby, that's all."

I try to calm down, try to force air into my constricted lungs so that I can breathe, listening to the harsh rasping gasps. Emmett doesn't touch me, but he's very close and I can see that way his hands keep making fists and then releasing them as he forces himself to keep his distance.

"Do you want me to get someone?" he asks. "Dad? Or Jasper?"

I shake my head frantically but don't speak. Even if I had the air for words, I'm scared to start making a sound in case I start screaming.

"Slow down," Emmett says softly, his voice like a caress in the dimness. "It's going to be okay Rosalie, you're fine. Just breathe, that's right baby…just breathe."

I wonder if he knows that he keeps calling me baby. I wonder if he knows how much I like it.

Finally the terror recedes and I start breathing a little easier. Closing my eyes in defeat I slide down onto the sofa, curled up in a ball as the tears leak from underneath my closed lashes. "I'm sorry…" I breathe. "I hate this." It's only in the aftermath of the nightmares that I ever cry like this.

Emmett doesn't reply but a moment later I feel the sofa cushion dip a little as he sits at my head, and then I feel his fingers, impossibly gentle, stroking across my hair. "It doesn't matter."

The terror gone and the adrenaline fading, I'm overcome with a powerful wave of lassitude. The idea of climbing the stairs and getting into bed seems completely unachievable. In fact, the idea of doing anything but staying curled up right here on the sofa with Emmett's hands rhythmically stroking my hair is appalling. I wipe my face on my sleeve, but the tears keep on coming.

"Don't go anywhere." Emmett moves off the sofa and pulls open one of the storage ottomans, digging out one of the crocheted blankets that Esme stores in there. He drapes it over me, the heavy cotton fabric settling over me like a hug, and then sits back down at my head, giving me a handful of tissues. He flips over to the tv and for a little while the only sound is the low murmur of the television, broken by my occasional hiccupping sob or sniff. Emmett doesn't stop stroking my hair, and in my sleepiness I realise I don't want him to stop.

"You know what this reminds me of?" he says softly. I can hear the lilt of amusement in his voice. "It reminds me of when I first came to the Cullens. Every night Carlisle and Esme would put me to bed in Edward's room, then as soon as they'd gone I'd get up and go into Alice's room and talk to her until she fell asleep and then I'd go downstairs. Alice and I had always slept with a tv on in our room and I couldn't sleep in the quiet. So I'd go into the living room and lie down on the sofa, and then Carlisle would pretend not to notice me squirming my way up until I was close enough to him that he could rub my head. Just like this. The tv would be on, so low I could hardly hear it, and he'd rub my head until I fell asleep. Sometimes he'd fall asleep too, and Esme would find the two of us in the morning both still on the sofa, with me curled up in Carlisle's lap."

I give a laugh, shaky and weak, but at least there are no tears anymore. "I'm not getting in your lap, Emmett."

I can feel him shaking with his own laughter. "Aww, Rosalie, you're killing me."

I sit up and wipe my face again. "Did you have nightmares?"

"No. Alice did sometimes. I just couldn't sleep when it was so quiet." Emmett yawns. "After a little while Carlisle and Esme bought bunk beds so Alice could share the room with me and Edward, and they let me sleep up top with a radio on and I was okay after that."

"I wish it were that easy." I don't realise I've said it aloud until I see the look on Emmett's face. "Look, forget about it. I'm fine," I say quickly.

"You're not fine," Emmett says soberly. "But you're okay Rosalie, and that's good enough for now."

Slowly I lie back down on the sofa, pulling the blanket up to my shoulders and closing my eyes against the light from the television. Maybe he's right. And the fact that he accepts me as I am, flawed and broken and struggling and all…at least someone does.

~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~

"So how are you? What's been happening in the last week?" Kari looks at me expectantly.

"Nothing much." I've got my hair out today, and I wrap a small section around my finger and curl it. I wonder how much Kari and Carlisle talk about me, when they see each other at the hospital. I know she's not supposed to talk about anything I tell her in here, but there are no rules about what Carlisle can tell her. "I got suspended from school," I say, a little unwillingly.

"Well that sounds a bit out of the ordinary. What happened?" Kari asks, her pen already busy. I wish I knew what she was writing.

"I hit someone," I tell her. "It was a guy from my class, I punched him and I broke his nose so they suspended me for three days." I look over at her notebook. "What do you keep writing?" I ask abruptly.

Kari looks up and says lightly. "Nothing sinister, I promise. I like to keep track of our sessions as they're going along- I make notes on what we're talking about, what you say, any connections that I see or things that I want to come back to and look at more closely or explore in more depth. This way before I see you next time I can take a look to refresh my memory and give me some idea about what we should be doing in the next session. I also like to make a note of your body language and all the things you're telling me without words. Like right now…I think you're probably asking me questions because you'd like to avoid talking about what happened at school." She gives me an easy smile.

I scowl in return. "That's not why I asked. I just wanted to know."

"Fair enough. So you won't mind telling me a bit more about this person you hit, and why you did it?"

I comb my fingers through the curled section of hair, straightening it out. It occurs to me that Kari no doubt sees my constant playing with my hair as another way of avoiding dealing with her which, I have to admit, is probably true. Unfortunately it's also really, _really_ bad for my hair- I'm going to end up with so many split ends if I have to keep going to therapy and don't learn to stop fiddling with it. I fold my hands in my lap and look out the window instead.

"His name is Neil," I say. "And I hit him because he's an asshole and I was angry."

There's a long silence before Kari says mildly, "You can do better than that, Rosalie. Why were you angry with him?"

I sigh. "He wanted me to go to the Homecoming dance with him. He acted like it was just a given that I'd go with him and that I'd be thrilled to go out with him, even though I've never done anything that would make him think that." I can feel my anger rise. "Ever since I moved here he's been hanging around, acting like there's something between us that there's not. And then he was carrying on as though he's entitled to something from me!"

"I can see why that would make you angry," Kari says.

"He got angry," I say quietly. "He was angry that I'd said no to him. He started calling me names and saying things to get me mad or hurt, and I just…" My voice trails away.

"Did you feel threatened?" Kari suggests.

"Maybe." I don't even realise that my hands are back in my hair again until I feel the pull on my scalp.

"What kind of things was he saying?" Kari asks.

"He was calling me names- said everyone calls me the ice queen and says what a bitch and a tease I am. Nothing I haven't heard before. Then he told me that everyone's saying I'm…I'm sleeping with Emmett and Edward or something like that. That was just…" I wind my hair around my fingers and struggle to explain. "I was so angry about that, but it wasn't just that…I was…I don't know." How to explain that sense of revulsion, the sudden spike of memory that turned anger into fear?

"I didn't think he was going to do anything to me there- we were sitting in the school gym for god's sake!," I say at last, "And honestly, I don't think Neil is really like that- he's obnoxious but I'm pretty sure it's all just bluster. But it reminded me of…of Royce. _He_ would get angry when I did something he didn't like, and he accused me of doing things with other boys and I don't…I'm never doing that again. I'm not getting involved in that kind of thing again. I can't."

"Royce is…?"

How do I answer that? "He was my boyfriend," I say at last.

"Can you tell me about him?"

"No." I'm finding it hard to breathe.

"When Neil reminded you of Royce, you hit him. That indicates some pretty strong feelings, Rosalie."

"No." I can feel the familiar, hated bands of anxiety tightening around my chest and constricting my breathing. "I don't want to talk about him." Kari says nothing and I struggle to keep it together. I don't want to talk about Royce. If I open up about that subject and fall down that rabbit hole there's no knowing where it will end. "Please…you said I didn't have to talk about things I don't want to." I hate the note of terrified begging that has crept into my voice.

"Okay Rosalie, we can leave that for now." Kari scribbles in her notebook, and I comb my fingers through my hair, focussing on the feel of the silky strands running over my skin to stop the memories that are threatening to overwhelm me. "Take some deep breaths and try to relax. We won't worry about Royce today. What happened after you hit Neil?"

I close my eyes and take a deep breath. "Emmett pulled me away," I say tiredly. "Neil was bleeding – a lot – and the coach came over and sent us to the principal. Carlisle came down and sent Neil to the hospital to get his nose looked at, and he called Esme to come and pick me up."

"What did Carlisle and Esme have to say? Your dad?"

"Carlisle was worried that I'd flipped out. Mentally I mean. Esme was just all upset that I'd hurt myself and brought me ice packs and fussed over my hand." I clench my fist and look down at the bruises still shadowing my knuckles.

"What about your father?"

"He was angry," I say stiffly. "I rang and told him and he yelled a lot. Said if I got in trouble here I'd have to go back to Rochester. He doesn't understand anything."

"Would you say you don't get along with your father very well?"

I laugh mirthlessly. "You could say that." I look out the window. "He was okay when my mom was alive. He worked a lot, but she made him spend time at home too. After she died he worked all the time and Jas and I barely saw him. Now…" I hesitate. What I'm about to say is something that is like a splinter under my skin, causing pain and festering, but hidden and I'm not sure I want to bring it out to the light here with Kari. "I can't stand to be near him," I say quietly. "When he looks at me now, I see it in his eyes…he doesn't see _me_ anymore. He sees what they did to me. He sees the victim, the broken and damaged…and I hate it. How can I pretend to be something else if the people around me won't look past it?"


	22. Chapter 22- Wrestling Match

_Chapter 22- Wrestling Match._

"Rosalie please come with me," Alice, lying across my bed, props her chin on her hands and gazes at me imploringly.

I'm at my desk doing homework. "I'm kind of busy."

"You can't make me go by myself! It's wrestling- it's excruciatingly embarrassing to be there!" Alice gives me a tragic look.

"You're really not selling it Alice," I murmur, checking the last answer in my math and closing the book.

Alice is pouting. "Please, Rosalie? Mom and Dad are making me go so I can 'support' Emmett or something…please come with me. It'll be fun if we're there together! It's just a practice thing against the kids from the reservation school and some other small high school, so we can check out all the good looking boys." Alice bats her eyelashes at me. "Come on, it's Friday night…you've got all weekend to do your homework."

"Okay," I sigh, giving in. Alice is surprisingly hard to resist. "I'll come with you."

"Oh, thank you!" she says fervently. "Honestly, it won't be that bad- some of the Quileutes are _so_ gorgeous – and I don't think they have someone for all the weight classes so it won't go too long. It will be so much better to be there together!" She bounces to her feet and heads towards the bathroom, but at the last minute she stops and gives me a devilish grin that makes her look surprisingly like her brother. "And of course," she adds casually, "You'll get to watch Emmett in his singlet."

Laughing gleefully she disappears into the bathroom, leaving me shaking my head. But I'm glad she's not there to see the smirk I can't suppress. I have more than a suspicion that Emmett Cullen in his wrestling gear is going to be worth looking at.

I half wish I'd stayed home when I enter the gym with Alice, Carlisle, Esme and Edward though. It smells overwhelmingly masculine, and everywhere I look there are boys in various states of undress. I can feel the anxiety rising a little, and I'm glad when Alice leads our way up into the stands and I can sit down and settle myself. She's talkative and giggly, and I find myself responding, the two of us more like friends than we have been before.

"Hey, you're here!"

Emmett comes bounding up the steps, and I know nothing on earth is going to hide the blush that's flooding my face now. God, where am I supposed to _look?_ It doesn't help when he jumps onto the seat in front of us and starts talking to Carlisle that his groin is right at eye level. I duck my head, letting my hair fall between me and Emmett, and catch Alice's eye as she dissolves into hysterical giggling.

"For goodness sake, how old are you two? Twelve?" Edward says contemptuously from where he's sitting behind us, doing something on his phone.

Alice is laughing helplessly, completely out of control, and it's infectious. I snort and hide my face, trying to get a grip before I completely embarrass myself. Biting my lip I look up, only to see Emmett standing before me and looking at Alice and I with amused tolerance.

"Enjoying yourselves?" he enquires sweetly. "You might want to calm down Rosalie…we haven't even started all that rolling around and groping that you were so keen on."

"Something to look forward to then," I say with a choking laugh.

I hear someone calling Emmett's name and he looks out in to the gym and raises a hand briefly, before he turns back to Alice and I and says, "I'll try not to disappoint you." He shoves his mouthguard in and gives us a gruesome looking grin around it. "See you later."

The back view of Emmett in Spandex…I look at Alice and raise my eyebrows in exaggerated awe, and she elbows me in the ribs and covers her face. "He's my brother!"

"He's not mine though," I murmur, and then the two of us giggle again as Esme shakes her head at us indulgently.

I don't enjoy the actual wrestling very much. It's quite controlled and there are a lot of rules, which Alice explains to me amidst her giggles, but some of the boys approach it like they're tributes in the Hunger Games and the noise of flesh against flesh makes me cringe. I cope until someone gets a bloody nose, and although I don't react outwardly I guess they know me now, because Esme passes me over some money and asks if I'll go and buy some drinks. Despite the anger I feel at myself for this weakness I'm grateful to her, and I jump rapidly down from the bleachers and head over to the table where they're selling sodas and bottled juices.

"Hey, Rosalie."

I turn into the queue and find myself looking into the dark eyes of Leah Clearwater, who gives me a slightly sardonic smile.

"Oh, hi!" I say, surprised. "What are you doing here?"

Leah gestures vaguely over towards where the Quileute team gathers when they're not competing. "Seth joined the team this year."

"Enjoying the eye candy then?" I ask, handing over my money and taking five bottles of juice.

Leah snorts. "These children? No. It might have been a while for me, but I'm not getting that desperate yet." Her eyes linger on the Forks team for a moment and then she grins at me as she concedes, "There are one or two that aren't completely hideous though, I will grant that."

I follow her gaze, and of course she's looking at Emmett. He's standing with his back to us but he stands out in the crowd, taller and broader than the other boys, his curly dark hair sticking up through the headgear, and his thighs and that ass… I force my eyes away and see Leah looking at me, amused.

"You've got your eye on him then?"

I toss my hair back, hoping I'm not going to start blushing. "That's Emmett Cullen," I say evasively.

"Oh, Alice's brother?" Leah raises her eyebrows. "I wouldn't have guessed that. Clearly he got all the height going in that family."

My lips twitch. I have found it slightly amusing that Emmett's over six feet tall and Alice is lucky if she reaches five feet. "I have to take these juices back to the family," I say, figuring that the blood is probably mopped up by now. "Do you…are you here by yourself? You could come and sit with me for a while. If you want to."

"I will," Leah says, surprising me. "Just let me grab a coffee." She pays for her coffee and then comes and stands beside me, saying a little awkwardly, "Thanks. I'm really not into this kind of thing. I didn't know that Seth was either, honestly. But Dad used to wrestle when he was in school and he's helped out with the high school wrestling program for years, so I guess Seth thought this was a way to feel close to him."

"That happens sometimes, when a parent dies," I say slowly. I'm not sure if I really want to share any of the raw, tender places in my life with Leah, but she's looking at me with a kind of dark eyed intensity that invites honesty. "My mom wanted me to be a model," I go on hesitantly. "I suppose I _was_ a model, when I was a child…until she got sick she used to take me to castings and jobs and keep up my portfolio. It stopped when she was too sick, but after she died I entered one of those modelling contests, not because I wanted to be a model anymore, but because I thought it would have made her happy."

Leah nods thoughtfully. "That sounds like what Seth's doing. So…did you win?"

"Win what?"

"The modelling contest," Leah says impatiently. "You did, didn't you?"

I roll my eyes. "Yes, I did. I won a photo shoot and an interview with an agency- I did the photos but I didn't go to the interview because by then I'd realised it didn't matter what my mom would have thought about it, I was the one who was going to have to do it and I didn't want to."

"Fair enough." Leah looks around the gym. "So why are _you _here anyway? I came because Seth really wanted someone from the family to come tonight, but Mom was offered an extra shift at the hospital and we really need the money. So I said I'd come, but…" She makes a face.

I make a sympathetic face back. "Yeah…_wrestling._" Both of us laugh, and I lead the way back towards the Cullens. "I came to keep Alice company," I tell Leah. "Carlisle and Esme are really big on family things, apparently, so she had to come and she persuaded me I really needed to come too."

Leah raises her eyebrows sceptically. "Oh yeah? And the fact that you can't seem to keep your eyes away from that Cullen gorilla out there in his skivvies doesn't have anything to do with it, does it?"

We're nearly back at the Cullens so I ignore that, hoping no one heard, and handed out the drinks, giving Esme back the change. "This is Edward, Esme and Carlisle, and you know Alice," I say casually, not sure who knows who. "This is Leah Clearwater, everyone."

"Leah, hi," Carlisle says. "How's your mom?"

"She's fine. Working at the hospital tonight."

"Leah honey, I was so sorry to hear about your dad," Esme says sincerely. "We sent some flowers. I hope things are going okay now."

"Yes, we got them thank you," Leah says awkwardly. "We're a bit behind on the thank you notes I guess…"

"Oh goodness, don't worry about that!" Esme exclaims. "Just worry about your family, and taking care of yourself. Now, is your brother in this tonight?"

Leah points out Seth, who looks young and excited as he warms up on the edge of the group. He's scanning the stands looking for her, looking more anxious as his match approaches, and when he finally sees her sitting beside me he gives her a big enthusiastic wave.

"God, I hope he doesn't get crushed," Leah mutters, sitting back down. "He's had like, two training sessions. And he's right at the bottom of the weight class so his opponent could be huge."

I think it's cute how protective she is of her little brother. I always thought it might be nice to have a protective older sibling- I had Jasper but I started going through puberty at ten and everyone thought I was older than him until he finally grew taller than me when we were both fifteen.

Leah stays and talks for a while. She's funny, with a sharp, biting wit that makes me laugh, and has a kind of blunt honesty that I like. I'm so tired of people who gossip and bitch and backstab and pretend to be something they're not…it's so much easier to be around someone who isn't putting on a mask.

Seth acquits himself well and wins his match. I guess all the work in the garage with Jake has given him some muscle. Leah leaves to find him after that, but not before Alice invites her to her Halloween party.

"We're having a Halloween party?" I say, disconcerted. "At our house?"

"Yes!" Alice says brightly. "It's going to be brilliant! I'm inviting Jacob and your brother, Leah, and the other guys that have been working on Rosalie's car…promise you'll come too. And dress up!"

Leah looks a little pained at the command to dress up in costume, but she doesn't outright refuse Alice's invitation. Instead she says she'll see what's going on and she'll let Alice know, but that she's sure Seth will love the idea.

Emmett's match is one of the last ones and I start to feel sick as it approaches. Despite his size and obvious strength he's never been anything but gentle at home, and the thought of watching him involved in violence and glorying in it makes my stomach turn. But when the time comes it isn't anything like I feared. Emmett's serious and focussed, but he doesn't snarl like an animal like his opponent does, and he pins him with such ease that it looks almost mild.

I also, I have to admit, find myself so distracted by the way his muscles look when he's in action that I probably wouldn't notice if he ripped off his opponent's head, as long as he keeps flexing. I am very careful _not_ to look at Alice.

Emmett wins, and as he bounces up to his feet he spits his mouthguard out into one hand while shaking his opponents hand with the other. He says something and both of them smile and nod at each other, and I find myself relaxing. It's still the Emmett I know, still the same boy who bought me peanut butter ice cream and soothed away my nightmares. And _damn_ but he's good to look at!

"Well, I guess you're not _too_ sorry I convinced you to come," Alice murmurs smugly, and I just laugh. Watching Emmett and talking with Leah…it's been an interesting evening and no, I'm not sorry I came.


	23. Chapter 23- Halloween

_A/N – Happy Halloween everyone! Thank you to everyone reading and messaging/ reviewing…I'm glad to know that people who like my vampire girl are enjoying here being a bit more human and fragile too. I had this chapter planned for ages (I always thought the idea of the Cullens celebrating Halloween was kind of amusing) and it's conveniently ready ON Halloween…enjoy their party!_

* * *

_Chapter 23- Halloween._

I'm working out down in the basement when I first notice the scent. Pumpkins. I ignore it, doing my cool down routine at the barre and watching myself in the mirror, noting with satisfaction that the hard work is paying off and I'm starting to look toned again. I pull up my t shirt for a minute to see how my abs are looking.

"Looking good."

Mortified I yank my t-shirt back down and whirl around to see Emmett smiling at me angelically. "Go away!"

"Awww, come on, I'm just teasing," Emmett says contritely. "I'm sorry."

"What do you want?" I ask, finding my water bottle and taking a long drink. They usually leave me alone when I'm down here, and Emmett's sudden appearance has me ratted.

"Carlisle's come home with the pumpkins so we're doing jack-o-lanterns," Emmett explains. "Alice wants lots of them for her party. Come join in."

At the top of the stairs I pause for a moment, taking in the scene in the kitchen. Jasper, Alice, Edward, Esme and Carlisle are all gathered around the newspaper covered table, talking and laughing as they work on their pumpkins, looking like an illustration for the perfect family Halloween activity. Carlisle drops another slimy handful of pumpkin seeds and guts onto the newspaper and waves me forward.

"Come on Rosalie, pick yourself out a pumpkin!"

Alice has already gutted her pumpkin and is sketching on it lightly with a pencil. "They're going to be such good party decorations!" She smiles at me and picks up a knife to start her carving.

Carving the pumpkins is fun, and I love the results. I've never been creative, so I stick with the traditional and carve a classic jack-o-lantern face with triangular eyes and nose and a square toothed smile. Carlisle and Jasper's efforts are much the same. On the other hand, Alice and Esme and Edward are amazingly artistic, and carve theirs into a beautiful Halloween kitty and haunted house and skull. Emmett breaks me up in laughter with his pumpkin face that has crazy, crooked eyes, a mouthful of jagged spiky teeth and quizzically arched eyebrows.

The jack-o-lanterns are only the beginning of Alice's elaborate plans for party decorations. By the time she's finished bullying all the rest of us into making her visions reality, the Cullen house is a kind of Halloween wonderland.

My friends at school are pretty much limited to my own brother and the three Cullens I live with so I have nothing to do with the invitations, but Alice gives new meaning to the word popularity and I think half the school plans on turning up for the party. Even Neil, whose nose is almost back to normal but who hasn't spoken a word to me since, forgets that he hates me and tells me that he'll see me at my place on the weekend when we leave school Friday afternoon.

By the time I'm starting to dress for the party, I'm nearly as excited as Alice. I always loved parties- dressing up, flirting, drinking and dancing and being in the centre of a crowd, knowing I look good and that people are noticing – and it's been such a long time since I've been to one.

"Let me do your hair!" Alice begs, flitting into the bathroom as I'm peering into the mirror applying makeup.

Alice is dressed up like a gypsy fortune teller in a long flowing skirt and embroidered peasant blouse, with bunches of bangles clinking on her arms and giant hoop earrings swinging below the red scarf that's tied around her hair. Her eyes, outlined in black, look enormous and they're gleaming with excitement.

"You look _gorgeous_," Alice says fervently. "And this costume is so perfect," she adds with a giggle.

I give her a wicked smile. When Neil told me they all call me the ice queen he meant to hurt me, but the truth is I liked the idea. Icy, untouchable, strong…I want that to be me, and for tonight it's going to be. I'm wearing a silver and white ballet costume edged with white fur, white tights and my pointe shoes…the costume from the snow queen. Alice pins my hair up into an artful arrangement of curls adorned with silver snowflakes, and then I carefully place the delicate silver and rhinestone tiara. Perfect.

I can't help dancing as I go down the hall to Jasper's room. I know the ballet shoes are ridiculous for a party and I'm going to be crippled by the end of the evening, but I look beautiful and I can smell the party food heating in the oven and hear the music that Alice already started downstairs. I twirl into Jasper's bedroom and come to rest on one foot, my other leg held high up by my head.

"Show-off," Jasper says good-naturedly. "You look happy."

I laugh and flitter over to him. "I am! And you look great…where did you get this?"

"Ebay," Jasper says, tugging at the neck of the Civil-war era military uniform he's got on. "It's a bit tight…are you sure I look okay?"

"You look gloriously tall and handsome and military," I say sincerely. "I'm sure Alice will admire you."

Jasper looks at me sideways. "You think?"

I giggle. "Yes, I do…so nothing has happened between you two yet?"

"Not yet," Jasper says, giving away his intentions. He seems distracted though, and a moment later he says hesitantly, "While we're talking about this Rosalie, I've seen you looking at Emmett and…"

"No!" I put my hand over his mouth and shake my head. "We're not talking about me, and we're not talking about Emmett….really Jas, don't." I give him a pleading look, and he sighs and relents.

"Okay, I won't. But…be careful Rosie."

"Aren't I always?" I say a thread of bitterness underlying the flippancy. "Come on soldier Hale, let's go down and join the party."

"_Major_ Hale, thank you," Jasper says with a grin, taking my arm and escorting me downstairs.

Alice is taking photographs in the living room, Edward wearing a very sharp suit and hat sitting at the piano and smouldering at her. "What are you meant to be?" I ask.

"1920's jazz pianist," Edward says, as though it should be obvious.

I laugh and pose for Alice, who snaps pictures of Jasper and I together and then separately. I offer to take a photo for her next, and then order to get in a picture with Jasper, noting with satisfaction the way she stands so close to him and Jasper lays a hand lightly on her back. I'm taking a photo of the three of them when someone snarls behind me, and the last photo is nothing but a blur as I shriek and just about jump out of my skin.

"Emmett!" Alice scolds, but Edward and Jasper are laughing and even I'm trying to hide a grin as I turn to glare at him.

"You jackass!" I say, but I'm looking at him in his black trousers and white dress shirt, the black cloak with red silk lining swirling from his shoulders, and there's no heat in my tone. And when he smiles at me, all dimples and plastic fangs, he's the most adorable vampire in the world and I think I could look at that smile forever. My belly flutters as his blue eyes scan me from the top of my rhinestone studded tiara to the tip of my white satin pointe shoes and then move slowly back up. He's not smiling when he meets my eyes again, but it's not hard to read the look on his face and I pivot away from him so that he won't see the blush heating up my cheeks.

"Will you help me light the pumpkins?" Alice asks, nearly quivering with excitement. "I'll do the ones downstairs if you'll do the ones out on the porch and the front steps, Rose? And Edward, can you do the ones in here?"

I nod and take the lighter Alice holds out, hurrying out to the front porch where she's arranged the carved pumpkins on the steps. I light them, loving the way they look with the firelight flickering in the evening dimness. I guess we're too far out of town for trick-or-treaters, and I feel a momentary pang. Once I got too old to go out on Halloween myself I loved dressing up and handing out candy and seeing all the little kids in their costumes.

I don't realise Emmett has followed me until I turn and start going back up the steps and see him in the doorway. He doesn't move when I reach him. "Trick or treat," I say lightly, and I'm rewarded with a fanged, dimpled smile.

"I don't have any candy," he tells me. "But there are other kinds of treats…would you accept those?" With the plastic fangs in he sounds like he has a lisp.

I shake my head.

Emmett sighs mournfully. "Oh well. It'll have to be trick."

"I'll think of something," I say with a laugh. "You'd better watch out."

"Oh, I will…" For a moment Emmett looks uncertain, and then he takes a quick breath and says, "I just wanted to tell you…you look beautiful tonight."

I can hardly breathe, but this time it's in a _good_ way. He thinks I'm beautiful. I don't say anything to him, but I smile and look at him and I wonder what it is that he's doing to me, and how he can make me feel like this.

The two of us are just standing there, looking at each other, and I don't know what's going to happen but before anything else can there's the noise of a car on the driveway and the party begins.

I have a wonderful time. Dressed up as the snow queen, feeling strong and graceful and beautiful, it's easy to step outside of myself and forget about my problems. My demons seem very small and far away as I laugh and dance and drift through the crowds of people, pleasurably conscious of how pretty I am tonight. I don't seek Emmett out but I'm aware, always, of where he is and the way his blue eyes follow me when I am near him.

"Hey, it's ballerina Barbie tonight."

I don't even need to turn around. "Hey Leah." I finish pouring myself a drink and then turn to her and smile. "Oh, you're not in costume," I tease, because she's dressed up like a witch in a long black dress and tall, pointed hat.

"Oh, in with the classic jokes there Barbie doll…at least both of us are sticking to type." Leah grins back, and I realise with a little start of surprise that the two of us really are becoming almost friends.

"I'm the snow queen," I tell her, offering her a bowl of pretzels. "I'm glad you came."

Leah looks around. "Seth really wanted to," she says. "And it's a pretty good party- you're right about the house, it's amazing."

It is a great house for a party. There's music and dancing in the basement rec room, and lots of space in the kitchen and living area for people to sit or mingle and talk. Esme and Carlisle are in their room, ready to intervene if there's trouble but quite content to stay out the way if there's not.

"Where is Seth?" I ask.

Leah rolls her eyes. "With the food, where else? You should go and say hi to him, he's been working really hard with Jake on your car. I think he's quite sweet on you actually."

I giggle, because Seth Clearwater is so young and innocent that there's nothing threatening in that, and I follow Leah into the living area where Seth and Jacob and his friends are scoffing down plates of sausage rolls and having a whale of a time.

"Rosalie!" Seth, wearing regular clothes but with a plastic knife apparently stuck through his head, jumps up so quickly he spills some of his drink out on his jeans, much to the amusement of his friends. He does his best to ignore them and smiles at me happily. "You look really pretty…thanks for inviting us!"

"You're welcome." I seek out Jacob, who's sitting on the floor with his long legs stretched out in front of him, wearing a pair of mechanic's overalls. "How's my car going?" I notice with some surprise that Bella, wearing a Little Red Riding Hood cape and hood, is sitting cross-legged on the floor beside him. I wonder if she's given up on Edward and is setting her sights on Jacob.

Jacob grins at me sheepishly. "It's getting there Rosalie. The mechanics are fantastic on it now, and it's over at Sam's getting the paint job done so you'll have it back soon. I would have had it done sooner but with school and…"

I wave his explanations away with a smile. "It doesn't matter. Whenever it's done will be fine." I want my car desperately, but I knew when I gave it to Jacob he wasn't a professional and would be working on it around school.

Leah is sitting in the armchair, and I perch on the arm. "I can't wait to get my car," I tell her.

"The boys all love it," Leah says. "I'm surprised they're not dragging this out for months just so they get to keep playing with it." She sounds a bit edgy as she adds, "I didn't know Sam was working on it too."

"Yeah, he's doing the paint job and told me he'd keep an eye on Jacob," I say. "Why? Don't you like him?"

Leah grimaces. "You remember I mentioned the asshole ex-boyfriend?"

"Sam Uley?" I say in surprise. He'd seemed so genuine. But then, it's not always easy to tell…I grimace and without meaning to my hand drifts up to my face. "What happened?"

Leah shakes her head. "That's a story for another day, ballerina Barbie. I don't want to bring down the party mood." She looks to the other side of the room and rolls her eyes. "You know, he hasn't stopped looking at you all night."

I know she's talking about Emmett and I can't stop my complacent smile, which makes Leah snort. "Fair's fair I guess," she says teasingly. "You were eyeing off his goods at the wrestling, now he gets an eyeful of you in your skimpy outfit."

"It's for ballet!" I say indignantly, but my heart's feeling light and I don't really care. I've spent so much time hanging out on the sofa with Emmett while wearing fleece pyjamas and Jasper's ratty old NYU sweatshirt, part of me loves that tonight he's seeing what I can look like when I want to. _I want him to think that I'm beautiful. _Judging by the way his blue eyes are looking at me from across the room, I think maybe he does.


	24. Chapter 24- About Time

_Chapter 24- About Time._

The music draws me back, and once again I step carefully down into the basement where Alice grabs me and makes me dance with her. She's flushed red with excitement and happiness over the success of her party.

"This is so much fun!" she shouts over the music.

"I know!" I yell back..

A moment later Emmett joins us, and when Alice jumps up to hug him he catches her easily in his arms. "Are you having fun?" she asks, laughing when Emmett nods. She wraps her arms around him and then, in the break of the music, I hear her teasing voice as she says to him, "My crystal ball foresees great things for you Emmett Cullen…don't hold back." She slithers down and dances away, blowing kisses at us both as she reaches the stairs and disappears upstairs.

"You call that dancing?" I tease Emmett.

He grins and shakes his head. "Nah…just getting close enough to you to do this." And with a chuckle he snaps his fangs at me and dives for my neck.

I'm laughing until Emmett's lips touch my neck, and then it's like the whole world stops and there is nothing but the heat of his mouth against my skin and the pounding beat of my heart. _Oh Emmett…_

He feels me freeze and pulls away. His face, as he yanks out the fangs and bends closer to me, is stricken with concern. "Jesus Rosalie, I'm sorry, I was being an idiot…"

I don't want him to apologise, I don't want him to talk, _I don't want him to stop touching me… _Rising onto my pointes I place my hands flat against his chest, raise my face to his, and kiss him.

Emmett looks stunned. I've never seen him at a loss for words before, but as we stand with our faces only inches apart, both of us breathing hard, the seconds drag out and neither of us says a word. Finally Emmett swallows hard, and then the dimples deepen as he smiles at me. "Rosalie…"

"Emmett," I say, and he laughs gently as he raises his hand and brushes his fingers across my lips.

"Did you…" Emmett's voice is hoarse, and he clears his throat. "Did you mean that?"

All these weeks of circling each other, of watching him and learning about him and feeling what he makes me feel with his smiles and dimples and brief moments of touch…_oh yes, I meant it, Emmett._ I am so drawn to him I don't think I could pull away even if I wanted to. "Yes," I say huskily. "Yes, I wanted to…"

"Well," he says with a sigh. "It's about time."

I don't need to say anything else. Emmett's arms go around me and his mouth comes down on mine so we're kissing, and I can't think about anything but how right this feels. His big, solid body, the curly hair under my hands and the slight scratchiness of his stubble against my skin, and above all the heat and pleasure of his lips on mine…I never want this moment to end.

"Rosalie…"

I love the way he says my name. Breathless I look up at him, and as I drop down from my toes I think I'd fall if I didn't have his arms to hold me up. Emmett is looking down at me with such intensity he doesn't seem aware of the party noise and chaos that's happening around us. He touches my face and brushes the stray wisps of hair away from my eyes, and the gentleness of his big hand against my skin makes my body flare with pleasure.

"I've wanted to do that for so long," he says dreamily.

"You can do it again if you like," I offer, smiling as he chuckles.

"Well, maybe I will," he whispers into my mouth, and then I'm kissing him all over again and it feels perfect. "You're beautiful."

The rest of the party passes me by in a blur. There's more kissing, and more dancing, and I introduce Emmett to Leah and Jacob and the other Quileutes and spend some more time talking with them, sitting beside Emmett on the sofa and feeling his arm warm at my back and his hand gently squeezing my hip. People start leaving around 1 am, but I think there's going to be a good few people here until morning. I can't see Edward anywhere, but Alice and Jasper are still dancing in the rec room and I wonder if they've been kissing too. Hours in my ballet shoes have killed my feet and I'm tired of the noise and crowd, so just before two I step carefully around the people talking and kissing on the stairs and head upstairs. Emmett follows.

It's dark and quiet upstairs. We locked all the bedrooms to keep people out, and I'm glad to step into my room and take a deep breath. The fairy lights are on, I've started leaving them on so that there's light when I wake up after the nightmares, and behind me I hear Emmett's sharp intake of breath as I sit on the bed, bending low to undo my ribbons and take off my shoes.

I can't stop the deep sigh of relief as the toe shoes come off and I toss them aside. Emmett's standing with his back against the door, still wearing his cape, staring at me as I look up at him as I efficiently untangle the snowflake hair pins and let my hair fall down my back. "What are you doing?" I ask softly.

"I don't know," he answers, kicking off his shoes and stepping towards me. He stops, standing in front of me, his hands hanging loosely by his sides. He smiles at me bashfully. "I know what I _want_ to do…"

"Something like this?" I rise to my feet, standing so close to him that I can feel his body touching mine all along my length, and tilt my head up to meet his face.

"Yeah," Emmett says hoarsely a moment later, breaking off the kiss. "Something a lot like that…"

I make a noise and curve my arms up around his neck, holding on to his strong shoulders and soft hair, and nothing else seems important in the face of what there is between us. I pull him down onto the bed with me and then we're kissing, rolling around while I'm aware of nothing but the big, masculine body underneath me, on top of me, beside me, and how amazing he feels in my arms. The kissing is like Emmett- playful and gentle and powerful all at the same time. It's all open mouths and soft lips and wet tongues and teeth, and the throbbing pulse of desire between my legs. His hands are in my hair, holding my face to his, running down my back, brushing across my breasts and pulling my hips against him. I wrap my legs around him and hear him groan as his groin grinds against mine and, with only his dress trousers and my leotard between us I can feel how hard he is. I press myself against him, feeling the sparks of pleasure growing stronger and my body starting to burn.

Oh, this feels so _good_, and it's been so _long…_ My hands are all over him, exploring the feel of his back and shoulders and chest, tracing the lines of his abdominals. I can feel his heart beat under my hand as I fumble with the buttons of his shirt until I can open it up and have his bare chest to play with. Emmett throws off the vampire cape and the shirt and I bury my face in the curve of his neck and kiss him, sliding my tongue out between my lips to taste him. _Emmett, I want you so much._

"Oh God, oh Rosalie, you're beautiful," Emmett mumbles. He's kissing my neck and pulling at my leotard, before he breaks away and looks at me helplessly. "Jesus, how do you get this thing _off? _Or is it some kind of chastity garment, because I can't touch any _skin…_"

I laugh breathlessly and wriggle my shoulders out of the neck, letting him pull it down over my arms, taking my bra straps with it. Then his hands are stroking my back and he's kissing my bare shoulders, fumbling with the hooks on my bra until he finally removes it and frees my breasts for his hands and mouth to explore. I'm giving little whimpering moans of pleasure as his tongue rasps across my nipple, but then I look down at Emmett and reality slaps me in the face with all of its ugliness, and everything falls apart.

Emmett's eyes are closed as he mouths at my breast and I don't think he's seen it, but it's all I can see. The scar, raised and purple and ugly, that mars my white skin and marks me forever as brutalised is right next to his cheek, and I know that in a minute he's going to open his eyes and look at it and know how broken I am, and I can't stand it.

With a strangled sob I wrench away from him, wrapping my arms around myself and curling up into a ball, hiding my breasts. I can't stop the tears as I feel the wave of shame and self-disgust, and I want to scream because what happened to me is going to ruin this too, this thing with Emmett that I don't understand but that means so much.

"Rosalie, oh Rosa girl, fuck…I'm sorry, I didn't…what is it? Beautiful girl, don't cry, please don't cry…." Emmett leans over me, his broad chest pressed against my back and his hands frantically rubbing at my arms as he kisses my shoulder and neck and murmurs in my ear. "What is it? What happened? Oh god Rosalie, I love you, I do…"

He feels so warm and solid and reassuring, but it doesn't help. I feel so low and dirty, I'm too damaged, too broken, he won't want me… He can't love me, he can't, he can't…

"Can't what?" I don't realise that I'm speaking aloud, whispering the same words over and over again until Emmett touches my lips with his fingers and asks again, his voice high with anxiety. "Can't what? Rosalie, you don't have to do anything you don't want to…please Rosa girl, talk to me. I love you …" And then his voice breaks too.

I roll over towards him, butting him hard in the chest with my head, burrowing against him as though I could crawl inside him and hide. He wraps his arms around me and holds me cradled tight against him as I sob, his lips in my hair as he murmurs again and again that he loves me.

It feels like forever, but eventually the tears abate. Emmett waits, holding me in his gentle embrace, running his hand rhythmically through my hair and down my back, waiting for me to speak.

"I'm sorry," I say finally, my voice hoarse with crying. I can't look at him.

Emmett kisses me, tentatively, on the forehead. "I mean it Rosalie, I love you. I would never do anything to hurt you." His voice sounds so sad and sincere, and I close my eyes.

_I think I love you too._ I'm too scared to say it, but I feel it like a small glow inside me, and it gives me the courage to sit up and meet Emmett's eyes.

"What happened?" he asks me uncertainly. "Please tell me what I did."

"You didn't do anything." I'm still holding my arms tightly against my chest, my hands covering my breasts. I can feel the scar, raised and rough, under my fingers. "I was just scared that you'd see." And not taking my eyes from his face, I let my hands fall so that he can see everything.

Emmett swallows hard when he takes in the scar. He reaches towards it but then stops, his fingers hovering an inch away from my skin as his eyes meet mine. "You didn't want me to see that? Is that…"

I nod slowly.

Emmett's fingers brush over the scar, as light as feather, and then his big hands wrap around mine and he holds them tight. "Does it hurt?"

"Not anymore." I try and breathe steadily. "It just…looks…bad, now."

"You're beautiful," Emmett says gently. "Whatever…you're beautiful." And like I'm made of delicate bone china Emmett cups my scarred breast in his hand and awkwardly lowers his head until he can kiss the ugly mark.

I hold his head tight against me for a minute before I whisper the words that I've never said aloud before. "I was raped."


	25. Chapter 25- Honesty

_Chapter 25- Honesty._

Emmett's arms wrap around me and he draws me down gently until we're stretched out on the bed with my head pillowed on his shoulder and his arm holding me tight against him. "Oh Rosa girl…" he murmurs, "My beautiful, beautiful girl…"

I breathe him in and kiss him in the little dip at the base of this throat, my heart aching because he is so very beautiful and very good, and I want him so much to be mine. For the first time since it happened, I find myself wanting to tell someone about that night. I want to tell _him._

"Can I tell you about it? It's not…not _nice_, but…" My voice fades. What happened to me is so far from 'nice' that I don't even have words for it.

"It doesn't matter if it's not nice." Emmett strokes my hair, working his fingers through the tangles with surprising gentleness. "It's your story. I want to know all your stories…even this one."

"I started dating Royce at the beginning of my junior year," I say slowly. "He was a year older than me and one of those people who seem to have everything- he was good looking and popular, played football, got good grades, had a fancy car and all daddy's money and influence behind him…you know the type. I made varsity cheerleading and he was quarterback and so we were often at the same parties and hanging out with the same people. We flirted a lot- he wanted me, but he was a player and I wasn't interested in just being another conquest. I thought I was better than that." I pause for a minute, remembering how it was back then with all the playful flirtation that I had thought was so innocent.

"He saw it as a challenge I guess, because he didn't leave me alone. And I was flattered, and naïve and stupid… In the end I gave in and we went out and then became a couple." I sigh. "I thought I had it all. I was pretty and popular, I was a cheerleader, my grades were good, and I was dating this guy that all the other girls would have killed to go out with, but he wanted me. We went out a lot, went to all the parties together, to junior and senior prom together…from the outside it all looked perfect."

I close my eyes and bite my lip, startling slightly when Emmett lays a fingertip gently on my chin. "You don't have to talk about any of it that you don't want to," he says quietly. "I'm listening, but you don't have to do it all today."

"No, I want to." _I need to talk about it. I need you to know. _I gather my thoughts for a moment before I go on, my voice low. "It wasn't as perfect as it looked. Royce could be…difficult. He had an awful temper and we fought a lot, when no one else was around. He was the first person I slept with, and sex became a big point of contention. He hurt me a couple of times." I feel Emmett tense, and I laugh mirthlessly. "You must think I'm an idiot for letting it go on…_I_ think I'm an idiot for letting it go on! But everyone always said how good we were together, he could be so charismatic and whenever he did anything to me he was always so sorry and did what he could to make it up to me. By the time I realised how bad things really were, I didn't know what to do. It wasn't so simple just to get away."

"Early in the summer I tried to break up with him," I go on carefully. "I thought it would work- he was going to be going away to college after vacation and I'd still be in Rochester for senior year. I knew we weren't good together, and I thought breaking up was the best thing to do. Royce didn't agree."

I take a deep breath. "I visited a friend the night it happened. She was at school with me but had dropped out to have a baby, so we didn't see that much of each other. I stayed late talking with her and playing with the baby, and then rather than wait for a cab I decided to talk home."

"They caught up with me only a few streets away. Royce and a few of his friends. I wasn't scared at first, he was supposed to be my _boyfriend_, but then he pulled me into the park and hit me and…" I shudder. "Royce went first, and then the others. I tried to fight them off and I screamed and screamed for someone to help me…but it didn't make any difference." I can feel the tears, stinging my eyes and dripping, hot and salty, down my cheeks. "It hurt so much. The rapes, and then the beating…I thought I was going to die. I nearly _did._ I don't remember being found in the park or being taken to the hospital, but when I got there I went straight into surgery so they could stop all the internal bleeding and try to…try to…fix what they'd done to me."

"Damn it, baby, fuck them…" Emmett holds me closer and I hear the tears frogging in his throat. "I wish I had something to say…sweet Jesus, I'm sorry you had to go through that."

"It was big news locally," I tell him, talking faster now, wanting to get it all out. "They were arrested right away, I knew who they were of course and there was some physical evidence to back that up, although a lot of it was lost or compromised because of the immediate surgery. Royce's dad was very well known and had a lot of influence, and he hired the most expensive scum sucking lawyers he could to get Royce off."

"But surely…" Emmett's voice trails off.

I smiled bitterly. "Surely they wouldn't get off? No, but he was going to get the lightest sentence he could and ruin me in the meantime. They told the police the sex was consensual and that they didn't know who beat me up. You know, there are laws to protect underage rape victims' privacy, but it didn't make any difference. Royce's name was out there, and everyone who knew us knew it was me.

"They had pictures they took on their phones from that night that they said showed I was enjoying it and that the violence must have come later, and they sent those pictures to everyone in school. There was an anonymous blog that everyone was reading- the prom queen and the football hero and look at us now. I don't even know who was behind it, but they had a lot of other photos…mostly just stuff like me in my bikini that was totally innocent, but with all the things that they were saying it looked like something else. They found some modelling photos I'd done when I was fifteen when I won this contest- it was stupid, you couldn't see _anything_, but I mean technically I wasn't wearing any clothes.

"I was the victim, but everything they were saying about me and about what I had done with Royce...I hadn't done anything wrong, but it was like it was all my fault anyway. It was just horrible, and I couldn't deal with it at all. I told my dad that I wasn't ever going back to school, and I guess that's when he got together with Carlisle and Esme and thought I should come here."

"So what happened to them?" Emmett's voice is shaking.

"They plea-bargained," I say flatly. "They got some jail time and I got to skip going through the hell of a trial. I don't know if it was worth it. But nothing that the courts could have done to them would have even come close to making up for what they did to me. I might have won at trial, but it wouldn't have made any difference really…I'd already lost in all the ways that mattered." There's a long silence.

"Thank you for telling me," Emmett says hoarsely. "I didn't know it was like that. I had no idea it was that bad…" His eyes look troubled and he catches my mouth in his and kisses me with soft and questing lips before he pulls away. "I love you," he says simply. "I understand more now, about why you're the way you are, and I love you Rosalie… I don't ever want to do anything that hurts you, or that you don't want to do."

I believe him, and the fact that he doesn't want to do anything that I don't want to do makes me want to do _everything_ with him. I become aware that we're both still naked from the waist up, and with a slow smile I move back towards Emmett and take his bottom lip in between mine. He kisses back, and soon it's all roaming hands and deep, wet kisses and muted sighs and I don't know when my body has ever felt this good.

I roll onto my back and pull Emmett with me, so that he's looming over me as he lies in between my legs. He groans as I wrap my legs around him and rub against him, and thrusts against me until we're both breathless.

"Oh damn, Rosa girl…"

I unzip his fly and slide my hands into his trousers and boxer shorts, feeling how big and hard his cock is as I wrap my hands around him. My fingers can feel the wetness on his swollen head, and his skin feels like silk as I grip him tighter. I can't move my hands much in the confined space of his clothes, but Emmett pushes up into my hands and I squeeze and rub as he gasps.

"Oh, that's good, that's so good, that's….oh Rosalie, I'm going to…"

"I want you to," I whisper, and slip one hand lower to curve around his balls so that he comes, in several pulsing bursts, and the wet, stickiness smears between us.

Emmett's heart is racing, thudding under my cheek as I rest my head on his chest. I wipe my hand carelessly across his trousers and he laughs and kisses my forehead. "Sorry about the mess." He rubs the wetness on his belly. "You want to have a bath?"

"What, together?"

"Sure." Emmett heaves himself off the bed and goes into the bathroom I share with Alice, and a moment later I hear the snap of the lock and the rush of water into the tub.

Emmett disappears into his room to throw his dirty clothes in the hamper there, and I knot my hair up on my head so that it won't get in the way in the bath. I feel oddly self-conscious about undressing casually in front of him, so I toss a scoop of foaming bath crystals in to the water and then I'm in the tub before Emmett returns. He climbs in behind me, which immediately raises the water level enough that I reach over and turn off the faucet.

We don't turn the light on, and in the dim half-light spilling in through my open door the hot water and steam and bubbles and Emmett's hands rubbing slow circles on my back with a face washer is almost stupefying in its relaxation. I sigh and surrender to him when he draws me closer to sit between his legs and half float as I loll backwards against his chest.

He continues to stroke the face washer over me, down my arms and across my neck and breasts and stomach, down in between my legs. He drops the cloth then and his fingers take over, touching me, exploring the shape and feel of me with no pressure or demands, waiting until I open my legs to him and invite his hands further in.

I've never been touched like this. Not this slow, sweet caressing touch by someone who wants to discover me, who is watching and listening for every one of my reactions and is doing this only for me to feel the pleasure of it. Never by someone who whispers in my ear how beautiful and perfect and desirable I am and how much he loves me. Never by a man who puts his own pride aside and asks me if it's good, who wants me to tell him what I like and what he can do to make it better for me. So I try and find words, and Emmett listens to them and takes in all the unspoken things too. All the whimpers and sighs and tiny noises of pleasure that grow until I drop my head back on his shoulder and close my eyes and come, my body shuddering with the bliss that he's given to me and my fist clamped to my mouth to stop me from crying out.

"I love you Rosalie," Emmett murmurs, his lips in the damp coils of my hair. I love his generous spirit, that he can offer me his love with such open trust even when I can't say the words back to him.

My heart aches, and in the barest breath of a whisper I find myself telling him the last secret, the one that hurts most and makes me know that what happened to me has irrevocably changed every aspect of my life. "I can't have babies anymore."

Emmett's arms tighten around me. "Because of what they did? But you can…I didn't hurt…" his voice trails away.

I think I know what he's asking, and with my eyes closed I answer him. "I can have sex. The way you touched me then was fine, the surgeons fixed everything there. But when it happened…I was pregnant. About sixteen weeks. That's what really made me decide to break it off with Royce- I couldn't raise a baby with someone like that. I guess he decided I wasn't going to raise a baby without him either…he beat me badly enough that I miscarried the baby, and because of how violent it was and just my own shitty luck, I haemorrhaged and they took out my uterus. It was a one in a million thing, it hardly ever happens like that, but…it happened to me."

"I'm sorry." Emmett's hands don't stop their slow, gentle caress of my body. "I guess you wanted that then."

"Yeah." I laugh a little, without humour in it. "I didn't go around saying it or anything. I certainly didn't mean to get pregnant in high school. I was going to go to college and all that first but I always knew I wanted babies. Always. I wanted what I didn't have- a regular family where the mom wasn't sick and the dad didn't work all the time. It doesn't seem like that much to ask for, you know? But now I can't have it."

Emmett doesn't say anything then. After all, what is there to say? But he holds me close and plants tiny kisses on my closed eyelids, and when I open them and look at him he tells me again that he loves me and that I am perfect just as I am, and in in the face of his honest blue eyes all I can do is believe that he means it.

* * *

_A/N…Aww, my girl. And Emmett…bless. So lovely to finally write them having some fun together, lol. _

_I just wanted to explain that I added in a pregnancy for Rosalie because I've always felt that vampire Rosalie's inability to have a baby and be a mother is really key to her personality, and so I somehow needed her attack to leave her infertile. Chances of a rape making you definitely unable to get pregnant is…really, incredibly rare. Getting beaten severely enough to miscarry a baby and that leading to haemorrhaging and emergency hysterectomy is slightly more probable. And if that wasn't the most distasteful and depressing avenue of research I've had to do, I don't know what else would beat it!_

_Thanks SO MUCH to everyone reading and leaving me reviews…I love reading them and getting that feedback! I was a bit ambivalent about writing all human, but I'm completely sold on it now- I love my Rosalie girl being human and finding herself and her own strength in all this struggle._


	26. Chapter 26- What's Good For You

_Chapter 26- What's Good For You._

We stay in the tub until the water cools. I have bared my soul to Emmett, and talking about that night has torn the scabs off my healing wounds and made me feel the pain of it all over again. In the aftermath of that emotional intensity I am feeling raw and bruised and exhausted, but Emmett's love and tenderness as he towels me dry and kisses my scars is like a balm.

"Can I stay with you tonight?" he asks shyly. "I don't want to do anything, I just want to be with you." I nod, and his dimples deepen as he smiles at me. "Okay, I'm just going to go find some clothes. I'll be back in a minute."

I'm so tired and my bed looks so inviting that I can barely even summon the energy to find my pyjamas and get dressed before I crawl beneath the quilt. I find a pair of boxer shorts and a cami and pull them on, and I'm already in bed half asleep when the mattress dips as Emmett climbs in beside me. I half smile as I hear his pleased little growl when he wraps an arm around me and pulls me close to him, and I curl my back into him until we're lying like spoons. The solid, reassuring warmth of him against my back and thighs feels so good. Even when I feel his cock getting hard and nudging up against my ass and Emmett whispers an embarrassed apology as he adjust himself so that it's lying up against my back I don't feel anything but sleepy and relaxed.

"It's okay." His breath tickles my neck as he pushes my hair out of the way and kisses my shoulder, and I don't know if I want to go to sleep or just stay awake and feel this contentment forever.

"My baby was a girl."

I don't even realise I've said it aloud until I feel Emmett's arms tighten around me and hear the crooning noise he makes. "You knew that?"

"The doctor told me at the hospital, when I woke up from the surgery and they were trying to explain what had happened and what they'd had to do to me. At sixteen weeks it's basically fully formed, just…tiny. The doctor told me she was born in the ambulance when I was unconscious and she was maybe as long as my hand from head to toe…a perfect, tiny girl."

"Oh, Rosa," Emmett's voice is gentle. "I'm sorry."

"I'd already decided that if the baby was a girl I was going to call her after my mother, so she would have been named Lily." I close my eyes. _Lily._

I've never told anyone this. For the three months I knew I was pregnant I told almost no one, hugging the secret to myself like something unutterably fragile and beautiful. _My baby Lily._ I'd been sure it was a girl, even then. Not until the day that I tried to break up with him had I even told Royce. Then that night I'd told my friend Vera as I held her baby and thought that in five months it would be my own baby in my arms. She had offered me her pregnancy books and baby clothes and promised to help me, and I'd left her house determined to tell Jasper. As it turned out it was Jasper who would tell me when I woke up after surgery hours later that my baby was gone.

Emmett kisses me, his hand curled protectively across my belly where my baby Lily had lived her very brief life, and I let sleep overtake me. My last thought is of Emmett, and the way he has taken the burden of my secrets like they are something precious.

~0~0~0~0~0~0~

I sleep better than I have for months, and it's well into the morning when I open my eyes and see that Emmett is still sound asleep beside me. For a moment I don't do anything but look at him. _You really are beautiful._ His face is almost cherubic in sleep, with his full mouth relaxed and his long lashes lying across his cheeks, or it would be if his jaw and cheeks weren't sprouting a considerable amount of dark stubble. He's sprawled out on his back with one arm flung above his head and his other hand tucked down the front of the sweatpants he's wearing, and for a minute I laugh silently and then gently pull the quilt back up to cover him.

He wakes like a sleepy bear, grumbling and groaning as he stretches, then rolling over and wrapping arm around me and pulling me against him. He's hard, and his erection pokes me the belly as he rubs it against me and makes a little whimpering moan into my hair before he yawns and opens his eyes. For a moment he just looks at me in sleepy confusion, and then his eyes widen in horror and he jerks away from me.

"Christ, sorry!" He tries to adjust himself, looking mortified. "God, I was dreaming…please tell me I haven't just been molesting you in my sleep."

I can't help laughing. "No, it's fine…relax."

Emmett groans and, giving up on being able to do anything to disguise the unmistakeable bulge in his crotch, rolls over to lie on his side facing me. He smiles at me, looking a little shy. "Good morning."

"Good morning." I lay my hand on his chest and inch my head close enough to tentatively kiss his neck.

"You're still…okay with this?" Emmett indicates himself in my bed, careful not to touch me. "No regrets?" I can see the tension in his jaw as he waits for my answer.

I shake my head. "No. Not if you're…happy with this. If you want the hassle of all my drama…" I'm under no illusions that one night with Emmett is going to chase away the demons. I'm never going to be the uncomplicated girlfriend he should have.

"God, am I happy…" Emmett gives me that easy, blissful grin and wraps his arms around me, bringing me close. "I've never been so happy, baby…drama and all. I meant it when I said I love you."

I suddenly don't care that I'm all rumpled, and morning breath be damned because I want him. I throw my leg over his hip and kiss him, feeling his answering desire in the way he kisses me back, his hands roaming across my back and in my hair as I hold myself against him.

Just when I'm wondering where this is all going, and if I even want to stop at all, the bathroom door flies open and I hear the unmistakeable tones of Alice. "Rosalie, are you awake yet because…oh, my GOD!"

I jerk away from Emmett, yanking my cami back up to cover my boobs, but before anyone can say anything, Alice gives a wild shriek of laughter and disappears, banging the bathroom door behind her.

"Oh, that's torn it," Emmett mutters, sitting upright and running a hand through his hair. "Sorry, thought I locked her out of the bathroom last night."

"That lock's loose, you can jiggle it free," I say absently, straightening my clothes. I look at Emmett apprehensively. "What will she do?"

"She'll tell Edward and Jasper because she's a hopeless gossip," Emmett informs me. "And then Edward will tell Esme and Carlisle because he's a fucking snitch."

"Will they be mad?" I wrap my hair around my fingers and comb them through. I know I act like nothing bothers me, but I hate people being mad at me.

Emmett flops back on the bed and starts laughing. "If only that was all it was!" he exclaims. "That would be easy to deal with! No, they're not going to be mad…it's going to be worse than that. They're going to be _concerned._" His face is alight with humour. "And they're going to want to _talk_ about it."

I look at him in horror. "Not seriously?"

"Oh yes!" Emmett shakes his head ruefully. "Teens and sexual health is one of Carlisle's hot issues. He'll go on about the disaster of abstinence only education all day and he hands out condoms like they're Halloween candy. He even got the school board to let him do sex ed up at the school- do you know how hard it is being the new kid and having your dad in the classroom with his posters and pictures and info about diseases making everyone talk about what _really_ constitutes consent while they put condoms on bananas?"

I start giggling. "Really?"

"Yes, really!" Emmett groans. "It was gruesome. I mean, it's really good obviously, knowledge is power and all that, I totally think it's great that he does it…but it's still embarrassing when they're packing you off to camp and while everyone else's parents are reminding their kids to eat their vegetables and get the recruiters' names Carlisle and Esme are stuffing condoms in my bag and reminding me that unless there's an enthusiastic yes, then it's a no." He buries his head in the pillow for a moment and then sits up with a grin. "Ah, fuck it… " He flashes his dimples and holds out his arms. "I'd say you were a pretty enthusiastic yes for what we did last night…"

"_Yes," _I say intently, moving over him and hearing the low whine of desire as I sit astride his belly and lower my face to his. "_Yes, yes, yes_…" Then there's more kissing and more touching, and damn but he's a quick learner because uses his hands to make me come with almost embarrassing speed. I return the favour and it's only after that that we give it to the inevitable and get up, both of us going off to our own bathrooms to shower and then dress.

I put on jeans and a t-shirt and step cautiously downstairs. The evidence of the party is still spread all over the living room but I walk around it and go into the kitchen where Carlisle and Esme are reading the Sunday papers and doing the crossword.

"Morning Rosalie," Esme says cheerfully. "How was last night?"

For a moment I think she's talking about Emmett and I stare at her, completely taken aback, before I realise she's talking about the party. "Oh, it was great," I say hastily. "I had a really good night."

"I'm glad you had fun," Carlisle says, scribbling in the last crossword clue. "Especially since now you and Alice and the boys are going to have the fun of cleaning it all up."

I make a face at him and he laughs, his eyes crinkling up in amusement. "Have some breakfast first- you've all got a busy day ahead of you. Esme and I are going out for lunch, and we want it clean by the time we get back."

I roll my eyes, but I knew we'd have to clean up and I don't really mind. I pour myself a bowl of cereal and sit at the other end of the table, eating slowly. Emmett comes in whistling and as he walks behind me he reaches over me to take the cereal box. I can feel him against my back and it makes my body throb with remembered pleasure. I don't look at him, but my face burns and I wonder how on earth I'm going to live in the same house with Emmett now.

I finish my cereal before Emmett, who is reading the sports pages and talking about football with Carlisle, and I grab a trash bag and head down to the basement to start there. Jasper is already down there, picking up plastic cups and some of the decorations that have fallen to the floor. I go the laundry and find a broom and begin sweeping the dance floor.

"Did you have fun at the party?" I ask Jasper as I work.

"It was okay," he mutters.

The floor is sticky with spilled soda as I sweep it. Looking at Jasper I see that he's scowling. "What's up?"

For a long moment he doesn't answer, and then he drops the trash bag and stands facing me, his arms crossed. "I know you slept with Emmett."

I grip the broom handle tightly. "He slept in my bed, yes, but I didn't have sex with him. Not that it's any of your business if I did." I know I'm playing with semantics. Emmett and I might not have had penetrative sex, but there was a hell of a lot of intimacy in what we did do.

Jasper's jaw is tight. "I haven't spent the last few months holding you together to have you throw it all away. You've made it my business, Rosalie."

"What are you saying?" My voice is dangerously low.

"I didn't say anything last time you decided to sleep with someone, even though I knew he was an asshole and…"

"This is _nothing_ like that." My voice is shaking. "Emmett is not Royce…you _know _him, Jas."

Jasper's eyes flicker. "I know that. Emmett's okay. But you aren't, Rose." He hesitates and then plunges on. "You jump if someone looks at you sideways, you wake up screaming nearly every night, you have never once even _mentioned_ that baby and I know how much you wanted it…you're so busy lying to yourself about everything that I don't even know if you know what's real anymore! Look, Emmett's a good guy and I've got nothing against him, but you're a mess Rosalie."

I stare at him, barely able to breathe through my anger.

"I watched it happen last time," Jasper says flatly. "I saw what Royce did to you, and I don't mean at the end. I mean before that, when he fucked you up in the head so much that you thought everything he did was okay. I didn't do anything then and I should have. You don't know what's good for you Rosalie, and I don't want to have to pick up the pieces again when it all goes to hell."

"I'm sorry I'm such a burden to you!" I snap icily.

"I didn't say that," Jasper says wearily. "I said…"

"I know what you said," I spit out. "You think I don't know how badly I screwed my life up with Royce? You think I don't KNOW what he did to me…what I _let _him do? I'm never doing that again Jasper, and I don't need you to tell me that you think I am!"

"But you ARE!" Jasper shouts, his frustration getting the better of him. "Jumping into bed with Emmett…and I don't care what you did there with him! You're not ready for this Rosalie, and I can't stand back and watch you let yourself get fucked over again knowing that I'm going to have to sort out the mess when you break!"

"Fuck you!" I scream back. I fling the broom away, and even the noise of the mirror shattering as it hits it doesn't make me look away from Jasper. "You don't get to tell me what to do! God Jasper, how can you have so little faith in me?" My voice breaking I turn and storm up the stairs to the kitchen.

"Rosalie, what happened down there?" Esme, Carlisle, and Emmett are all sitting at the table staring at me.

I ignore them and glare at Alice, who is over by the sink with a mug in her hand, staring at me with wide eyes. "Thanks," I snarl at her. "You couldn't even keep your big mouth shut for five minutes? Well fuck you too."

"Rosalie…" Carlisle begins, but I don't want his words. I don't want any of them.

"Go to hell," I say flatly, and then race to my room and lock the door before the tears start.


	27. Chapter 27- Esme's Story

_Chapter 27- Esme's Story._

Up in my room I do something I haven't done in weeks, and shut myself in the closet and drag out my suitcase, finding the manila envelope I'd hidden away inside. I sit for a moment, hating myself for what I'm about to do, but not stopping either as I reach inside with a shaking hand and pull out the photographs.

I took them from the lawyer one day. Copies of the photographs they took of me at the hospital after it happened, showing my injuries. I don't know why I took them, and I don't understand why I keep torturing myself with them, but they have a hold on me that I can't break. The tears are blurring my eyes as I flip through them, sickened all over again by how almost unrecognisable they made me. And yet the photos don't tell the whole story. You can't photograph the emptiness they left inside me, the loss of my baby, the shattering of trust and innocence. None of that can be shown, and yet it's those things that are tearing me apart now, long after all the bruises are gone and the broken bones have healed.

I let myself lie down on the carpet of my closet, the photos lying scattered in front of me. I don't move, not when I hear Carlisle and Esme knocking at the door and calling to me, not even when they go through Alice's room and come into my room through the bathroom and find me in the closet.

I hear Esme's sharply indrawn breath as she takes in the pictures. I understand her shock- it's one thing to hear about, but it's another thing to _see_ that kind of brutality. She doesn't say anything though, and her hands are firm and gentle as she touches my shoulder. "Come on Rosalie, we need to talk to you."

I let her take my arm and I passively get to my feet and go into my bedroom and sit on the bed. Esme sits beside me and Carlisle, his hands full of the photos, sits in the desk chair.

"Why do you have these?" he asks quietly.

I shrug, staring out the window.

"Do you think they help you in some way?" Esme presses gently.

I shake my head wordlessly, and Carlisle bundles them together and slides them back into the manila envelope. "I'm going to take them then. I don't think they're what you need." He pauses, clearly gathering his thoughts before he goes on. "We wanted to talk to you about a few things…we've been talking to Alice and Jasper and Emmett downstairs."

I'm so tense I feel as though I could scream at any moment. I wrap my arms tightly around me and turn to face him. "Go ahead then."

"We're not here to yell or argue," Esme says softly. "We just want to make sure you're okay, and that you're going to be careful."

"Well you can relax knowing I can't get pregnant," I say, my voice brittle. "And you're the one who tested me for every single STI in the world and said that I'm fine. So you know, your son's safe enough." I stare defiantly at Carlisle, who sighs and rubs his nose.

"Believe it or not Rosalie, that's not what we were thinking about," he says.

"We're more concerned about you emotionally," Esme says. "That…whatever you decide you want to happen with Emmett comes from a healthy place within you. That you're honestly, _truly_ ready to move on, and that you don't rush things and hurt yourself more. That you're beginning to feel able to build trust and be honest with people."

"Why do you even care?"

"Because you need people who do," Esme says simply, and she's sitting there looking at me like my mother used to look at me, and for a moment I think I'm going to choke on the misery. But then, for the second time in twenty four hours, I start sobbing and let someone hold me.

Esme does what I think my mother would have done. She lets me lie with my head in her lap while she strokes my hair and murmurs encouragement and calls me sweetheart, and she doesn't say a thing when all my tears make her jeans wet. And I don't even know why I'm crying…because I fought with Jasper or because I don't know what to do with Emmett or because my own mother isn't here to comfort me or because one night some boys hurt me, and for the rest of my life I'm going to carry the scars?

"We just want you to be careful," Carlisle says, when my tears have dried up and I sit up shakily. "Think about what you're doing. Don't forget that you and Emmett have to live in this house together. He's nineteen but you're still underage Rosalie, so keep that in mind too."

I nod, too tired to do anything else but curl up on my side, my back to them both, and close my eyes. I hear Carlisle leave the room, but Esme sits beside me, gently stroking my hair.

"You've got lovely hair," she says, and then takes a breath and says, "Did you know that I was married before I met Carlisle?"

I roll over to face her and shake my head. "No."

"Mmm, I was. His name was Charles and it lasted less than a year." Esme looks thoughtfully out the window. "I was quite young. He was older than I was, a well thought of member of our church, and my parents liked him. I was at a small, conservative Christian college studying early childhood education and getting married at twenty one, right after graduation, was a normal thing there."

"What happened?" I ask, interested in spite of myself.

"The honeymoon didn't last long," Esme smiles wryly. "In fact it lasted until the second day, when I put on a bikini to lounge by the hotel pool and Charles made me take it off and put on a much more conservative one-piece. That was just the beginning. He was very controlling. He couched it all in the language of love and protectiveness, but really it was simply about him owning me and shaping me to his will."

I struggle to keep my breathing even. _Now_ I know why she's telling me this story. I wonder how much Jasper has told them.

"I'd had a very sheltered upbringing, and been raised to believe that the man was head of the household. I tried my best to live up to Charles' expectations, but it was impossible. I always failed, and gradually more and more of my self-confidence was eroded until I almost believed that I was worthless, and that it was only through his goodness and patience that he stayed with me. When he hit me for the first time, I felt that I deserved it." Esme's hands still in my hair. "It's hard to imagine, from the outside, how it happens. But that kind of bullying is insidious and at the time I didn't even realise what he was doing to me."

"What made you get away?" I ask hoarsely.

"I became pregnant," Esme says slowly. "I had been looking at ways to escape, and finding out there was going to be a baby gave me the push I needed. I found a temporary teaching job in a kindergarten in northern California, and I ran. I spent the next eight months teaching and preparing for my baby on my own. It was a struggle, but I was so determined to make it work."

_What about the baby? You kept your baby safe from him…what happened to them?_

"I gave birth to a boy," Esme says, as though she's heard my question. "I named him William, and he lived for three beautiful days. He had a heart condition, and there was nothing they could do for him, so I simply held him and loved him and waited for him to go." She takes a deep breath. "After he died, I didn't want to live anymore. I didn't know what the point was…I had no one and now I'd lost my baby. I tried to commit suicide."

I don't know how to react, so I just stare at her, trying to absorb all this. Esme – glamorous, perfect Esme – used to have a husband who hit her? She had a baby of her own and she lost him?

Esme's smile is sad. "I wanted to share that with you Rosalie, because I thought maybe you'd find something in my story that means something to you. Even if it's just that you aren't alone in what you went through, and that my concern for you comes from a deep and honest place. I was all alone, and I tried to kill myself. I don't want you to feel that kind of hopelessness… You're not alone."

"You found Carlisle though," I say.

Esme laughs. "You could say he found me. He was the doctor in charge of my case when I was brought into the hospital after the suicide attempt, so in effect he saved my life then. Of course, it wasn't a simple thing to learn to trust him, and in the end no one could heal me but myself. Carlisle could help me, and he did, but ultimately I was the one who had to come to terms with the past and move on."

I know what she's saying, but I don't know how to do it for myself. Is what I did with Emmett last night part of moving on, or am I using him to hide from the truth? I know he said he wanted me drama and all, but how is that fair? How can I be enough for someone else when I'm so broken inside that I can't even hold myself together…and what happens when it all falls apart? I close my eyes and sigh deeply, before I sit up and look at Esme.

"Thank you for telling me that," I say awkwardly. "I didn't know…and I can't…" My words trail off.

Esme gives me an understanding smile and rises to her feet. "You're welcome. I wanted you to know that you're not just a boarder here- I'm here for you whenever you want to talk, and Carlisle and I do truly care." She hesitates and says, "It all takes time Rosalie. The human spirit is both very fragile and very resilient at the same time…it's easy to damage it, but almost impossible to destroy it. You will be okay."

I don't know if I believe her, but at the same time…aren't I still here? Still trying to live, sometimes even still laughing?

"Now Carlisle and I are going out to lunch," Esme says from the doorway. "The others are cleaning up after the party, and they'll probably appreciate you giving them a hand if you feel up to it…we'll be back this afternoon."

I wait until I hear the car heading off down the driveway before I leave my room to go downstairs. I don't really want to- I'm still angry at Jasper and I'm so confused about everything that I don't even want to set eyes on Emmett, but I know I should help them.

"Rosalie!"

_Fuck. _ I haven't even got two steps out of my room when I hear Emmett call my name as he comes out of his room with his laundry bag slung over his shoulder. He's smiling at me, all happy blue eyes and dimples, and then he takes in my face and his smile fades.

"Are you okay? Jasper told me what he said to you…" He reaches out a hand and, without meaning to, I flinch. Emmett stares for a moment, and then his lips go tight as he drops his hand. "Sorry. I thought things were different now."

I shake my head and back up until I can feel the wall against my shoulder blades and ass. "I'm sorry. I'm just…I don't know."

"Having second thoughts," Emmett says flatly.

I just look at him. I don't know how to explain to him how confused I am, how afraid. I don't know how to make him understand that even though he's the most beautiful person I've ever met, inside and out, I don't know if I have it in me to be what he thinks I am.

"Right." Emmett grips his laundry bag and edges away, his face blank. "If that's the way you want it. I said I'm not going to do anything you don't want to do…so it's up to you. I thought, last night…but hey, whatever. Don't mind me."

_It's not like that! Last night was wonderful. YOU are wonderful Emmett, I just don't know how to be with you when I'm so broken! I don't know how to love you, how to let what I feel for you in my heart turn into reality…I wish I could find a way to make you understand. _But I don't say any of it, and with one last long look Emmett walks away and I go back into my room and shut the door.


	28. Chapter 28- Closer to True

_Chapter 28- Closer to True._

I barely speak to Jasper or Emmett over the next few days, and Alice avoids me too. In fact I barely speak at all, and by the time I head to Kari's house for my next therapy session I feel as though I'm liable to explode with all my confusion and unhappiness and anger.

Being Kari she notices, and after settling down with her pen and notepad she looks at me and comments mildly, "You seem a little wound up today, Rosalie. Has something happened?"

God, where to start? "I kissed Emmett," I say at last. "Well, I more than kissed him."

"Oh yes? And how did that go?"

"Good." I remember the bathtub, and his hands on my breasts and between my legs and his lips on my neck as he made me come, and my body is flooded with remembered heat. "_Really_ good."

My cheeks burn with embarrassment as Kari gives her husky laugh, but she says easily, "I'm pleased for you. That's good. It's not uncommon for rape survivors to have trouble with sex afterwards, and I know you don't like people to touch you…but it's really great that you were able to have a positive, pleasurable experience."

"I told him," I say in a rush. "I told him everything about…about what happened to me. I even told him about the baby."

"Well!" I think I've surprised her, because Kari stops writing notes and looks at me full in the face. "That sounds like a bit of a break through- it's the first time you've voluntarily talked about it, isn't it?"

"Yes." I'm shivering, from tension or cold I don't know. "But I…I wanted to tell him."

"How did he react? And how did you feel after you told him?"

"He was amazing," I whisper, and I can feel the tears start. Oh my god, is this crying ever going to stop? I think I've cried more in the past three days than I have in the last three months and I hate it! "He listened and he…he was just what I needed him to be." I remember his lips on my scar and I touch it lightly with my fingertips. "I don't think it mattered to him. He cares of course, because it hurt me, but he just takes me as I come…scars and issues and all."

"That sounds really good," Kari says, looking at me carefully. "But you're crying now…"

"Because I messed it all up," I say in a low voice. "Because when it was just me and Emmett it was beautiful. I thought I could just be _normal_ with him…I mean he's been my friend and he makes me laugh and buys me peanut butter ice cream and has shared so much of himself I thought maybe I could just _try_… But the next day I had a fight with Jasper and…you know, it's NOT just me and Emmett playing dress ups and kissing, it's real life and I always fuck everything up."

I swipe angrily at the tears that won't stop falling down my cheeks, and Kari pushes a box of tissues towards me. "Take some."

I grab a handful and wipe my face. I'm furious that I can't stop crying, and I'm horrified that all these words are spilling out of me…but it's like telling Emmett has split me wide open and all my secrets are crawling out into the light, determined to be seen and heard and make me hurt all over again.

"You're doing very well today, Rosalie," Kari says quietly, when I don't say anything. "I know these are tough things to talk about…can we try and keep going? I'd like to know what happened with Emmett, and what you and Jasper fought about. I know that's unusual for you two."

"We never fight," I say tightly. "Not since we were little and we fought over toys. We need each other too much to fight, and we know each other so well there's hardly ever any reason to fight."

"So what happened on the weekend?"

"Alice walked in on Emmett and I in the morning and couldn't wait to go and spread the gossip, so of course she went right to Jasper. He didn't ask me about it, just assumed that meant I had sex with Emmett and…" I bite my lip, before I go on quietly. "Jasper said…he said I don't know what's good for me. He said that I'm lying to myself so much that I don't know what's real, and he doesn't want to have to hold me together anymore."

"Do you think there's any truth in what he said?" Kari asks. "It obviously upsets you- is that because he's wrong or right?"

"Because he's _right_!" I shout at her. "Because what happened to me is all my fault and I've tried to pretend otherwise but it's not true! And if I let _that_ happen to me, how can I trust myself about anything ever again?"

Kari stops her frantic writing to look me in the eye. "Rosalie, what happened to you is not your fault," she says bluntly. "It is not your fault that you were raped and assaulted…it is the fault of the men who did it to you and no one else."

"But I let him in to my life," I whisper. Oh, why bother trying to keep secrets now? "I let Royce in and I kept him there, and I let him fuck with my head until I didn't know which way was up…I let him hurt me, and I forgave him and he did it again and I still let him stay. If I had been stronger, if I'd broken up with him sooner, the first time he hurt me…he would never have got to the point where he thought to punish me like that." I cover my face and I sob, because Jasper was right that I lie to myself and now the truth is coming out and it's brutal.

"The psychology of abuse is complicated, Rosalie," Kari says gently. "We're going to talk about that, look at what happened so that you understand how you came to feel the way you did, but the fact that you were vulnerable to Royce's manipulation doesn't mean you are at fault. Abuse is never the victim's fault."

"But I _let_ him do it," I say angrily. "How is that _not_ my fault?"

"You let him rape you? You let him and four of his friends gang rape you and beat you badly enough that you needed surgery and nearly died?" Kari raises her eyebrows.

The truth, stated so unflinchingly, makes me catch my breath. "Not that last time," I mutter. "But sometimes before that…"

"What happened before then?" For once Kari's not writing, just leaning forward and looking at me intently.

I shake my head.

"Come on Rosalie, try. You've done so well today…you can do this too. Had Royce raped you before?"

"Not like that." My voice sounds small and far away. "I never said _no_…"

"But you didn't always say yes?" Kari asks, after a long pause.

I turn my head away. "You must think I'm pathetic."

"No." Kari says. "I don't think you're pathetic at all. It's very common in that kind of abusive relationship that women will go along with things to keep the peace. Sometimes it's the only way to keep safe."

"It was easier to let him have his way. And it wasn't like I hated having sex with him or didn't ever get anything out of it." Again, I feel the blush heating my face.

"And that's normal too," Kari tells me. "You're a healthy young woman and it's absolutely normal that you would respond sexually to him. Again, that doesn't mean you invited or deserved the abuse."

I'm staring out the window, my hair hanging like a silk curtain between me and Kari. "It was why I got pregnant," I say, and my voice is so low that I don't even know if she will hear me. "Because he wanted what he wanted when he wanted it…I was on the pill but I missed a couple of pills because I forgot to take them with me on the cheer weekend away. I knew it wasn't safe and I _told _him, but he didn't care and he wouldn't use anything…"

I can't help but contrast this with Emmett, with his gentle hands and touches that waited for me to want more before he moved ahead, who had pushed nothing on me but only offered. And I had turned him away.

"I ruin everything," I say, and my voice is hollow with grief. "I hate you for making me talk about this."

"You can hate me if you want," Kari says gently. "But all this talking is going to help you. You've broken down a lot of barriers today Rosalie, you've brought up a lot things that are stuck in your mind and stopping you from living a full and healthy life. Now that we know what these issues are we can work on them. You can't change what happened to you, but you can change the grip it has on your life and take back control."

Me spilling my guts has made the session run late, and instead of meeting the others in the school parking lot they're waiting for me in front of Kari's house. I don't say anything beyond a request to stop at the grocery store as I slide into the backseat beside Jasper, and no one says anything to me as Edward parks in front of the store and I run in. The drive home is silent, but as we speed through the forest, dripping with rain and unbelievably green, Jasper lays his hand palm up on the seat between us, and without looking at him I press mine against it.

At home I go upstairs and wash my face and change from my school clothes into more casual yoga pants and a t-shirt before I go in search of Emmett. Unusually, he's not in the kitchen eating, not downstairs weightlifting and not in front of the tv, but when I go back upstairs I see that his door is closed, and taking a deep breath I knock.

"Yeah?"

I don't know if this is an invitation or not, but I push open the door anyway and step inside. Emmett is lying face down on the bed, his arms wrapped around the back of his head, and my heart twists as I look at him. "Emmett?"

I hear a muffled curse and then he's standing up by the bed, his hands shoved deep in his pockets as he stares at me. "What?"

I hold up the carton of rapidly softening Rocky Road ice cream I'm holding and offer him a spoon. "I thought maybe you might want to share with me," I offer timidly. "I bought your favourite."

Warily Emmett sits back on the bed, leaning against the headboard, and I pick my way across the minefield of his floor and sit cross legged on the bed facing him.

"You start," he says when I offer him the ice cream, and so I scoop out a spoonful and lick it clean before I hand it over to him. For several minutes we just take turns, eating quietly, both of us looking when we think the other person won't see.

"I'm sorry about the weekend," I say finally, realising that Emmett is waiting for me to set the parameters of this conversation.

He's not looking at me now. "Which part?" he asks quietly. "The part where you kissed me, or the part where you basically told me to pretend it didn't happen?"

I take a deep breath. "I'm sorry that I didn't try and talk to you. I'm sorry that I let my issues get in the way of something that was…really, really great."

This time Emmett does look at me, frowning as he licks the spoon clean of ice cream and then hands it back to me. "I don't want you to mess me around Rosalie," he says, and I can't turn away from the honest vulnerability in his eyes as they look into mine. "Because when I told you I loved you, I meant it. I love you, and I want to be with you. And if you can't do that, or don't want to do that, then that's okay, but you need to be straight with me about what you want and where we stand." He bites his knuckles as he waits for my answer.

I scrape the sides of ice cream carton. _Say it. SAY IT._ God, why does this feel like the most dangerous thing I've ever done? "I want you," I mumble finally, not daring to meet his eyes. "The way you make me feel Emmett, whenever I'm around you…I didn't know I could feel like that. I want to be with you." My voice is shaking.

I hear Emmett exhale, and then he takes the empty ice cream carton and the spoon from my hands and puts them on the floor. "Good," he says simply. "We can work with that."

"I can't make you any promises," I say, and my voice is bleak. "I am a thousand different kinds of messed up Emmett, so don't kid yourself that that happily ever after is magically going to happen. But if you want me…I can promise you that I'll try."

"Come here and let me hold you," he says, and I crawl across the bed and sit beside him, with his arm around me and my head resting against his shoulder. "Trying is good enough," he says, his voice gruff. "We'll work it out. Maybe take things a bit slower…I dunno."

"As long as taking things slower doesn't mean I can't do this," I say, sliding a leg over his thighs so that I'm straddling his lap and all it takes is the slightest tilt of my head and just a teeny bit of leaning closer until I can take his bottom lip in between mine and start kissing him.

"Oh no," Emmett says breathlessly, as his arms wrap around me and hold me tight. "I think there needs to be a lot of that. And maybe some of this too…" And he laughs and buries his face in my neck, kissing me in the curve of my shoulder so that I shiver even as I laugh back at him. _Oh yes…lots of that too._

* * *

_A/N- I told you I couldn't keep Rosalie and Emmett apart for too long! Jasper was right when he told her she doesn't know what's good for her, but at least she's starting to figure out that Emmett is something good._


	29. Chapter 29 - A Stolen Future

_Chapter 29- A Stolen Future._

Emmett and I might have the best of intentions about taking things a little more slowly, but I don't know how long it's going to last. Not when half an hour after we agreed to it we're tangled together on his bed and I'm thinking hazily how much I want to unbuckle his belt and open his jeans and play with what I can feel so enticingly hard inside them. Not when Emmett's got his hand up under my t-shirt and is kissing my neck and earlobes in a way that is making me lose my mind.

"Ah-hem. Excuse me?" Someone coughs discreetly and then knocks at the open door.

"What?!" Emmett bellows, raising his head. "Oh…Mom," he says, sounding a little sheepish and sitting up.

I yank my clothes back into place and scramble upright, flipping my hair back and trying to breathe normally. I notice that Emmett has grabbed a pillow and is holding it over his lap and I'm suddenly struck by an irresistible case of the giggles. I press my fist to my mouth to stop myself from laughing aloud, but my shoulders are shaking. I'm too embarrassed to look at Esme.

"I've got your laundry," Esme says, placing a basket on the floor by the door. "You need to put it away, Emmett, and not leave it in the dryer for days on end."

"Sorry," Emmett says apologetically. "I forgot."

"I assumed so. I also came up to see if you needed any help, since you were meant to be studying. SATs on Saturday, remember?" Esme smiles at me as I accidentally catch her eye. "Hello Rosalie."

Emmett groans. "Yes, I remember and I'll start studying, but no, I don't want any help."

"Okay then, but see that you do some work before dinner please. I'm sure you have homework too, Rosalie?" Esme raises her eyebrows at me, and I nod meekly.

"Don't go," Emmett protests, as Esme strides off down the hallway and I get to my feet.

"I should, you're supposed to be doing some work," I say half-heartedly.

"I'll work better if you're here," Emmett declares, and I snort in disbelief.

"Oh, you really think so?" I shake my head, and then relent as I see the look of despair and loathing he throws at the SAT prep books piled on the desk. "Look, I'll go and get my books and I'll do my homework in here with you. But you have to study."

When I return Emmett is sitting up against the headboard, chewing on a pen and gazing out the window with the SAT prep book unopened on his lap. "It's not going to go into your head by osmosis," I prompt him. "Get reading."

Emmett sighs and opens the book reluctantly. "What's the point? I studied last time – kind of- and my scores were just fucking embarrassing."

"You'll do better this time," I say confidently. "Everyone improves the second time round." I'm talking out my ass- I have no idea if people improve or not, and I hope he doesn't challenge me. I stretch out on the bed beside him, facing away from him and switch on my e-reader.

"Hey sleepyhead, wake up."

I don't mean to fall asleep, but the next thing I know Emmett's breath is tickling my ear and he's gently stroking my arm. I yawn and then roll on to my back and stretch, feeling Emmett's fingers lightly running across my bare belly as my t-shirt rides up. "Did I fall asleep?"

"Yeah- you've been out all afternoon," Emmett tells me, kissing my forehead. "I figured you must need it. But dinner's ready now, so wakey wakey."

I groan slightly. "Okay, just give me a minute."

I make a quick stop in the bathroom, grimacing at my reflection in the mirror as I wash my hands. I look like shit. I'm pale and my eyes are still bloodshot from all that crying, and despite my nap there are dark circles under my eyes. I brush my hair quickly and then hurry downstairs to join the others at the dinner table.

Esme serves pasta in a creamy sauce with homemade garlic bread. It's delicious and for a few moments no one talks as we're all too busy eating. I don't think I ever want to move away from Esme's cooking.

"How did the studying go, Emmett?" Esme asks. "Are you feeling any more confident about the test now?"

Emmett's mouth is full but he rolls his eyes and wrinkles his nose dramatically. Clearly the studying didn't go that well, and as he swallows he confirms this. "It's shit, Esme. I'll probably go worse than last time."

"Mind your language," Carlisle reminds him. "And it's probably not as bad as you think. Your teachers all agree that you've improved since last spring."

"Are you redoing the SATs?" Jasper asks.

"Yes." Emmett scowls, and I notice that his ears are red, the only outward sign of embarrassment he makes. "I bombed last year."

"I'm sure you'll do better on Saturday," Carlisle says encouragingly. "Just keep up the studying, do the practice tests and I'm sure you'll get a reasonable result. You know what the recruiters have been saying…"

"Yes, I know," mutters Emmett. He catches Jasper's curious look and sighs. "We've been talking to college baseball recruiters for a while," he says glumly. "They want me, but they think I'm a dumbass who'll flunk out first semester and be a waste of a pick."

"Emmett!" Esme says chidingly, as Alice giggles at him. "Don't talk about yourself that way! They're just concerned about how you'll handle college academic requirements, that's all, and would like to see a better SAT score from you. And _we_ know you'll be fine with a bit of effort and a bit of help once you're there."

Emmett rolls his eyes and stuffs his mouth full of pasta. "You know I could just go play in the minor league and we wouldn't have to worry about any of this," he says sulkily.

"We've talked that one out Emmett," Carlisle says tiredly. "While you might be lucky enough to get picked up for the major league and make a career out of it, the odds aren't great, even excluding injuries. You're better off getting a degree and playing at college and going pro after that if you still want to. At least you'll have a degree and something to fall back on if the worst happens."

Emmett looks up to the ceiling with an air of long suffering patience, and Esme looks from him to Carlisle and sighs before she turns to look at Jasper and I. "What about you two? Are you prepared for college applications? You know if you want to do visits and interviews and things you only need to let us know."

Jasper swallows his mouthful of pasta. "I'm good, thanks. It's already done. I'm applying early decision to Columbia, and if I don't get in there I can pretty much reuse my essays for my other preferences."

Carlisle and Esme look impressed, but I drop my fork with a clatter. "I didn't know you'd made up your mind about that," I say, slightly accusingly. I am ridiculously, unreasonably, hurt to think that Jasper has made this decision without talking to me.

Jasper looks uncomfortable. "Didn't I tell you? You knew it was a possibility."

I can also feel a sense of panic rising at the prospect of Jasper going off to college without me- I'll never be accepted into Columbia. I don't even _want_ to go to Columbia. Jasper and I never had any plans to go to the same college…why do I suddenly feel betrayed that he's going somewhere I can't follow? I bend down to pick up my fork, briefly hiding my face my face under the table.

"Rose," Jasper says quietly. "I'm sorry. I thought you knew."

"It's fine," I say with slightly forced brightness. "You've always wanted to go there, it makes sense to apply early. They'll accept him," I add in Esme and Carlisle's direction. "His SAT results were amazing, and he's got some great letters of recommendation." Before I dragged him with me to Forks he also had a good lot of extra-curricular activities to improve his chances. Jasper's been aiming for Columbia for years. I stuff a forkful of pasta into my mouth.

"What about you?" Esme asks me.

"Rose wants to go to NYU and do law," Jasper answers for me when he sees my mouth is still full.

I shake my head and swallow. "No. I changed my mind…I don't want to do that." Law? After my experiences with the legal system? And going back to New York, even if it's on the other side of the state…not in a million years. And especially not NYU.

"What then?" Jasper demands, and he's frowning in bewilderment. "You were so sure."

"I changed my mind," I put my fork down carefully and sit back in my chair, folding my arms across my chest defensively.

"Changed it to what? You've only got a little while before applications are due…are you thinking law somewhere else? Or NYU and a different program?" Jasper persists.

I can feel myself starting to sweat. "I don't know anymore."

"But…"

"God Jasper, just quit it!" I shout. "Of course I'm not going to NYU…use your brain! Who else was going to be there? Why do you think that was my first choice?" I'm shaking. "And you think it's possible for me to do law after all _that_?! You know, my dealings with the legal profession weren't so great that I want to spend the rest of my life there!"

Jasper jerks back like I've hit him, looking sick. "I'm sorry," he mutters. "I forgot."

Suddenly I'm furious, a wave of red hot anger crashing through my body. "Yeah? Well I don't have the luxury of forgetting," I snarl. "Not when I carry a reminder scarred into my skin and see them in my dreams every night. So forgive me if my fucked up present life means I don't have my future all perfectly mapped out like you do!"

Kicking back my chair so hard it falls over with a crash, I storm away from the table and out of the room. I know I've been unfair to Jasper, but the fountain of rage boiling inside of me demanded release. And the people I am really angry with, the animals who ruined my life and stole my future, are far beyond my reach.

The tears – these goddamned fucking tears!- come again and I stumble slightly on the stairs leading down to the rec room. I am so angry I want to smash things, but the empty place on the wall where I broke the mirror on the weekend seems to glow at me accusingly. Fighting to control myself I go to the treadmill and turn it on high, and then I channel all that rage into running. I run until my lungs ache and the sweat mingles with the tears and makes my eyes burn, run until my legs feel like they're on fire and I have to jump off the treadmill and get into the bathroom before my dinner comes back up. On my knees in front of the toilet I vomit, again and again, until my belly is empty before I lie down, clammy and shaky, on the cold tile floor.

Jasper's waiting for me when I come back out again, sitting on the weight bench with his elbows on his knees. "Are you okay?" he asks.

"I just ran too soon after eating," I say, leaning against the treadmill. "I'm sorry I went off my head at you," I add awkwardly. I hate apologising, but the adrenaline fuelled running has burned off the rage and now the guilt is settling in, cold and heavy.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you I'd sent in the application," Jasper says. He looks tired and unhappy. "I didn't think about everything that's happened…I guess I still had it in my head that you'd be at NYU and I'd go to Columbia like we used to talk about."

"I don't know anymore what I want to do next year," I say honestly. "I only know that it can't be in New York, and it won't be law." I stare past him at our reflection in the mirror and say quietly, "I haven't even thought about the future since it all happened, because when I do all I can think about is what I can't do and won't have."

"Oh, Rosie," Jasper says compassionately. "I know that it's hard, but you can't let that define your life. You can still be a mom one day, even if a baby comes to you a different way…"

"You don't understand," I say, but this time it's a defeated statement of fact and not an accusation. "Please Jasper, I don't want to talk about it."

"I don't have to go to Columbia," Jasper offers, his voice low. "If you wanted to go somewhere else, together, we could look at it…"

"Oh, hush," I say, my voice brusque in an effort to hide how much his offer means. "Don't be ridiculous, of course you're going to Columbia! I'll just...well, I'll just look into other schools for me. Maybe stay here on the west coast or something." I try and smile.

Jasper doesn't look convinced. "I just hate to see you give up on your future plans because of _them_," he mumbles.

"It's not just because of them," I say, moving restlessly across the room. "It's because of me, and just because everything is different now. And Jas, even if that night had never happened…well, there would have been the baby then." It takes such effort to mention her! My baby. "I wouldn't have been going to NYU and doing law like we planned, not next year anyway."

Jasper buries his face in his hands. "I wish I could do more."

"You've done everything you could," I say, drifting over to him and resting my hand on his hair. "More than anyone could have expected of you really, and even though I don't say it I am incredibly grateful to you and I love you for it. In the end though…it's up to me."


	30. Chapter 30- The Impact on the Victim

_Chapter 30- The Impact on the Victim._

"Esme, can you drive me out to the reservation tomorrow?" I ask with a grin as I come hurrying into the kitchen where she is sitting at the kitchen table with Emmett and the cursed SAT prep books. "Jacob just gave me a call and my car is ready! I just need someone to drive me out there so I can pick it up, and then I'll finally be independent!"

"Of course I'll take you out there," Esme says cheerfully. "I'm going to do the grocery shopping tomorrow morning, so I can drop you off when I'm out then. Unless you want me to drive you to Port Angeles?" she says to Emmett, her voice concerned. "I don't mind, and if you're feeling stressed it might be better not to drive. I can do my shopping there just as well and Edward can drive Rosalie to La Push in the Volvo."

Emmett looks miserable. "I'm taking the Jeep. I'll be fine driving myself." He gives me a dim smile. "That's great that your car is done."

Esme passes the book back to him. "Look how well you did that time! Truly Em, you're going to do much better tomorrow. Just remember to take your time and stay calm and you'll be fine."

Emmett shrugs at the result and looks at Esme pleadingly. "Please can I stop now?"

I hide my grin. Emmett must be twice Esme's size, but he sounds like a small boy begging for treats.

"Yes, go on," Esme says. "You've worked hard and you're not going to learn anything else tonight. Go and relax. Edward's going to put a dvd on and we're having pizza for dinner."

"Oh great!" Emmett cheers up immediately. Picking up the SAT prep books he tosses them across they kitchen where they land on top of the (closed) trash bin with a clatter. "Enough of _that_ crap," he says in satisfaction.

"Emmett!" Esme scolds.

"What?" he protests. "I'm done with them! For better or worse the test is tomorrow and I'm not looking at those books again."

"Yes, but Alice and Edward are doing the SATs in spring and they might want them," Esme says sternly. "So you can put them in the study for now, thank you."

Emmett collects the books and takes them to the study before he joins me on the sofa in the living room. I've claimed the corner, and even with Jasper looking a little pained and Alice giggling at him, Emmett's not shy about sitting right beside me and pulling my legs across his lap. "Okay?" he asks me, and I nod, still a little surprised at how easy it is to have him touch me.

The movie is something Edward chose, full of unlikeable characters mooning about through moodily lit scenes, and I'm bored within the first five minutes. I'm glad when Carlisle returns home with the pizza and once I've eaten my fill I throw a cushion down on Emmett's lap and lay my head down. I've got no idea what's happening in the movie now, but as Emmett curls one hand in my hair and strokes the other down my side to my hip and back again I don't care. I'm concentrating far more on the way my body feels when Emmett touches me than I am on what's happening on the screen.

My phone ringing interrupts this, and when I see that it's my dad I'm very tempted not to answer it at all. I'm so relaxed and happy and I know he'll only spoil it, but I grit my teeth and pick it up. "Hi dad."

"Rosalie, hi. Glad you answered." I can tell that he's calling me from the car. "How are you?"

"I'm fine, how are you?" I get up from the couch and wander off towards the downstairs bathroom. I might think the movie is boring but Edward, Jasper and Esme are absorbed and I don't want to disturb them.

"Good, good, busy as always…." Dad breaks off into a string of curses that I assume is aimed at another car and not me. He's the worst driver, but blames everyone else around him for all his near collisions. "How's school going?"

"School's okay." I'm in the bathroom, looking at myself in the mirror and debating if I need to trim my hair. "I'm getting the Camaro back tomorrow," I say, remembering. "They've finished it."

"About time," Dad grumbles. "I feel like I've been shelling out money for that thing for months. I've spoken to that Sam Uley on the phone though, and he seems like a reasonable man."

"Yeah, he's been good," I say absently. Jacob's done most of the work on the car but he didn't feel confident in dealing with my dad so Sam, as a professional mechanic, has stepped in there. I squint at my reflection. Am I getting a zit on my forehead?

"Anyway Rose, I rang to let you know that the lawyer has been back in touch about the civil case. We're looking at a court date in December."

"What?" I clutch the edge of the counter, all thoughts of pimples or haircuts vanishing. "Dad, I told you I didn't want to do that."

"And I told you we were going ahead with it," Dad says impatiently. "The lawyer isn't making any promises, but we're asking for a few million…that bastard is going to pay."

"Dad…" I can feel the panic creeping up, tightening around my chest. "That isn't going to help anything. Please, just let it go."

"Let it go?" Dad snorts. "Are you joking? Jesus Rosalie, after what they put you through you want to just _let it go?_"

"They're already in prison, and it's not as though money is going to make any difference _now_," I choke.

"It'll pay for all your surgery and hospitalisation and therapy. All that medical care doesn't come cheap," Dad says, and his lack of tact and sensitivity would astound me if he wasn't always like that. It's not that he _means_ to be cruel, he just has no idea what words can do and how they can make someone feel. "I'm going to give Carlisle a call and get him to put together the medical reports that we'll need, and you'll have to come and do a victim impact statement."

"What?" My heart is pounding. Surely he doesn't mean I have to be involved in this?

Unfortunately, that's exactly what dad has in mind. "I want you there when the case is heard," he tells me. "You need to write a victim impact statement- articulate what happened and the impact it's had on your life. I'm going to put in a call to your therapist, I'm sure she'll help you put something together."

He wants me to stand up in court and talk about this in front of strangers? Tell them all those horrible details, display all my physical and emotional scars for people to judge? _No._ I try and say that it's impossible, that I refuse, but the terror has me in its iron grip now and the only sound I can make is a wheezy gasp of panic.

"So I'll talk to your therapist, I've got the number somewhere," Dad says briskly. "And I'll book your ticket back when I have a court date. It'll be fine Rose, I'm sure you'll be glad you went after the bastard once it's done. I've got to go now, but I'll let you know how things go."

He doesn't even wait for me to answer before he hangs up. Not that I can say anything, caught up in the worst panic attack of my life. _I can't do it! I can't stand up and tell people about this, I can't go back there and do that…oh god, please don't let him make me…_ I don't realise that I'm sobbing until I hear someone banging on the door and calling my name, but I can't answer. I can't talk and I can't breathe and my heart is drumming painfully hard and fast in my chest, and I'm almost relieved when the darkness closes over my head and blots everything out.

"Rosalie? Can you hear me?"

I can feel hands on me, touching my wrist and my forehead, and I instinctively jerk away from them. "Don't!" I struggle to sit up, moaning as my head and face throbs. "What…"

"Calm down Rosalie." It's Carlisle, kneeling at my side and looking at me in concern. "You had another panic attack and you passed out."

I groan and touch my face. "What the hell?"

"You hit something when you fell," Jasper is on the floor by Carlisle, and I can see Emmett in the doorway behind him.

I'm shaking. "There's going to be a civil trial," I say, and the panic is swirling once again. "Dad is going to make me go and talk and I can't do that_, I can't, I can't, I can't…_" I'm nearly screaming.

Esme appears with Carlisle's bag, and he takes something from it and then pours a glass of water and gives it to me with a small pill. "Take this Rosalie," he says. I'm shivering and tears are dripping down my face, the memories flickering unstoppably, and I feel like I'm losing my mind.

"I'll talk to your dad," Carlisle says soothingly, as Esme kneels beside me and wipes my face with a cool cloth. "He'll understand that it's not that easy for you."

"He won't make you do anything that's not good for you," Esme adds reassuringly. "We all just want the best for you. Now come on out of the bathroom sweetie, this floor isn't comfortable."

I catch a glimpse of my face in the mirror as I stand up. I don't know what I hit, but there's a darkening, swelling lump on my forehead and a bruised line across my cheek and I feel the hysteria threatening. Oh god, my face again…the images from the photographs taken after the assault flash across my mind and I want to be sick.

Jasper knows where my thoughts are going. "It's fine Rose," he says quietly. "Come on, don't look…"

I stumble after him into the living room. The movie is on pause and Alice and Edward are sitting about, awkwardly not looking at me. I'm still breathing unevenly, and my heart is thudding, but I hate being the centre of concern like this. "Go on," I say unsteadily. "Keep playing the movie, I'm just going to go upstairs."

Emmett comes upstairs with me, his arm feeling strong and reassuring across my back. He guides me to my room and then down onto the bed, lying behind me and wrapping his arms around me. I try and match my breathing rate to his slow, relaxed pace and it helps. The combination of the bash on the head, the medicine Carlisle gave me and Emmett's warmth are making me feel almost dreamlike, and I turn and smile at him as I reach up and touch his face.

"You're beautiful," I say wonderingly.

"Not as beautiful as you," Emmett answers, dropping his head down to kiss my forehead. His eyes are shadowed with concern. "Are you really okay now?"

"Mm-hmm." I rest my head against his shoulder. "I don't want to go to court." My voice is tiny.

"I don't understand," Emmett admits. "Aren't they in jail? What's a civil trial going to do?"

"It's about compensation really," I sigh. "Royce…well, his father really…he's really wealthy. Royce has a trust fund that's more money than I'll probably ever see in my life, and by the time he gets out it'll be his. My dad is basically suing him for damages, and I'm Exhibit A." I shudder. "He wants me to stand up in court and tell a bunch of strangers about what happened to me, and detail exactly how it's ruined my life…I can't do it, Emmett. I can't give away that much of me."

"You don't have to," Emmett murmurs into my hair. "No one will make you, not even your dad."

"He doesn't take no for an answer," I say grimly. "Not from me anyway."

"Carlisle will talk to him," Emmett reassures me. "Everyone listens to him. He'll get you out of it."

"I don't care how many millions of dollars my dad thinks I can get out of it," I mumble. "As if all the money in the world is going to make up for what happened, or give me back my baby."

Emmett makes a murmuring noise of comfort and I push myself closer to him. Oh, he smells so _good_ and those beautifully kissable lips are so _close…_ I suddenly wish I'd met him earlier, when things were easy and I knew who I was. Not now, when all I know is how messed up I am.

"You want me to let you go to sleep?" Emmett brushes my hair back from my forehead. "Carlisle gave you some Valium…you're looking pretty woozy."

"Stay with me," I whisper, burying my face in his neck.

"I'll stay till you fall asleep," he promises. "I have to get up early for the SAT exam." He gently tugs off my jeans, sighing a little longingly when he sees the purple lace knickers I'm wearing underneath. "You know I'm not going to be able to sleep tonight because I'll be thinking about you in these panties," he tells me with a grin, kissing my bare hip and then covering me up with the quilt.

"I'm wearing the matching bra," I say, wriggling out of it under my t-shirt and tossing it on to the end of the bed.

"Thanks for letting me know, that really helps," Emmett says dryly.

I giggle, snuggling down into the quilt as Emmett stretches out on the bed beside me. "I hope your exam goes well tomorrow," I mumble. "You've worked hard."

"We'll see," Emmett sounds relaxed as he rubs my back through the quilt. "I've studied more than I did last time…but whatever happens, happens. It's not the end of the world." He nuzzles my neck, and even as my eyes close and I drift off to sleep I hear him. "And when it's all over I get to come home to you. We're going to make this work baby, I promise."


	31. Chapter 31- Learning About Leah

_Chapter 31 – Learning About Leah._

Emmett is long gone when I rise the next morning. I cross my fingers that he does as well as he needs to on the SAT, and then hurry downstairs. I can't wait to get my car.

I go with Esme to do the grocery shopping first though. With seven people in the house, three of them teenage boys, we go through a _lot_ of food, toilet paper and deodorant. Having someone along to push a second trolley is a big help to Esme when it comes to restocking the pantry. After we've loaded everything in to the car she takes the road to La Push and drops me off outside the Black's house.

The garage door is closed, and there's no noise coming from within. A little apprehensively I walk over to the little redwood cottage and knock on the front door.

"Got it dad!" I hear Jacob shout from inside, and then the door is flung open and he's standing there grinning at me. "Hey Rosalie."

"Hi," I say brightly. "I believe you've got something for me?"

Jacob laughs. "Sure have, and you're going to _love _it." He twists his head and says loudly behind him, "Dad, I'm just going out…"

"Bring her in son." The deep voice of Jacob's dad can be heard easily.

Jacob rolls his eyes and his cheeks pink a little as he looks at me apologetically. "Sorry…do you mind coming in and saying hi to the old man? He's wanted to meet you. He doesn't get out much, and he's been hearing all about the Camaro."

"Um, no, I don't mind," I say, a little awkwardly as I hastily comb my hair into place with my fingers and straighten up my top, making sure that there's not too much boob showing.

Jacob watches me with amusement. "You look fine," he says casually. "Come on in. Excuse the mess- it's just me and dad."

The front door opens into a tiny entryway, and the living room is right off this. I only need to take about three steps before I'm standing in front of an older man sitting on the sofa with his legs stretched out along the cushions and covered with an afghan. His dark hair is streaked with grey and tied back into a long plait, and his dark eyes look at me intently as he holds out his hand. "Sorry I can't get up," he says, indicating the wheelchair parked by the sofa. "I'm Billy Black, Jacob's dad. It's good to meet you."

I shake it, a little surprised by the firm grip. "I'm Rosalie. It's nice to meet you too."

"Now I see why all the boys have been working so hard on the car," Billy says, amused. He side-eyes Jacob. "Just because you like the Camaro, huh?"

"Dad," Jacob says. He's blushing, but he smiles at his dad as his dad smiles back, and I'm struck by how alike they look.

"That's a lot of car for a little girl like you," Billy says to me.

Coming from most people this would offend me, but Billy Black seems so honestly glad that I've dropped by to say hi and he looks at his son with such genuine affection that I already like him. "I can handle it," I say confidently, which makes him laugh.

"I bet you can," he says. "Okay Jacob, I'll stop embarrassing you now- you can go give Rosalie back her car. If you're going out, I'd appreciate it if you'd drop Sue's casserole dish back at the Clearwater place."

Jacob rolls his eyes. "Yeah, sure. Come on Rosalie." He leads the way back outside and over to the garage, where he throws open the doors with a flourish. "And….there you go!"

I clap my hands over my mouth, too overcome with happiness to even say anything. The Camaro looks _fantastic_, the new paint a deep cherry red, all the chrome gleaming…"Oh my god, it looks amazing!" I whisper. "Jacob, this is so, so…oh my god, I don't even know what to say!"

Jacob is beaming, clearly enjoying my pleasure. He follows me as I walk over to it and run my hands along the shining paintwork. "This is better than I imagined!" I tell him fervently. "I just wish…god, my mother would have loved this! She loved this car you know."

"Oh, that reminds me…" Jacob goes over to the bench, and when he returns he hands me the plastic envelope with the insurance and registration information in it. Stuck in front, where it can be seen, is a photograph of my mom in the car with Jasper and I strapped into carseats in the back seat. "We found the photo in the glove box, so I put it in there to keep it safe," Jacob tells me. "That's your mom right? She looks like you."

"Yes," I touch the photo. Jasper and I must be about two, I've got my hair in bunches on top of my head and he's clutching his teddy bear, so it was taken years before my mother got sick. She's smiling at the camera, and her hair is longer than mine is now. "Thank you. I'd forgotten it was in there- my mom used to keep it there."

"Hey, that's cool. I'm just glad you like what we've done," Jacob says.

"I do. I really, really do." I slide into the driver's seat and sit for a minute, enjoying the feel of it. For the first time since I've been in Forks I suddenly wish I had friends that I could drive to see in my gorgeous restored car. Friends who would love to jump in the car and go for a drive with me, music blaring, just for the sake of going somewhere and spending time together. But there's only my brother and the Cullens, and Emmett won't be home for another couple of hours. "Hey," I say to Jacob suddenly. "Do you want a ride to the Clearwaters? Maybe I'll go say hi to Leah."

"Sounds good," Jacob says. "Just let me grab my stuff." He lopes off towards the house but is back within a minute, an unbuttoned plaid shirt thrown on and a ceramic casserole dish in his hand.

"Sue cooks a meal for me and Dad once a week," Jacob tells me, sliding into the passenger seat. "She's done it ever since my mom died. Didn't even miss the week Harry died."

"That's really nice of her," I say, turning on my car and listening with pleasure to the roar of the engine. "This sounds great."

Jacob leans back against the seat, nodding with satisfaction. "I know. Thanks for bringing it out here for me…honestly, it was great working on it." He directs me along a few streets and then down a rutted dirt track that comes to an end at the Clearwaters' yard.

I've only just turned the car off when the front door opens and Seth comes bounding out, smiling widely. "Hey Jake, hi Rosalie! What do you think of your car?"

"It's great," I say, getting out and patting the hood. "You guys did a great job. Is Leah home?"

"Yeah, she's in the living room…come on in," Seth invites.

The front door opens directly into the living room, and I pause a little awkwardly in the doorway as Seth and Jacob go through the doorway at the end of the room into the kitchen I can see beyond. Leah is stretched out in front of a wood burning heater reading, and as he walks past Seth kicks her book out of her hands with his bare feet.

"You got company," he tells her.

Leah curses at him and then looks up. I can see the brief flash of surprise on her face and I half wish I hadn't come, but then she smiles and sits up. "Hey Rosalie! Did you come to get your car? Come in- sit down."

The sofa is completely taken up by Boo Boo the dog, so I take a seat in an armchair, looking around. The house is tiny but exudes a kind of cosiness and warmth that immediately makes me feel at home. "You don't think it's a little strange that you're sitting on the floor while your hellhound takes up the furniture?" I comment.

Leah snorts. "Hey, fireside is the prized spot. What's going on with you these days? Last time I saw you was at the party and you were wrapped around a certain vampire…did he take his fangs out to do that? What happened with that?"

I blush. "Well, it was fun," I say cagily, and when Leah laughs at me I laugh too and relax a little. "I really like him," I admit. "It's not as straightforward as that, but I do really like him."

"What's the problem?" Leah says. She sits up cross-legged in front of the fire and the dog moves like a furry mountain off the sofa to lie in front of her on his back, waiting for her to scratch his belly. "He obviously has the hots for you, so if you like him you should go for it."

I shrug. "A few things…but what about you? You said at the party you'd tell me about Sam Uley."

Leah makes a face. "I did, didn't I? You really want to know?"

"Yeah," I say. "I really do."

"Sam and I were always best friends," Leah tells me. "Our moms were friends, and there weren't any other boys his age here in town so right from the time we were little we were always together. Once we went to school he started hanging out with some of the older boys and I was friends with the twins – Rachel and Rebecca, Jacob's sisters – but on the weekends and vacations we'd always come back to each other. Probably freshmen year of high school it became more than friends." She shrugs. "It was just one of those things- we liked the same things, we had the same sense of humour, we had the same kind of plans for the future, it was just so easy to be together."

"So what happened?" I ask as she pauses.

Leah sighs. "It's such a common story that it's boring, but that doesn't mean it doesn't rip your heart out when it's you…Sam went to a party one night that I didn't go to because I was sick, he got drunk and hooked up with someone else. My cousin Emily actually, just to give me that extra kick in the teeth. He told me all about it the next morning, he was completely guilt ridden, and I might have even forgiven him in time. But she got pregnant, and that was that. Sam's not the type to abandon his own kid."

"But he could still have been with you and…"

"No," Leah shakes her head with finality. "Not Sam. This is going to sound ridiculous, given what he did, but he's always had a really overblown sense of responsibility. He's descended from chiefs, he has inherited the stories, he's always known he was going to stay here in La Push and dedicate his life to keeping the Quileute tribe alive and strong. He's already on the council. But he's aware of the problems too- there are already too many fatherless babies and struggling single mothers in the tribe and Sam wouldn't let that happen to his baby. So even if we could have worked it out between the two of us…well. He and Emily got married and she moved in with him into the little house behind the garage. Actually," Leah looks briefly ashamed, "The day that I met you? Out on the beach? I'd just heard that Emily had had the baby and I was gutted…that's why I was such a bitch to you."

I wave my hand. "God, don't worry about it…it's forgotten. I don't blame you a single bit." I shake my head. "I'm really sorry. No wonder you're such a bitch- I'd want to kill everyone involved."

Leah snorts. "Believe me, I did! Well, I still do sometimes. It wasn't just losing Sam, it was having all my future plans kind of thrown out the window…I'd planned everything out with Sam, around the two of us together and being here. And then we broke up and the idea of hanging around the res watching him and Emily play happy families just made me feel sick. At the same time, my loyalty to the tribe and the importance of being educated and working for them hasn't changed. But my dad died, and there suddenly wasn't enough money for college so I couldn't leave anyway."

"That's really awful," I say, frowning. "What did you want to do at college?"

"I was going to do education so I could come back here and teach," Leah says. "I figure I've spent years babysitting and bullying Seth and his buddies…there's nothing high school kids can throw at me that I haven't seen before! And the tribal school is just so important, you probably don't really understand that, but it is. It would have been good to be one of their grads, make it to college and then come back and work there."

"It sounds like you had some pretty good plans then," I say.

"Yeah, well." Leah shrugs again. "I wanted to get a job and save up enough to go to college next year, but there aren't any jobs. Although with Dad dead now apparently I'm eligible for some different financial aid, so maybe I can look into that. I want to go more than ever now, with Sam and Emily and the baby…I'm just hoping that after a four year degree I'll feel differently about being around them. Don't they always say it just takes time?"


	32. Chapter 32- Acknowledging the Elephant

_Chapter 32- Acknowledging the Elephant._

"Time, huh?" I say sceptically. "That's what they _say_…"

"It gives me something to cling to!" Leah says in heartfelt tones, and then laughs a little. "It's been hard because this is such a small community…everyone knows everything and they all feel sorry for me. At the same time all the tribal elders have always thought Sam was the golden one, so they're thrilled that there's little Sam Junior." Leah scowls. "I hate people feeling sorry for me. A bit of sympathy is sometimes nice, but pity is something else…"

"I know what you mean," I say quietly. "About people feeling sorry for you."

"Why?" Leah looks at me curiously. "Who feels sorry for _you_? I mean, I'm sure life as a life sized Barbie with a convertible and daddy footing the bills is a hard road to hoe. You're probably drowning in pity, goodness knows I've felt sorry for you from the moment I met you…"

I can't help laughing at her. "Yeah, yeah, you're hilarious…it used to be like that," I concede. "I was a spoiled princess who pretty much believed the whole world envied me, but that just meant I had a long way to fall."

"So what happened?"

I hesitate. Leah's cool dark gaze is questioning, and as I consider telling her I'm surprised to realise that I feel comfortable here with her. I remember Kari telling me _that's a mighty big elephant in the room, Rosalie_ and I wonder what will happen if I talk about it. Maybe I can try. "My ex-boyfriend happened," I say slowly. "I don't go around talking about this, but at the start of the summer he and some of his friends raped me and beat me up."

"Holy shit," Leah's mouth drops open.

"It was really bad," I tell her truthfully. "That's why I came to live with the Cullens here in Forks- everyone in school found out about it and I couldn't face the idea of going back knowing that everyone would know, and that would be all they were thinking about whenever they looked at me."

"You had no reason to be ashamed though; it's not as though you did anything wrong," Leah points out. "I mean, I get not wanting the attention, but it seems like it must have been harder for you to leave your friends and your life after something like that."

"Maybe if I'd had different friends," I say honestly. "But after it happened my phone pretty much exploded with a million texts and emails and all anyone cared about was getting the grisly details. They were all speculating about what would happen to Royce, and someone actually said that they felt sorry for him because they'd heard guys got raped in prison…they said that to _me!_ Who was sitting in hospital with half my bones broken and ice packs shoved into my knickers!" I shake my head, still astounded at people's insensitivity.

Leah stares at me in disbelief. "It sounds like you knew some real winners back in Rochester."

"I suppose you could argue I have questionable taste in friends," I sigh, adding with a giggle, "I mean god, look who I'm hanging out with now."

Leah sticks her tongue out at me. "So you seriously had no friends to help you through that?"

"Just my brother." I take several deep, calming breaths. _This is so hard to talk about!_ "He was really good…I had one friend, Vera, who really tried. She didn't go to school so she was not part of the whole hysterical mob thing, and she emailed and texted a lot. But it was too hard to be around her…she had a baby, and when they beat me up I lost a pregnancy and…well, I won't be able to have any other babies."

"Hey Rose, I'm really sorry," Leah's voice is quieter than I've ever heard her. "That's a really tough break…and this isn't pity, it's empathy. Because I probably can't ever have kids either."

I look at her. "Why not?"

"Just messed up insides. Fibroids and endo and all kinds of shit…I mean, there are always miracles, but that's basically what it would take for me to get pregnant naturally. That's why Sam leaving me for Emily and a baby…well. You can imagine."

"Yeah, I can." I curl some hair around my fingers. "It's always at the back of my mind though," I burst out. "Like with Emmett…I mean obviously he is _years_ away from thinking of things like having a family and, all things being normal, I would be too. But I know that it can't ever happen, and what if it turns out one day that it matters to him? Or whatever guy I'm with?

"I guess you just deal with it when – or if – that comes up," Leah says. "There are no guarantees for anyone really, and if he loves you enough you'll work through it. There are other ways of having a family besides the ordinary biological." She gives me a wry look though. "Not that I'm saying it doesn't hurt knowing that you have that choice cut off from you right from the start."

"Yeah," I sigh. "I do feel like I've lost so many choices through this. The baby thing, and…well, it's just that I'm so fucked up in the head now too. I don't know what I'm going to do or what's going to happen to me now."

Leah nods thoughtfully. "What happened to your boyfriend and his pals?"

"They went to jail," I tell her. "They did a deal with the DA so there wasn't a trial." I pause for a moment, adding a little hesitantly, "Actually, my dad has filed a civil case against Royce and wants me to go to court in December. He wants me to give a…a victim impact statement." I squirm. "He doesn't think jail time is enough, so he's going after his wallet."

"Don't you want to do that?" Leah asks.

I shake my head and a moment later Leah, rubbing her hands thoughtfully through the dog's fur, says decidedly, "I'd do it. I'd go after them for everything they've got."

"Even if it meant you had to get up in front of people and tell them exactly what he did to you?"

Leah thinks for a moment, and the fact that she's giving this serious consideration makes me give more weight to her answer. "Yeah, even then," she says at last. "And not because of the money, but just to prove that they hadn't beaten me."

I look past Leah, into the dancing flames behind her. "Sometimes it feels like they have beaten me," I say tiredly, and for once I don't care what someone thinks of me as she hears me say it.

"You can't let them," Leah says with conviction. "You can't let the assholes win. "

"It's millions of dollars," I say to her. "Royce's family is loaded and he has a trust fund that he's supposed to get when he turns twenty one. That's what my dad thinks he owes me."

Leah makes a comical face. "Of course it's millions of dollars," she says, shaking her head. "Who _are_ these people?" She looks at me speculatively. "You wouldn't have to keep the money, if it made you uncomfortable. I mean, I would personally- I'd use it to adopt a million babies and buy a mansion for us all to live in and hire goons to harass the rapist asshole when he got out of prison – but you seem to have enough money of your own, so you could always donate it to a woman's shelter or a rape crisis centre or something."

I can't help laughing a little, but my breathing is uneven and there are tears threatening. And I guess Leah really is a friend because she _notices_, and jumps to her feet, saying teasingly, "Anyway, Boo Boo really wants to go for a ride in this car of yours, since while they were fixing it the boys hogged all the seats when they took it out…so come on Rosalie, on your feet. Boo Boo and I want a ride."

So I take her for a drive, and I even let the hellhound sit up in the backseat and bark at the trees as they fly by. It's fun, and when we get back to her house she makes us both toasted cheese sandwiches for lunch and we eat them and laugh at a few episodes of Toddler and Tiaras. It feels so nice and normal…like I'm once again just a girl and my heart feels light.

~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~

The Jeep is parked in the garage when I return to the Cullens, so Emmett must be back from the SATs. I shout hello as I hurry though the kitchen and living room and then go upstairs in search of him.

He's lying on his bed with his hands behind his head and his eyes closed. It's impossible to tell from his face what he's feeling, and for a moment I just stand in the door before I say tentatively, "Hi…how did it go?"

Emmett gives a jaw breaking yawn, and then grins at me. "Hey, you're back!"

He sits up and when he beckons me over I willingly go and sit on the bed beside him. "How did you go?"

"Okay I think," Emmett answers, sounding faintly surprised. "It seemed easier than last time anyway. My essay was okay…although I pity whoever is going to have to read my handwriting to mark it!"

I laugh and squeeze his hand. "I'm glad you feel good about it…when will you know?"

"Couple of weeks," Emmett shrugs, and then looks at me with his eyes sparkling. "Esme said she dropped you off at the res this morning and you got your car?"

"Yes!" The vague thoughts I've been having about pushing Emmett backwards onto the bed and kissing him until I can't think anymore vanish as I jump to my feet. "It's beautiful! Come and see!"

I lead the way outside, shouting for Jasper to come too as I jump down the outside stairs and point to my car with a flourish. "Ta-da!"

"Oh Rose, it looks brilliant!" Jasper enthuses. "I can't believe what they've done with it."

"This is sweet," Emmett adds. "You going to take us for a ride?"

"Yes!" I laugh delightedly as Emmett and Jasper wrestle each other for the privilege of riding shotgun, and then I laugh harder when Carlisle and Esme come out and get in the backseat and Emmett is forced to crowd in beside them.

"Reliving your college days?" he asks Carlisle cheerfully, as I speed off down the driveway.

"I wish!" Carlisle says good-naturedly. "I certainly wouldn't have had a big lump like you in the backseat with my date and I back in those days." He slings an arm around Esme and kisses her cheek, and then I see him blanch as I take a corner just a wee bit fast. "Good god Rosalie, you even drive like your mother!"

I laugh gleefully. "But Jake made it so beautifully fast and powerful!"

"Yes, but I don't want you coming into the ER after wrapping yourself around a tree, so take it easy please!" Carlisle commands, and I reluctantly slow just a little.

When we get back to the Cullens' house I park the Camaro in the garage and everyone climbs out. Emmett grabs a baseball bat from the rack and takes a couple of swings. "Pitch me a few?" he asks Carlisle.

"Sure," Carlisle says agreeably. "Grab some balls."

The two of them head out to the yard, Jasper close on their heels. I sit in a little patch of sunlight on the edge of the porch, leaning against the railing and watching them. I'm glad I stayed to watch when I see Emmett at bat. He makes it look so effortless, swinging at Carlisle's pitches like the bat is an extension of his own body and running around the yard with a grace that is nothing short of beautiful.

"Come play too," Emmett invites me, stopping in front of me on one of his runs round the yard. He stands in between my legs and lays a hand on my knee as he looks up at me, dimples showing.

The way my body reacts to his closeness! I can't resist smiling back and I take the hand he holds out and let him pull me off the porch and lead me over to the game. I'm not a bad player, I've played a lot with Jasper over the years and played softball in middle school, but I'm so busy eyeing off Emmett as he pitches to me that the first ball sails past without me even taking a swing.

"Good effort Rose," Jasper mutters sarcastically from behind me as he hurls the ball back to Emmett. "You do remember how to play this game, right? It's _baseball_…you focus on the _ball_, not on the guy throwing it to you."

I poke my tongue out at him and smirk. I don't think he's completely reconciled to my involvement with Emmett yet. But I grip the bat tighter and brace myself for Emmett's next pitch, which I hit with a satisfying smack, a low fast grounder that gives me plenty of time to run.

"Whoo Rosalie, run!" Carlisle shouts, and I laugh and stretch my legs faster as Emmett chases the ball.

I throw myself into the game. Alice and Edward join in when they get home from the football game, and even Esme comes out and volunteers to be shortstop and umpire. There is so much laughter, and we play until the sun fades away and we can no longer see and I think that after the misery of last night, I don't know when I had such a happy day.

* * *

_A/N- Because even all human Cullens have to play baseball!_


	33. Chapter 33- A Little More Time

_Chapter 33- A Little More Time._

It doesn't last. The nightmares, always the same wretched nightmares, come again and my demons come out to play and I wake up the whole house with the screaming. The difference is that this time when I wake up I don't get sad, I don't get panicky and tearful…instead I get angry.

"Why?" I screech at Carlisle. "Why doesn't it get better? You and Kari keep saying that it will get better, if I just _try_ and _talk_ about it I'll get easier…why isn't it getting better?"

"Rosalie," Carlisle tries to sound calming. "It will get easier, it just takes time…"

"How much fucking time?" I yell, storming agitatedly around the room. "How much fucking talking? I talk to Kari, I talk to Emmett, I talked to _Leah…_ You want me to talk to you too?" I snarl at Alice and Edward who are both standing sleepily in the hallway with everyone else. "Maybe if I tell you two about how I was raped and beaten up by my ex-boyfriend and his pals I'll stop waking up screaming every single goddamned night! You want to know about that?"

"Please Rose," Jasper says tiredly. "Stop…this isn't helping."

"_Nothing is helping!"_ I scream, and I know how ridiculous I'm being but that only makes me angrier. "I hate this!" I pound my fists against the wall and then throw myself onto my bed and glare at the concerned faces surrounding me, ending on Carlisle. "You keep saying it will get easier, but it's like every time I have a good day or feel okay something happens and I'm right back here…angry and hurting and hating everything," I growl at him accusingly.

Carlisle perches on the end of the bed and sighs. "It's not a straightforward progression Rosalie. With something like PTSD there is no magic cure that will heal you, you are never going to wake up one day and be as you were before. There will be good days and there will be bad days…with time the balance tilts more towards good days and the bad times will get fewer and further between."

"_When_?" I ask, and now I'm not angry but grief stricken. "When? I can't do this anymore, all these nightmares and being so jumpy and scared all the time, not when I'm so _tired…_" I blink fast to keep the tears at bay.

"I can't give you a timeframe," Carlisle says gently. "I'm sorry, but it doesn't work that way. You just have to look at the progress you've made and know that you can keep on doing that."

The progress I've made… I have to admit that there has been some. I've talked about what happened with Kari and Leah and Emmett, I've let Emmett see my scars and touch me, and I know that in whatever way I'm capable of with my trust issues and messed up heart I'm falling in love with him. It just doesn't seem enough, and I struggle once again with my feelings of shame and failure for not coping with this. I bury my face in my pillow.

"You're doing well Rosalie," Carlisle says. "You really are…you've come a long way in just the short time you've been here in Forks with us. You just need to keep working with Kari, keeping finding your way and try to relax a little more and you'll be fine. We all believe in you."

I wish I had their faith. Heartsore I ask them to leave, and after tossing and turning restlessly in the dark and quiet house for over an hour I give up and get out of bed, slipping silently along the hallway and into Emmett's room. We haven't been doing this, partly in deference to the others and partly because we are trying not to get carried away, but tonight I'm sad and lonely and all I want is to be with someone who lets me feel normal.

Emmett's asleep, but he half wakes as I slip under the quilt beside him, mumbling my name as he turns and wraps me in his arms. He's only wearing a pair of boxer shorts and as I press myself against him I can feel the heat of his body and the smoothness of his skin and I suddenly want him desperately. Want him inside me, all over me…want him to make me feel whole and beautiful and desired, instead of broken.

"Emmett," I say, kissing my way up his neck and across his jaw.

His mouth comes down on mine and he's kissing me ardently in response. His thigh pushes in between mine, and as I curve my leg up over his hip so I can rub against him I feel one of his hands slide along my thigh and start kneading my ass. "Rosa…oh, baby," he mumbles between kisses, and I drop my head back as I feel his lips moving down my throat. _Oh, this is so good…_ I move astride him as he rolls onto his back, half sitting up so that his hands and mouth are on my breasts as I rock my hips. He's so hard, and the boxer shorts and my thin pyjama pants aren't much barrier to feeling everything as I gasp and writhe and bend low to kiss him again. _Mmm, Emmett…oh, that's good, do that again…_

"Baby, oh god, what are you doing to me," Emmett murmurs, moving his hands from my breasts to my back, down to my hips and ass so he can hold me tight against his groin, his rock hard cock pressing in between my spread legs. "Fuck, you're good…"

I grind against him, whimpering with the heat and pleasure that's building so rapidly deep inside me. I want him, want this big hard body to cover mine and give me the bliss that might make me forget the emotional storm of the last time I had sex. "Emmett." I'm talking to him in between frantic kisses, and I don't even know if he can understand me. "I want you, I want you now, please…" My eyes are stinging with tears. I want to be with him, I want him to make me feel better.

Emmett groans as my fingernails rake across his chest and his hips push upwards, increasing the pressure between our most sensitive places. "Oh Christ, yes…mmm…" He's kissing my shoulder, my neck, moving along my jaw as his hands tangle in my hair. "Yes baby, yes…I want you…ahh no Rosa girl." Emmett's lips have found the salty tracks of tears on my face and now his fingers are brushing across my damp cheeks. "Why are you crying?"

"I'm not," I say, even as the choked sob in my throat gives lie to the words. My hands are moving up his arms, along his biceps and clutching at his shoulders. "Don't stop Emmett, don't stop, ignore it, I want you…" I bend forward and kiss him again, but he's wiping my tears and when his lips don't respond to mine I jerk away from his touch with irritation. "Emmett!"

With a grunt Emmett sits up, his hands on my knees to keep me sitting across his thighs. "Rosa," he says softly. "I'm not going to do this now. Not if you're crying."

My face burning with the rejection I snatch my hands free and scramble off him. "Well if you don't want to, that's fine. I'm sorry."

"Rosalie!" Emmett grabs the back of my pyjama pants as I go to slide off the bed. "Wait!"

Not that I have any choice unless I want to take off my pants, which he's holding on to like his life depends on it, but I stop and stand stiffly by the side of the bed, my arms crossed defensively.

"You think I _don't want to?_" he says incredulously. "Are you crazy? Rosalie, there is nothing I want_ more_ than to be naked with you and inside you and touching you and kissing you!"

"Really?" I say in a tiny voice, and Emmett laughs gently and kneels up on the bed to wrap his arms around me, resting his head on my shoulder.

"_Yes!" _he says fervently. "Sweet Jesus Rosalie, do you have any idea how much time I spend jacking off just _thinking_ about having sex with you? And god I'm going to hate myself for stopping this in the morning!"

I can't help laughing, even as I squirm with embarrassment. But his honesty, his willingness to expose his vulnerabilities catches at my heart, and I let my arms creep around him again as my laughter turns to tears and I cry into his shoulder.

Emmett pulls me back on to the bed and this time it's not sexy as I curl up against him and he hugs me, but the kisses are warm and soothing.

"I love you," he says tenderly. "I really do, and I really, _really_ want to do that with you. But I don't think my ego can take it if you're crying at the same time," he adds teasingly, before sobering up as he says, "I want to be with you, but not…not if you're thinking about them at the same time." He bites his knuckles anxiously. "Do you understand what I mean?"

I think I do. Tonight wasn't about me deciding that I wanted to be with Emmett. It wasn't me adding sex to the relationship because I feel ready to take that step with him. It's simply that the demons in my mind are haunting me and I'm tired of fighting them. Emmett wants me, but he wants me to want him for him, not just because I want to forget about the past.

We're lying face to face, and his eyes are dark in the dimness and I can barely see his dimples as he smiles at me. "Is this okay?" he asks uncertainly. "You understand?"

I nod. "You're right," I say in a low voice. "It would have been a mistake, tonight. I wasn't thinking clearly."

"I love you," he says quietly. "I haven't ever felt like this about a girl before. You're special Rosalie, and all I really want is to make you happy." He rolls on to his back with a mournful sigh that ends in a husky chuckle. "Of course, come morning I'll think about the opportunity I threw away tonight and kick myself! You know, maybe I could have made you _very_ happy if I'd just gone ahead with taking your clothes off like I wanted to!"

I sit up and reach over for the tissues on his nightstand so I can wipe my face and blow my nose. It makes me think of something he said earlier, and I feel my cheeks get hot with embarrassment even as I start giggling.

"What?" Emmett asks, amused. "Crying one minute, laughing the next…I can't keep up with you."

"I was just wondering…do you really think of me? When you're…"

"Do I think of you when I'm…?" For a moment he sounds confused, and then Emmett's whole body nearly convulses as he rolls over and buries his face in the pillow with a bellow of laughter. "Christ! All my heartfelt declarations of love and all you pick up on is _that_! Well if you really want to know, _yes_ I think about you when I'm jerking off!" He pulls a second pillow over his head and I hear his muffled voice, "And now that I've totally embarrassed myself I'll just hide here for a while."

Giggling I wriggle down into the bed beside him and, as I poke my fingers into his ribs, I discover that Emmett is crazy ticklish. He yelps and nearly somersaults out of the bed trying to get away from me, before he lunges at me and wraps me in his arms.

"What are you doing? Isn't it enough I'm sharing all my dirty little secrets…you're going to tickle me to bring me to my knees?" But he's laughing as he says it, and then he makes the funniest high pitched squeaking noise as my fingers reach his armpits and I can't hold it together anymore and burst out laughing.

There's a sudden loud thumping on the wall from the next bedroom. "Will you two _shut up?_" It's Edward and he sounds furious. "_Some_ of us would like to get _some_ sleep tonight!"

I muffle my laughter in Emmett's chest, feeling him shake with his own amusement. "Cranky bastard," he murmurs. "Still, we'd better be a bit quieter…please don't tickle me anymore because I can't take it!"

I kiss the hollow of his throat, glad he can't see my face in the darkness as I whisper, "Well I don't care…I'm glad you think of me."

Emmett groans and tightens his grip on me. "As if I could help it! You know I love you, and you are so damn sexy!"

I trace the slope of his biceps and say tentatively, "How many people have you slept with?"

"You are getting all the secrets out of me tonight, aren't you?" Emmett says, but his voice is light. "It's easy to do when you sneak half naked into my bed, I guess! Okay…I've slept with two girls. Both at baseball camp- they were there playing softball. First time was kind of a disaster and I guess I sucked because she didn't come back for another try! Second girl and I were together for a couple of weeks of camp before she threw me over for a pitcher." Emmett chuckles ruefully.

I admit that I'm surprised. Emmett seems so charmed- good looking and likeable – that I had expected he would have had a string of conquests behind him. It occurs to me that I'm actually more experienced than he is; although it was only Royce (I will never count the men who forced me) I was sleeping with him regularly for the better part of a year. I wonder how that will play out when we do sleep together.

"I'm surprised that there wasn't ever anyone at school," I say. "Considering how wonderful you are and all…" I tickle his ribs and laugh as he squeaks.

"Maybe I'm just choosy," Emmett says teasingly. "Maybe I was waiting for you? Or maybe no one ever wanted to…combo of all three? Oh, and because I really do want to have sex with you one day and you might want to know, Carlisle ran all his STI tests on me when I was having my physical before school and it was all negative."

"Well, he ran the same tests on me and I'm good," I say, adding a little shyly. "And you know I can't get pregnant, so…" The casualness of Emmett's conversation and the warm feeling of being cared for that it raises in me astonishes me. Royce had _never _talked with me like this.

"Mmmmm," Emmett kisses me again, and slides his hand down my back to curve around my ass and pull me closer to him. "That sounds good…not tonight, but one day soon. Whenever you're ready baby, I'm there."


	34. Chapter 34- Things That Matter

_Chapter 34- Things That Matter._

I walk slowly towards my next session with Kari, dreading what I'm going to have to talk about today. I would never have thought that words, that just talking, could be so painful. I'm early, and rather than go inside I sit dispiritedly on the porch, staring out at the rain.

"Are you coming in, Rosalie?"

I don't hear Kari opening the door behind me, and I jump when she speaks. She smiles at me and holds the door open as I climb wearily to my feet. As I walk past she asks curiously, "What did you do to your head?"

Instinctively I touch my forehead. When I fell in the bathroom on Friday it left a lump on my forehead that is now turning from black to green. For a moment I wish I hand bangs and could have covered it up. "I passed out and hit my head. It's nothing."

Kari follows me into her consulting room. "Are you okay? What made you pass out?"

It's like she has radar that hones in on anything that I might not want to talk about! "Nothing important," I mutter.

Kari grins at me. "I have a pretty good idea by now when you're not being open with me," she informs me. "And something makes me think there's more to this bump on the head than you really want to talk about."

"My dad called me on Friday night," I say sulkily. I don't look at her as I start braiding a small section of my hair. "He's still pursuing the civil case against Royce, and he wants me to go back to Rochester in December so I can be there and do a…a victim impact statement."

Kari doesn't say anything for a moment. I continue braiding, focussing fiercely on my hair so I don't have to think about anything else. It's only when I've come to the end of the long strands of hair that Kari asks, "What do you think about that?"

I begin unravelling the braid, separating the three sections of hair and then combing it with my fingers into a smooth length of silk. I don't say anything.

"Rosalie," Kari's voice is quiet, but insistent. "You need to talk to me about this. You've been a lot more open recently…what is it about this particular incident that's making you shut down?"

I curl my feet up onto the chair I'm sitting on and rest my chin on my knees. "It's too hard." My voice is so quiet I don't even know if she'll hear me.

"What's too hard? Talking about it?"

"Yes. Talking about it…thinking about it. Everything. I had a panic attack after Dad called and that's why I passed out and hit my head." Once again I start weaving my hair into a braid. "I hate the idea of this civil case…I mean, who _does_ that? Who thinks _money_ is going to make up for anything?"

"For some people it helps," Kari says carefully. "Compensation can cover medical bills, can make up for lost income when a person has needed time off work. Compensation for loss of fertility can cover costs associated with alternative methods of having a family, like adoption."

I think I'm going to be sick. "So it's okay that they killed my baby as long as I get enough money to buy another one?"

"No one is saying that," Kari says.

"That's what it feels like though," I say through clenched teeth. "This feels like putting a price on her life. It feels like putting a price on _my_ life, on my body…on everything that I could have been and now will never be. It feels like saying that money makes it okay that they did all that to me, that it's okay that they raped me and beat me and killed my baby because here's a cheque and now we're all square…and that's _not fucking true. _There is nothing, _ever_, that can make this okay!"

I wrap my arms over my head, tangling my hands in my hair and pushing my face down into my knees so there's no chance the tears can escape. I'm starting to hate this room and the way I am in here, the way I'm always crying and blabbing out secrets, my heart writhing under the pain of such honesty.

"Rosalie, nothing is going to make up for what happened to you. You're right that it's not possible to put a price on what you lost," Kari's voice is muffled by my arms. "But a trial might also offer you an opportunity to take control of the situation in a way that you weren't able to do at any other time."

"_Take control?"_ I fling my head back and stare at her. "Are you kidding? The very _thought_ of going to trial freaks me out so much that I pass out when my dad tells me about it, and you think it's a nice opportunity for me to _take control?!"_

Kari smiles compassionately. "Look, I'm not saying that it's the answer for you. But I will say that I've worked with other women who have gone to trial or submitted victim impact statements during sentencing and many of them found it empowering. It's a way for people to have their voices heard…something the system isn't always very good at in these situations."

My eyes are stinging, because she's made me think of what mattered the most to me and what had been, in the eyes of the law, the least important. "The lawyer said that there wasn't anything they could be charged with for the baby. That she was too little, that she didn't _count_…" I choke on the sobs I'm trying to hold back. "She mattered to me."

"I know she did." Kari isn't taking notes now. "And you can talk about her in a victim impact statement. There are some guidelines, but you're not restricted by the same rules of evidence as in a trial. You can talk about the baby, about how the assault has changed your life, about the physical and emotional impact that the attack had on you."

"How?" I ask, wiping away tears. "How do I get up there in front of people and _say_ those things? I didn't even talk about my baby when I was pregnant…how can I get up there and talk about her now that she's gone?"

I don't know how to explain those months of knowing I was pregnant but saying nothing, of hugging that sweet, precious secret close to me while my dreams were full of babies instead of brutality.

"I have some samples and questions to get you started, and we can work on it together if you want to," Kari tells me. She taps her pen for a moment. "Did you ever see your baby?" she asks quietly.

"No." My voice is barely audible.

"Were you given the opportunity? Second trimester miscarriages are handled differently in different places…but at sixteen weeks you might have been…"

I shake my head. "She came out in the ambulance when I was unconscious. They told me it was a girl and they must have kept her somewhere because later they did DNA testing when Royce said that she wasn't his." I wind a long piece of hair through my fingers. "I hate the thought that she was just…just medical waste," I whisper. "I know that it was still early, that she was so tiny and no one knew and no one cared about her…_but I knew about her_. I knew for three whole months that she was there. I went through feeling so scared and thinking I couldn't do it and looking at having an abortion…but in the end I wanted her. I wanted to be her mother. I spent three months planning my life around a baby, working out what I was going to do with her and school and college and everything. I gave her a _name_…I loved my baby, and they took her away."

And I'm crying – _again_ – as I remember waking up after surgery, deep in a fog of pain and morphine, and Jasper telling me that the baby was gone. When the tears slow Kari hands me a trash basket and I dump in the approximately half a box of tissues I've used up in trying to stem my flood of misery.

"God, how many boxes of tissues do you go through a week?" I sniffle.

Kari grins. "A lot sometimes." She looks at me speculatively. "You know Rosalie, I just wanted to say that I believe you're really doing well here with me. Better than you think you are! I know you don't love all the crying, but I think for you it's a big part of acknowledging your emotions and working through them. Most importantly you're _talking…_that's really good."

"It doesn't feel good," I say in a low voice. "I keep thinking that it seems like a hell of a lot of pain for no real improvements…I'm still having nightmares and I'm still having panic attacks. You and Carlisle keep going on about needing time…but it seems like it's too hard and it's too much time."

"It _is_ hard," Kari acknowledges. "You're working on a lot of complex issues- your feelings about your assault and recovery, your baby, the abusive relationship that led up to the attack…all of that is a lot to deal with, as well as the way it plays into your current relationships with the people in your life and your plans for approaching the future. None of that is easy, but you're getting there." She pauses. "How are things with Emmett? Anything you want to talk about there?"

"I tried to have sex with him and he turned me down," I say drolly, which makes Kari lose her professional composure for a minute as she chokes back a laugh.

"Sorry, I'm just surprised," she admits. "He's nineteen and we've already established that he is _clearly_ attracted to you. I wouldn't have expected…but are you okay with this?"

I giggle. Something about Kari's surprise has made her seem more human. "I'm okay with it. It wouldn't have been a good idea…I mean, I wasn't really there with Emmett then," I say slowly. "I went to him that night because I wanted to feel desirable and whole and normal…and honestly, any guy would have done. But I guess Emmett isn't just any guy."

"Do you think the two of you are getting to that point?"

"He wants to," I say, playing with my hair to hide my embarrassment. "_I_ want to! I'm nearly eighteen and I'm not a virgin, I just want to have sex with my boyfriend like a normal person! But I guess he's kind of uncertain about it, after…well, after what my last time was like."

"He might be feeling under a bit of pressure," Kari says thoughtfully. "He sounds like he's very considerate of you, and he's obviously aware that you can be a little fragile at times. What about you? Are you concerned or anxious about anything in particular?"

I shrug. "I'm kind of scared that it will hurt," I mumble. "I had a lot of stitches…an ob-gyn did all that and he told me that it should be fine, that he stitches up women after childbirth all the time and they all go on to have more sex and more babies and so will I blah blah blah…which I'm sure is true, apart from the baby thing. But it is kind of hard to believe when I think about the fact that I couldn't even sit down without feeling it for like a month." I stop and think for a minute, adding thoughtfully. "But I'm not scared of Emmett. Not at all…I trust him." The simple words seem almost inadequate to describe the amount of trust I have in Emmett. He has already seen me bare and naked and vulnerable and proven, again and again, that his kindness and love is real.

"I'm sure when you do go there it will be fine," Kari says. "Take it slow, make sure you're really ready…if you do have any concerns about how everything healed and sex you can always go and talk to your doctor."

I snort. "My doctor happens to be Emmett's _dad_, remember? I'm sure asking him about my girly parts because I want to bone his son wouldn't be awkward at all!" I laugh a little shakily. "And yes, I know, I can get another doctor…and I will if I need to. For now it's all okay."

Kari nods and scribbles a few more notes. "That's good. I think it's important that you have control over your own body and medical care, and it seems like you're confident with that. Now we're just about out of time- do you think you will give some consideration to the victim impact statement? Despite what your father said you don't have to be the one to present it, either- victim statements can be read by an advocate or written and submitted to the judge and lawyers." She looks at me keenly. "It might be too soon and you need more time before you're ready for something like that, but I would like you to think about it."

"Okay," I sigh. "I'll think about it."

"Good." Kari starts shuffling her papers. "That's what I want you to do for next week, and we'll talk more about it then. Thanks for today Rosalie, as I said I'm impressed with how much effort you're putting in."

I rise to my feet and shrug into my jacket, slinging my tote over my shoulder and finding my umbrella in preparation to leave. Kari follows me to the front door where she greets a middle aged woman who is shaking out her umbrella before ringing the bell. She goes into the house and Kari gives me a grin before she starts closing the door, but at the last moment I put my hand out to stop her.

"What is it Rosalie?"

"I know it probably doesn't matter," I say fast. "But it's just…my baby's name was Lily. I just wanted you to know." And without waiting for a response I turn and jump down the steps, dashing across the wet pavement to where the others are waiting for me in the Volvo.


	35. Chapter 35- Happy birthday

_Chapter 35- Happy Birthday._

"Wake up lazy, it's your birthday!"

Rolling over in bed I groan as I open my eyes and see Jasper and Alice sitting side by side on the end of the bed and grinning at me.

"If it's my birthday, shouldn't it mean I get to sleep in?" I say plaintively.

"You already did!" Alice exclaims. "It's nearly eleven now, and you have to get up because Emmett wants to take you out for lunch."

"Oh, really?" I sit up, pushing my hair out of my face. "He didn't say anything."

"No, he wanted it to be a surprise but since it appears that you were just going to sleep through until the afternoon I thought I'd come in and wake you up," Alice informs me cheerfully.

"Happy birthday Rosie Posie," Jasper says teasingly, and for a brief moment he leans forward and hugs me. It's probably the first time he's had his arms around me since it happened, and for once I don't jerk away. Instead I momentarily lay my head on his shoulder and my arm across his back, and when I pull away I see his eyes are shining with unshed tears.

"Happy birthday Jas," I whisper.

He clasps my hand. "Can you believe we're finally eighteen? It's going to be a good year," he says, and it's half a promise and half a prayer. "I know it will be Rosalie."

"Better than last year," I say with a laugh that's only a little bit brittle. Before Jasper can say anything I reach across to my nightstand and pull a small package out from the top drawer. "Here you go, brother dear. Happy birthday."

For as long as I can remember Jasper and I have always traded gifts first thing in the morning, following our own rule that the gift has to be small and fun and cost $5 or less.

Jasper tears off the paper and holds up the Spiderman key ring bottle opener I bought him with a grin. "It's great Rosalie, I'll treasure it."

"It's for Columbia next year," I say, adding with mock severity, "_Not_ that you'll be drinking alcohol underage of course!"

Jasper snorts and hands me over mine. I laugh as the paper tears away to reveal another key ring, this time with a small brass compass dangling from it. "Because apparently you lack direction in your life," Jasper says sarcastically. "At least that's what dad was saying to me the other week when I told him you hadn't applied to any colleges yet…I'm supposed to help you 'find your way'." His tone is completely derisive, but his eyes on me are kind. "So I bought you a compass, so that you'll never get lost."

Another day my dad's eternal disapproval of me might sting, but today is my birthday and sitting here on my bed with my brother I'm happy. I give him an impulsive hug, and then my smile widens as Emmett comes bounding through the open door and crashes onto the bed with the three of us.

"Hey, you're awake! Happy birthday!" I can tell he wants to dive on me and start kissing, but he glances at Jasper and Alice and prudently restrains himself.

"Thank you," I smile at him, showing him my new key ring looped over my thumb. "Look, Jasper gave me a present. It's so I won't get lost."

"You'll get your presents from the rest of us at dinner time," Alice says, a little anxiously. "Is that okay? Jasper told me you two always exchange gifts in the morning, but we do it at dinner and Mom is making your favourite foods…"

"Alice, it's fine," I say. "We'll do it your way…it'll be really nice to have dinner and a cake like we did for Emmett! It's just these little gifts that Jas and I do in the morning. Mostly it hasn't been that big of a deal the last few years." I glance at my brother wryly. "Remember the year that dad sent us gifts by courier from the office so he didn't have to come home?"

Jasper rolls his eyes. "Yeah I do…really felt the love that year."

Emmett and Alice look horrified by this, but Jasper and I glance at each other with a humorous understanding. Dad might be generally absent and completely clueless, but we've always had each other and somehow that's made so many things okay.

"I hear you're taking me out to lunch," I say to Emmett, raising my eyebrows at him questioningly.

He scowls at Alice. "It was _supposed_ to be a surprise."

"I'm surprised," I say hastily. "Truly, shocked and stunned…what do I wear?" I look doubtfully at Emmett's outfit, which consists of his ratty old sweat pants with holes in the knees, a t-shirt that seems to have half his breakfast spilled down the front and the pink and green striped socks Alice gave him for his birthday. "You're not taking me to the McDonalds drive-thru or something?"

Emmett laughs and this time he does kiss me. "No!" he says indignantly. "I was just on my way to take a shower and get dressed! I'm taking you somewhere nice, so you can wear…I don't know." He looks a little helplessly at Alice, and then leans over and whispers something in her ear.

"Ohhh," she says, looking at him with some respect. "_Very_ nice choice. Rosalie, I'll help you pick out an outfit." She skips happily into my closet as I shrug. If she wants to make me play clothes horse I have no real objection- I like what's in my closet so she can't go too far off the mark, and she really does have an eye for styling.

"I'll leave you to it," Emmett says cheerfully. "I'm going to go and have a shower and we can go as soon as you're ready Rosa, okay?"

I nod and watch him leave the room then turn back to Jasper, who is also gazing after Emmett with a faint frown. "Jas," I say quietly. "You don't have to worry about him, or me when I'm with him. Emmett will never do anything consciously to hurt me. Truly, he is a good person…a better person than me, really!"

Jasper gives me a lopsided smile. "Yeah, but you're _my_ person," he says gruffly. "Nine months in the womb and eighteen years outside it…we've been looking out for each other for a long time."

I don't say anything else, but I squeeze his hand and think how lucky I am that, along with all the shit in my life, the universe gave me my brother.

Alice comes out of the closet then with her arms full of clothes and Jasper beats a hasty retreat. I jump out of bed and become absorbed in choosing an outfit and accessories and doing something with my hair.

Alice chooses a dark blue halter neck dress that skims over my body and stops mid-thigh and pairs it with black lace stockings and high heels. She braids the front of my hair and leaves the rest of it loose down my back and after considering the effect for a moment she runs into her room and comes with back a silver and opal choker that I would have dismissed as too gothic, but that looks perfect with the outfit and the matching earrings. I can't help twirling in front of the mirror once she's done and watching my reflection in satisfaction, because I look fantastic. I admit that I usually take the way I look for granted but there are days like today when, although I'd never say so, I'm fervently glad that I'm pretty. I love dressing up and knowing that Emmett is going to think I look beautiful.

He does, too. I can tell by the almost imperceptible catch in his breath and the slow and soft way he smiles at me that he likes what he sees when I glide into the living room where he's waiting for me. He's wearing trousers and a shirt and even a _tie,_ and I don't think I've ever seen him look as handsome as he does when he drops the newspaper and stands up, holding out his hand to me. _Oh, my heart._

"Ready?" He leads me out into the garage and guides me towards the Audi. "Esme said we could borrow her car, as long as we're back for dinner." He opens the door for me, but before I can slide into the passenger seat he wraps his arms around me and hugs me, looking down at me with his dimples showing before he places a brief kiss on my lips. "You look beautiful Rosalie. Happy birthday."

Emmett drives us to Port Angeles, parking out the front of a beautiful restored old building that turns out to be a boutique hotel with a very elegant restaurant on the ground floor. He laces his fingers through mine and holds my hand as he gives his name to the maître-d and we're led to a table for two by the window, overlooking a small flower garden.

"This is beautiful," I say sincerely.

"Well, it's not the Forks diner," Emmett says cheerfully. "But I wanted to take you somewhere special for your birthday."

"I love it," I declare. "Not that I don't enjoy hanging out with you in pyjamas and eating peanut butter ice cream on the sofa at home, but it's nice to dress up." My eyes are sparkling as I smile at him across the table, and when the waiter comes over to take our order I know Emmett isn't the only person in the room appreciating the way I look.

The menu is written in the pretentious way that high end restaurants always use to describe their food, but it tastes good and the dessert, a decadent chocolate creation, is sublime. I talk and laugh and flirt with Emmett, although as I finish off the last of my dessert I can't help notice that he's looking a little edgy.

"What is it?" I ask.

The look Emmett gives me is half amused and half guilty. "I got a room," he says in a rush. "I paid online with a credit card. I didn't know Esme wanted us home for dinner then…but we'd still have a couple of hours now. Look, I swear to god I'm not doing this to pressure you and we absolutely _do not have to do anything_…I mean, we can leave right now and go to the movies or whatever. We can go upstairs and hang out watching pay-per-view and I won't touch you if you don't want, but the room has a spa and a mini bar and…"

"Yes," I say, cutting him off. I can already feel the increase in my heart rate and the slight warmth between my legs. Emmett and I, in a hotel room with no one else around… "I think that would be…good."

Emmett takes a deep breath. "Right. Okay." He gets to his feet and comes around to take my chair. He's standing too close, and for a moment I lean against him, feeling the length of his body against mine. It occurs to me that in only a few minutes I will be able to lean against him like this without the layers of clothes between us and my face burns.

I take a moment in the lobby bathroom, and then join Emmett at the check in desk just as the lady asks about taking up our baggage. "No, we're fine," Emmett says casually, and I have to hide my grin at the sideways glance from the receptionist.

"You know she thinks I'm a prostitute," I tell Emmett as soon as the elevator doors close behind us.

Emmett looks horrified. "What the…shit! I'm sorry!" He looks at me, a little crestfallen. "I just wanted to take you some place nice. Some place that doesn't have my brother banging on the wall and shouting on one side of us, and your brother quietly seething and plotting how to cut my balls off on the other side!"

I run my hand along his back. "And I do appreciate it. But Jasper's not really doing that you know…he's not like that."

"Oh, all brothers are like that," Emmett tells me emphatically. "They might say they're not, they might pretend they're not, but none of them are going to be that thrilled about some guy boning their sister. Especially not in the next bedroom."

"So that's what you're like with Alice then?" I tease.

"Absolutely. If she ever gets into Jasper's pants like she wants to…" Emmett shudders and then looks at me imploringly. "Can we not talk about this? Really…I brought us here to get _away_ from the whole sibling thing! Let's talk about you being a prostitute…that's much more interesting. What are your specialities?"

I burst out laughing. "As if you could afford me!"

Now Emmett's laughing too, and he slides his hand along my thigh and up under my dress until he brushes it light across my ass. "Certainly not after paying for lunch and this room," he admits cheerfully. "I'm skint- don't expect anything good for Christmas, I'm warning you now." He smooths my hair back and lightly touches his lips to my ear, making me shiver. "I think I prefer the idea that you're here with me just because you're overcome by my wit and charm and good looks anyway."

I stand on tiptoe and give him a light, teasing kiss. "I think that's probably a pretty good explanation. Wit and charm, the size of your wallet…whatever the reason, I'm here with you and I don't want to be anywhere else."


	36. Chapter 36 - A Wish

_Chapter 36- A Wish._

The room is small and cosy, and I prowl about for a moment, looking at everything and gathering my thoughts before I turn to face Emmett, who has kicked off his shoes and is sitting on the side of the bed. The tenderness in his eyes as he watches me touches my heart, and despite the awkwardness of the two of us suddenly here and alone and with only one thing really on our minds, I smile at him.

"You're sure, right?" Emmett says anxiously. "Because like I said, I'm good either way and I don't want to do anything that's not going to be good for you, or that's going to make you feel bad. We've got lots of time and…"

_He's nervous_, I realise, as he keeps babbling. _He is so anxious that this not turn into a disaster…_ Somehow Emmett's uncertainty gives me a sense of confidence, and I do the easiest thing I can think of to get him to stop rambling and touch me. Reaching behind me I unzip my dress and undo the bow on the halter and step out of it.

I'm wearing black lace underwear to match the black lace stockings, and maybe that's a cliché but I don't care. It makes anyone looks good, and the dark skimpy panties and strapless bra against my creamy pale skin is striking. Judging by the look on Emmett's face, he's not about to start complaining over any lack of originality either.

I bend down to undo my shoes, hiding my smile in my hair as I hear Emmett make a noise of pure want, and then walk over to him slowly in my stocking feet, coming to a stop in between his spread knees.

Emmett reaches out and rests his hands on my thighs, on the little bit of skin between my stocking tops and knickers, circling his thumbs and then leaning forward to kiss my belly button. "You're beautiful," he tells me, shyly.

I take a step closer and begin loosening his tie. "You look good dressed up," I say lightly, as I slide the tie from his neck and toss it aside. "Very, very good." I begin on the buttons of his shirt.

"I'll wear ties every day," Emmett says, a note of laughter in his tone. "If you promise to take them off me like this…_ohhh._"

I'm kneeling down in front of him, and I kiss his belly as I slide the shirt off his shoulders and start to work on his belt buckle and trousers. Emmett leans back on his hands, passively allowing me to strip off his clothes, and his breathing rate quickens slightly as he watches me. And watch is _all_ he does. It's not until Emmett _doesn't_ do it that I realise I'm half braced for him to hold my hair and push me towards his groin until I open my mouth, and just because he hasn't assumed anything my heart lightens.

I run my hands along his thighs and upwards as I stand, across his belly and chest until I twine my arms around his neck. His skin is hot and I can feel his heart beating and he smells of soap and deodorant and clean male skin. _I want you. _

Emmett sits up and slowly reaches behind me, fumbling with the catch on my bra until he unhooks it and drops it onto the floor. He wraps his arms around my waist and rests his face in between my breasts for a moment before he pulls back and kisses my scar and then looks up at me. His face is so open and honest, with such love in his clear blue eyes that I impulsively stoop down to kiss him.

"I love you," I say softly.

"Oh Rosa girl!" Emmett falls backwards onto the bed and I fall with him, giggling as he grabs me and rolls me over until we're stretched out across the middle of the bed. He runs his hands along my flanks and then kisses me with a happy little growl. "I love you too, beautiful girl."

We don't need to talk after that, not in words. There's a lot that can be said with hands and bodies and eyes, with sighs and murmurs and low groans and kisses, and Emmett and I say it all. There's no rush here. It's just the two of us, in our own little world of naked skin and hot kisses and hands that touch only to bring pleasure.

I lose track of time, and I don't know how long it's been when I find myself with my legs wrapped around Emmett and my body aching to finally take him. "Oh, now Emmett, now…" I breathe, arching my back to push up against him. "God yes, now…"

Braced above me, biceps bulging and his chest slick with sweat, Emmett suddenly looks almost panicked. "Oh god, I don't want to hurt you."

"You won't." All my nerves are gone, and all I can think about is how much I want him. I reach down between us and take his cock in my hands, which makes him groan, and guide him into the right position. "I want you, I want…_ohhh god."_

Damn but he feels so good! Everything between us is so wet and slippery that even though I suddenly tense in a momentary anticipation of pain, Emmett enters me easily. And it doesn't hurt, just a very good kind of stretch and fullness that makes me close my eyes briefly and contract all my muscles around him just to feel it more intensely.

I love the noise Emmett makes when he first feels himself deep inside me, that vocal exhalation of breath that is nothing but pure carnal pleasure. I love the way he kisses me and starts moving slowly, his eyes fixed on my face to see how I like it before he lets himself go a little. I love that when it's awkward, like when he goes to kiss me and we bump heads and when he pulls right out by mistake and hurts himself thrusting into my pubic bone, he just laughs and kisses and we start again. Most of all I love that when he comes he wraps me in his arms and doesn't let me go, kissing and touching me until I'm falling apart at his hands, because he's not done until I am.

Not that either of us want to be done. There is so much to learn about each other and this primal way of being together, and I know that in this one afternoon we have only just begun. I am fascinated by Emmett's body and what I can do to it, and there's not a single inch of me that he doesn't want to touch or taste or look at. I am so glad he thought to come here, where we have the time and privacy it takes to make this special.

Emmett has promised Esme we'll be back for dinner though, so eventually we have to untangle ourselves and get ready to return home. I wash quickly and dress, trying to comb out my hair while Emmett whistles in the shower and then crawls around finding all his clothes and getting dressed. I can't replicate Alice's braid and all my make-up is long gone, but I don't look too unkempt. I don't _think_ anyone will look at me and immediately know what I've spent the afternoon doing. Although when Emmett and I walk into the kitchen at home and Alice smirks at me over the cake she's icing I can't stop the blush that heats up my face- there's no hiding anything from _her_.

"How was lunch?" Carlisle asks.

"Great," I say, doing my best to ignore Alice as she starts giggling.

"Good food," Emmett adds as he goes to the refrigerator and drinks milk straight from the carton. "I'm hungry now though…how long til dinner?"

"Just going on the table now," Esme says, taking the milk away from him and pushing him towards the platters on the counter. "So if you could take in the vegetables I'd appreciate it."

When I go into the dining room Alice nudges me towards the head of the table. "You have to sit there, because you're the birthday girl," she tells me gaily, lifting up a gaudy plastic tiara that spells out 'birthday girl' in pink beads and placing it carefully on my hair.

I can't help laughing, even though I feel ridiculous. "What about Jasper?"

"Well, you do make things difficult being twins," Alice sighs in mock sadness. "But he's sitting down the other end of the table and has a crown, so that's okay."

It's just like it was at Emmett's birthday, although Jasper and I are at either ends of the big table. I'm touched and a little overwhelmed by the fuss, by the funny tiara and Jasper's paper crown, the flowers on the table and the 'happy birthday' banner strung up over the doorway, and the beautifully wrapped packages that are thrust my way before the food comes.

Edward gives us both books, and although he might not like me much he's a thoughtful gift giver because he's actually wangled an advance reader copy from one of my favourite authors. Alice gives Jasper a new shirt and gives me a chunky bead bracelet, and then Emmett tosses an envelope with an itunes gift card to Jasper, and gives me a small box to me that I open to see a beautiful pair of delicate silver butterfly earrings.

Beside me Alice looks from the earrings to Emmett, quite affronted. "They're beautiful," she says to him almost accusingly. "Since when do _you_ ever choose such nice gifts?"

Emmett snorts. "Since Rosalie stuck a post-it note on my laptop with a link to her amazon wish list and a countdown to her birthday on it!" he says, to my embarrassment and the general amusement of everyone else at the table.

Carlisle and Esme's gifts are expensive and extravagant, a beautiful leather jacket for Jasper and a gorgeous pair of boots for me, and we both thank them effusively. But it's the second gift that Esme hands over to me that makes me laugh and then brings tears to my eyes. She's framed three photographs together, a series that shows Jasper and I at our first birthday party. In the first photograph we're sitting side by side in highchairs, each of us staring entranced at the cake with a single candle that we have on the trays in front of us. The second photograph shows both of us covered in cake as we take fistfuls of it and stuff it in our mouths. The third photograph shows me leaning across to Jasper's tray, my hand splayed out across his face as I shove him backwards and help myself to his cake too.

"Where did you get these?!" I exclaim, passing the frame along the table so the others can see.

"I took them!" Carlisle laughs. "Esme and I were there at your first birthday…don't forget, we knew your parents before you were ever born."

Jasper is laughing. "Even then you were the boss," he teases me.

"You two were so cute!" Alice says. "And it's so weird to think that Mom and Dad knew you both years before they knew any of us!"

Esme looks thoughtful. "It's true. Carlisle and I were living in New York then, but Emmett would have been over two years old down in Tennessee. Your mother would have been pregnant with you, Edward."

"Did you know you wanted to adopt children then?" I ask a little hesitantly as Esme and Carlisle begin serving up the food.

"No, not at all," Esme says cheerfully. "We thought we'd have our own biological children then…actually, wait a moment." She disappears into the study for a moment and comes back a moment later with another photograph which she passes to me. "I found this one when I was looking for your first birthday pictures."

I can't help laughing. It's Carlisle, with much longer hair and a small moustache, holding a screaming baby in each arm and looking shell shocked. "Is that Jasper and I too?"

"Yes," Esme looks amused. "You were only a few months old, and giving your mother rather a difficult time of it as I recall! Look on the back."

_Dearest Essie…doesn't he look comfortable as a dad?! Your turn next and I hope it's quadruplets! Lily xoxoxox _

"My mom wrote that?" Even if it didn't have her name on it, I would have recognised the handwriting from the few cards and letters I have from my mom.

Esme smiles at me. "Yes. Lily and I were good friends, and she knew we were hoping for a family. Of course in the end nothing happened, and we were looking into adoption when Elizabeth, Edward's mother, got sick. She was a doctor and worked with Carlisle you know, and had no family…when she knew she was dying she asked us if we would consider adopting Edward after she passed." Esme looks at her first son tenderly. "Of course we said yes, and then two years later we were just beginning to talk about adopting again to expand the family…"

"And you picked out _me_!" Alice breaks in with a grin, adding almost as an afterthought, "And Emmett."

Carlisle shakes his head, but it's clear as he looks at Alice how much he adores her. "Something like that," he says. "We thought three was just right, but now we seem to have borrowed two more…and I like it even better."

Carlisle grins at Jasper and then me, but for a moment I can't smile back for the emotion that threatens to spill over. This family, _all_ of them…how have I been so lucky as to find such a soft place to fall? I came here so broken and damaged, and I've shouted and sworn at them and smashed their mirrors and caused trouble at school and no one gets a full night's sleep when I start in with the screaming…but still Carlisle makes me believe he is genuinely glad that we're here.

We eat Esme's delicious dinner and then there's cake and everyone sings, Jasper joining me at the head of the table. At first he teases me, pushing me out of the way in imitation of me in the baby photo and pretends to blow all the candles out by himself. But then he wraps an arm around me, holding my hair back, and we bend forward, our heads together as we blow out the candles.

As the flames flicker out and the room plunges into darkness I realise I've wished, not for the attack not to have happened as I have on every falling star since the summer, but for strength - strength to move on and take my life back, because there are some things that can't be changed. And when the lights shine on again and I look around at the happy, affectionate faces around me, all of them near strangers six months ago and now more family than anything else, I think that maybe it's the kids of wish that might come true.


End file.
